Abusive husband left, how to rebuild my broken self and life for my kids

[Pinkpanther23]

Thank you to the people of Mumsnet for helping me realise my marriage was abusive.

He left after discarding me when I insisted he got help for smashing an item of our child‘s, causing his knuckles to bleed.

He is a Doctor. I thought he was safe as houses. Truth is he’s an impulsive man baby who lost all our savings and is a covert narcissist, enmeshed with his narcissistic family.

What I want to know is, at 42, with two kids (one a baby) and no money and limited childcare where we live (moving not an option yet) how on earth do I rebuild?

I feel like I’m scared of everyone new - even women and could not imagine letting another man into my life, ever.

The thought of being alone for life now makes me sad though as does having to deal with this manipulative little twerp frequently.

I feel so scared and alone. He’s wandering around like he’s done nothing wrong and truly believes that the dynamic was both of us.

Please tell me it gets better

Dear OP. It's always better when a violent, abusive man is no longer in your life.

I'm so glad he's gone. I remember your other threads.

I know how frightened you're feeling but things will definitely improve as time goes on.

Well done for getting this far. Have you had the locks changed so ex cannot come back when he gets bored? You will feel more in control when you do. If you can’t afford it, ask for help from neighbourhood policing or dv unit.

When in the same situation, I sort of shrank my life down to what I could handle at the time. Lots of safe time playing together, staying in, cooking from scratch, focusing on dcs. I didn’t want to deal with anyone socially for a couple of months. Once I felt more settled, less rattled and dc was happier, then we gradually worked outwards from there. Take your time. Listen to your instincts. Don’t do anything you find stressful, until you start to feel better. Then take it slowly, no rush, you have all the time in the world. x

I have followed your threads OP. If I am correct you have possibly been posting about this man for a few years, as his profession stands out. If my memory serves me correctly, some of the treatment you have been on the receiving end of is absolutely horrendous.
You feel very low right now because this man and his abuse is all you have known for a long, long time.
The fact that his job is supposed to be around caring for other people adds another layer but please don’t think everyone will think he’s fantastic. They won’t.
I don’t have any practical advice but just wanted to say I am thinking of you and your DC. You have been through a terrible ordeal and it’s going to take time.
You have been brave to get this far.

Take things slowly. It's far too soon to be thinking about future relationships. As someone said, take it day by day. Praise yourself for small movement forward. When you can, sign up for therapy. You are out of an abusive relationship and that is praiseworthy.

You are a force. You are already rebuilding, by eradicating this man from your lives. You and your children will build a safe haven together, and you will all laugh again. You will have moments of joy, you will all know peace. Remember you are giving your children the greatest gift you can, a peaceful safe home for them to grow up in.

As others have said take it one day at a time, it’s a long road to recovery. Take the help, engage with DV charities if you can - do the freedom program or an equivalent. Lean on your friends, lean on your loved ones. When you have time, space and finances for therapy start with that too. But you were in it for a long time, so coming out of it will take a long time as well.

Be kind to yourself. Be kind to your mind. I think you’re amazing, well done!

It happens to unravel and improve with time
Firstly finding your feet with genuine friends
Helpful supportive childcare staff & teachers.
A limited or lower income becomes a stable secure important goal in these times.
Taking tike to keep friendshipsnand some sense of life as well as enjoying the children..they become your will to helo you thru.
As you become calmer more settled you decide wgat you want to do and how to navigate working, your future etc.
Disgusting to imagine how a man can assult or hurt or threaten his family.
Support and determination to never accept that behaviour ever again
Becareful because I never gor a charge against my case since no makes where on me yet i had hands around my neck.
When people look down on me in a average job I smile to think im stable...my biggest acheivement never to return to such abuse again.
You do move on
You find not every man is a messed up abusive prick.
Time support with nuturing yourself and your children.
I

As above well done Op.
Its time it stopped!

Are you managing to cook @Pinkpanther23?
You do need to eat, even if it's just tea and toast and a tin of soup.

Dear pinkpanther23...i can 100% promise you it does and will get better. Take a day at a time, be kind to yourself and always captain your own ship going forward,.
I wish you strength and love going forward, we woman are far stronger and independent than we realise...

Are you in the uk? Has this man been reported to the GMC?

i just want to say your amazing and so brave, you children will thank you when they are older. You’ve come through the hardest part. I promise it gets easier, I left after 26yrs of an abusive marriage with two children. We have a peaceful and loving household now. Do you have a DV worker assigned to you? Do you have family friends for support? Xx

I lost a lot of weight and still no appetite really but I force myself to eat when I can manage it

Thank you, did your kids thank you too? Well done for leaving 26 years is a long time. I just can’t believe my life has ended up like this and I’m so full of worry for the future.

I have an amazing DA support worker thankfully, family do what they can but my parents are older and not as agile, and don’t provide any emotional support but I have met some wonderful women online through this experience, who I chat frequently too.