How can I manage relationship anxiety without bringing tension into things

[Changingleaves]

I am in an exclusive relationship with a man I very like very much. Both of us have had difficult past relationships with our exes with conflict and got very hurt. From the outset we both were honest about what we felt we needed and mutually expressed we wanted a low drama low conflict relationship.

He does give me this and I can’t fault him in this area. He does not bring me problems to solve and he’s generally very consistent. Initially I was also very relaxed and we genuinely do usually have a lovely easy going relationship with good communication.

We have not said ‘I love you’ but we have told each other we are happy, like spending time together and that we like each other a lot. He is always telling me he feels happy.

The problem is ME.

I am anxious and aware of this. I have to actively manage my anxiety every day but the more deep feelings I get for him, and the more serious it gets, the worse this is getting for me. He isn’t doing anything outwardly different or concerning. I become very anxious he is pulling away when he probably isn’t. I see signs of this that aren’t there. I interpret things like less affection when he’s tired as him getting bored of me.

He just booked a mini break for us go to away in a few months, took me out for dinner with his family this weekend, made plans to see me this week, wished me a good day at work and thanked me for a lovely weekend when I left.

But because he didn’t initiate sex with me this weekend, I took this as a bad sign. I initiated it with him once and he was receptive and we did do it, but I think he was very tired so wasn’t in the mood so it wasn’t very long. As it’s a new relationship I am keen on sex all the time and initially he also was, but as we get more at ease this is a little bit less for him. Or he doesn’t reach to hold my hand when we are walking along like he used to. And he doesn’t keep telling me he likes me like he did at the start. Sometimes I find myself just lying awake in bed next to him hoping he will give me a hug or a kiss and he’s fast asleep and I know I am being ridiculous.

I try very hard to reframe all of this and live in the reality of his actions. I do not ask him for reassurances because I should not need to do this, and it’s unfair (and where does it end if this starts) but there are times when I find this hard to hide, and I am clearly stressing and processing a feeling internally and might say or do something ever so slightly off key. Recently I made a very silly blurting out ‘joke’ comment about him friend zoning me and this put out a weird energy. I tried to pull it back saying I wanted to make sure we still made time to do fun things but what I really meant was ‘are you getting bored of me’. For some reason I feel like he might get bored of me and it’s so frustrating because this will become a self fulfilling prophecy.

I do not want to bring this energy into our relationship at all. But I also want to protect myself and not get taken for granted. I think he can tell when I get edgy, but he doesn’t poke at this and just waits for me to come back to him in my own time. I make sure we have space away from each other so we can learn to miss each other in a healthy way, I do not constantly text him and I don’t ask him lots of questions for reassurance. If I want affection I will initiate this so I’m not sitting waiting. I try not to set him little tests

It’s just making me so tired then I will get worried that perhaps my nervous system is picking up on something subconscious and then I will over analyse everything again.

I have had counselling before for the same reason and I am using these skills now but can anyone relate and give me help and advice with how to manage this in the moment and not ruin everything?

Well, what skills did you learn in therapy that you're using now? And are they effective? I think you should be in therapy, and I don't mean CBT, I mean something more thoroughgoing that explores why you're like this, and what benefits it brings you.

I will also be honest, and say I don't think you're at all in the right headspace for a relationship. It clearly isn't anything this man is actually doing. You would be bringing your obsessive hypervigilance about rejection to any relationship you were in. I would end things, and focus on working on your state of mind before dating again.

@Unblushingly thank you. I agree my headspace has now shown itself but initially I wasn’t feeling this way at all until recently hence getting involved with him. I don’t think I have been this way with other relationships but my past relationship was with someone very avoidant and used silent treatment and I am experiencing some bad memories from this. I was always monitoring him for his weird moods.

I’ve had CBT, I am trying very hard to ground myself and challenge all these thoughts as not facts. I am doing mindfulness. I’m very self aware these are inside thoughts that I do not need to share with this man. He is doing nothing wrong.

Generally these feelings are recent, and seem to come up at the point where we are going to part from one another. They aren’t generally present during most of the time we spend together. I want to work through them in a healthy way. I don’t want this in my life.

I had terrible trouble sleeping last night because I was so hot, and he was tossing and turning as well, then got a phone call at 5am and had to get up, and the lack of sleep amplified the anxiety. As usual he has been so kind and caring, and I just have so many good feelings for him they are a bit overwhelming.

But this energy is who you are! You can’t micromanage yourself out of your relationship! I think k you both agreeing to no drama hasn’t helped you at all, it’s put you on high s as left. It’s easy to be in happy land when you’re both on your best behaviour- but real life has to have some drama, some arguments and each of you seeing your true selves

Don't end your relationship.

It's only by learning how to feel safe within a relationship and by learning how to express your needs (in a gentle consistent and considerate way) that this will get better. And it's only by being in a relationship that you can learn this.

So much of what you said echoes with me. I've been having therapy for around 12 months now following huge anxiety in the relationship before this one. In retrospect it was triggered by my ex and his volatile behavior. (Addict and narc) Also a hangover from my ex husband leaving me without warning in 2021.

If he's a kind man and he's showing you consistency then you are going to need to learn how to sit with the uncomfortable feelings until they eventually abate. Repeated integration into each other's families and friend circle creates this safety with time. That as well as shared experiences and kind conversations where you both say what you need.
Chat GPT has also helped me a lot. It helps me reframe the automatic thoughts I get about things that are probably not significant.
But only use chat GPT if you're also seeing a real life therapist. It can make errors and you need to sense check it.
Stick with it. You are ready for a relationship.

"If he's a kind man and he's showing you consistency then you are going to need to learn how to sit with the uncomfortable feelings until they eventually abate. Repeated integration into each other's families and friend circle creates this safety with time. That as well as shared experiences and kind conversations where you both say what you need."

This with bells on. In fact, I wonder whether you are coming at this from the wrong end. You are trying to create a situation where you pre-empt any hurt. Ultimately, as you know, there are no guarantees. You have been hurt in relationships before. Everyone entering a relationship risks hurt and possibly also heartache and heartbreak. It comes with the territory. Most of us have experienced this.

But a good relationship should raise you up and expand your horizons. It sounds trite but most of us have also recognised that we would rather have loved and lost than never have loved; we have recognised that the upsides of a healthy relationship - the joy, the pleasure, the companionship, the adventure - are worth the risk of possible pain.

That is the decision you and your partner have made. Life is not about avoiding exciting opportunities because they might bring us pain. It is about embracing those opportunities and knowing that we will deal with any pain they bring us. You're hyper-vigilant and desperately micro-managing in the hope of avoiding pain but that's likely to turn you into a bottomless pit of need (believe me, I have been there) and cause you to sabotage a good thing.

Much better to take the view that you will nurture the relationship and trust in the process including trusting that you will deal with everything that may come to you in connection with this relationship including, if you have to, dealing with any associated heartache. That frees you up to enjoy what is.

I am all over the place I just read my 2nd response and it didn’t make sense to me sorry 😆

I’ve always had anxiety but it was actually health related for a long time primarily not relationships or abandonment at all.

My last relationship was very stressful and I had therapy and thought I was in a much better place. I suppose I am, because I am trying to fight these feelings not let them win. It’s a learning curve. I did not know I was the boiling frog in the pot with the anxiety of an avoidant person until I was in a complete mess second guessing my next move or analysing everything I said.

Being close to someone is tough, I do need to learn to be uncomfortable and I actually want to challenge myself on this. @Dery and @ThatAquaRobin your posts are very accurate. I actively want to create this for myself, not for him.

When we said ‘no drama’ we meant not playing games with each others feelings. Not keeping everything perfect. We have had little disagreements and misunderstandings (or differences of opinions) and we managed them quite well to be honest.

As I was exposed to someone for a long time who said one thing and meant another, or punished me with silence, this is about trust too and you can never truly know another persons thoughts or intentions so my high alert is always trying to guess what is happening so I can manage my expectations.

His situation was that he was on the receiving end of a lot of verbal anger and feeling like he was a disappointment who could never get things right.

He honestly is great and this kindness he shows me definitely spurs me on to make better decisions about when, how and what I choose to communicate. He checks in with me a lot and I am conscious of not using that as an opportunity to offload anxiety. I have told him I get anxious as he said sometimes I go quiet and he’s not sure if I am ok. I explained I sometimes just need time to think and process a thought.

I did sit with the uncomfortable feeling this morning and I talked myself down, turned it around and we ended up having a lovely interaction. It turned out he was actually worrying about something unrelated to me and I was able to support him.

My ‘needs’ are not always based on rational feelings so I am choosing carefully what I communicate as a need. Also needs and wants are not the same. I probably already have what I want, and that’s him.