Considering separation after a baby and wondering about co-parenting regrets

[Sweethoneydew]

They say not to breakup within the first year after having a baby but when is enough, enough? My DH is helpful, great with our daughter who is now 14m but I still find him unbearable.

Every time we argue, he pushes me into a corner until I feel feral (I’ve had awful postpartum rage which he has done nothing to help ease), never respects my boundaries or my opinions and is very dismissive when I tell him how I feel.

He has recently imposed new rules in the house, for example our dog can no longer go on the (new) sofa, when he always has. Not once did he speak to me about it and if I ask our dog to come up my husband makes him get off.

I’m honestly sick and tired of it. I find him old before his time with black and white thinking and honestly very boring. He is extremely frugal, which I also find exhausting, hasn’t arranged a date night since we had our daughter and we often sit in separate rooms every evening. Oh and we haven’t had sex since we conceived our daughter and nor do I want to.

I have said we really need couples counselling, but I am at the point now where I feel it’s too late and he has moaned that we can’t afford it.

Those who have broken up after having a baby and co-parent. Do you regret it?

Poor dog.

It's not particularly unreasonable for your partner not to want the dog on a new sofa.

But you need to come to an agreement about it, because it's really not fair on the dog for one of you to be calling it up and the other saying to get down.

I'd probably say to him can you afford not to get relationship counselling if it may save the relationship.

Just to add some further context, these are the things he has said to me recently

“Should you really be eating that” - he hides food in his car.
“You’re drinking a lot, I’m watching how much you’re having” - it was Christmas, I was on maternity leave. I had a few extra glasses and like to have wine at the weekends. He rarely drinks.
“When are you going back to the gym” - I was 4 months pp after a c section. He often brings this up. More recently he sent me a calendar invite to be at a goal weight by the end of the year. Something I had not fully agreed to.

He cloaks all these comments as “caring” for my well being.

I know, I hate that he is trying to enforce this without discussing it with me first which is the major red flag in our relationship, it’s all very controlling.

I am happy he doesn’t go on the sofa unless asked but my husband doesn’t want him up at all.

Was he always like this?

Do you drink every weekend or rarely drink? It doesn’t really matter but you seem to be contradicting yourself.

It seems obvious to me that a dog should never go up on a new sofa. I wouldn’t like that. The gym thing and target weight for you is really bad of him, though.

"he sent me a calendar invite to be at a goal weight by the end of the year. Something I had not fully agreed to"

Does he have no respect for you at all, you're just an accessory for him, not a person in your own right? If he won't let you, a fully functioning adult, make choices about your own life then it doesn't bode well for your child. He is setting himself up as the maker of all family decisions, and you'd better not have any ideas of your own.

No, usually only socially but around Christmas or on holiday I will drink more. When I say “more” it evens out as a bottle of over an entire weekend for example.

This is my concern. He has become more controlling over time and making these kinds of comments make me want to leave all the more.

Less so, since I had our daughter I feel it’s gotten worse.

I am not a dog person but after reading this I feel that you, the dog and the baby would be so much better off without this man. A co-parenting app would sort out many of the smaller logistical issues you are likely to have with such a dickhead. Fuck him and his target weight. Does he even see you??

I’m afraid he sounds like a complete dick. I think you have three options 1) continue like this and endure the impact on your mental health but no coparenting 2) split up. Will be want to do much parenting? You won’t always have your child if he has them sometimes but you get a break and you don’t have to live with him. Money will be tighter. 3) You tell him that you insist on marriage counselling to try and save your marriage, if he doesn’t agree you have 1 or 2.

He sounds exhausting. I am sure you will be much happier without him.

He sounds like a pain in the butt, i would leave him for your own sanity