Has marriage counselling worked for anyone?

[XMissPlacedX]

Me and DH have been married nearly 10 years, both have dc from past relationships but none together. Over the years resentment has built up on both sides, and although there is love on both parts, the relationship is more unhappy than happy.

I am considering suggesting marriage counselling as a last ditch attempt to save it, or to at least say we tried it. I am interested to know if this has actually helped any couples to become happy again? If you are willing please would you mind sharing your experiences? I feel so desperately unhappy and alone.

Yes- we had marriage counselling after only being married 2 years…it helped us turn things around…happy 12 years on. Definitely worth a shout, good luck 🙏🏻

It depends what the problems are really… if you’re struggling to communicate or see things from each others perspective then it could be really helpful. If you have a lack of basic compatibility then in my experience no it doesn’t work, but it might equip you with better tools to navigate a break up x

Honestly, it didn't help me at all. The counsellor we saw seemed happy to let DH dominate the conversation and every time I tried to steer the conversation back again, she seemed to dislike it. We went 3 times and I said I'd had enough, and I also reported it back to the organisation we'd gone to.

What helped us was separating for around 7 months. We'd got to the point where we were just so resentful of everything the other was doing, there was no coming back really. I thought it was a permanent split, but he worked really hard to convince me that we had something to fight for. When he did move back in, I was adamant that we weren't going to let things slide back to where they'd been and although he needed a fair few reminders, he did become a better partner/father and I think it did me a lot of good too.

Slightly biased because I work with families too but also have been gone to couples counselling

In my opinion when it doesnt work is when people are hoping for the therapist to act as judge, decide whos reasonable and convince one person or the other of something. In theory they shouldn't take sides which is why it can be really frustrating if there is one side obviously being wronged.

Where it does help ( and helped for us) was in helping break some patterns we fell into, and have some conversation in a different way rather than go round and round in circles. I think having a dedicated time, and space can be half the battle but also sometimes someone to interrupt you, notice whats happening and get the conversation to go differently was the important bit for us. We heard each other differently and were both able to make changes that were healthier

In my own work I dont also feel like a couple splitting up is a failure. Sometimes by having the right conversations people realise that either they are past wanting to fix it, theres too much water under the bridge and can help guide it to an end

Thankyou all, I really appreciate your replies. Our issue is communication, and both of us feeling like we are giving more to the relationship than the other.

Whilst I admit my own faults, he seems hell bent on using that admission to put all of the blame on me, without accepting his part. This is the part I find sad because I know if he doesn’t or isn’t ready to accept his part then we can’t repair our relationship. I am hoping a counsellor can help us to communicate without shouting and blaming each other.

This exactly

Your last line stopped me. Feeling alone inside a marriage is a particular kind of lonely and I'm sorry you're in it.

On the question itself, yes, it does work for a lot of people. What seems to matter most is how long you've left it and whether you both want it to work rather than wanting to have tried. Most people wait years longer than they should, so you're asking sooner than plenty.

Can I gently ask you about one line though. You said it'd be a last ditch attempt to save it, or at least to say you tried. I read that a few times. They're quite different things, aren't they. I wondered which one it feels closer to when you're on your own with it.

If it helps, there's a way to test that costs nothing. Picture yourself suggesting it and him saying yes straight away, really keen. What happens in your chest? If it's relief, you probably do want to save it. If your heart sinks a bit, that's worth knowing too, and it doesn't make you a bad person. Both are completely allowed. They'd just mean quite different things to say in a first session.

The other thing I noticed, and do tell me if I've read it wrong, is how careful you've been. Resentment on both sides, love on both parts. You've been very fair to him in a post where you're telling strangers you're unhappy. I don't mean that as a criticism, it sounds like you're just a fair person. I only wonder whether being that fair for ten years has made it hard for anyone to see how bad it's got, yourself included.

If you do go, you don't need to arrive with a tidy summary. "Honestly, I don't know if I'm here to fix this or to be able to say I tried" is a perfectly good way to start, and a decent counsellor will have plenty to work with in that. Better than the two of you being reasonable at each other for ten weeks.

And for what it's worth, counselling can be a good place to separate kindly too, if that's where it ends up. That isn't the same as it failing. People seem to think of it as pass or fail and it really isn't.

Whatever you decide, the alone part matters. Don't leave that to the end when you talk to someone.

I've never done it, but the other day colleagues were discussing it and saying the best marriage counselling is when you are both encouraged to list the other person's good points. Instead of all you do and they don't do, you list what they do. You list what you appreciate about them, what you first loved about them. You discuss good, fun times you had together, you remind each other of kind and loving, supportive moments.

With or without a marriage counsellor, you could suggest this to your DH. Men are often resistant to this sort of self- help, but you could say: we both want to be happier in this marriage and I've heard this works, so let's do it.

One night, for just 10 mins, sit down and each spend five minutes paying attention to the things the other person does do. Next night 5 mins each talking about a memory of a time together that was really fun or loving. Next night, an appreciation of the best aspects of their personality. Next night, and appreciation of any shared values - political, moral, how to raise children - whatever. Next night an appreciation of shared interests and maybe a plan to have a date that feeds into that common ground. Keep going like that - just 5 minutes each a night for a couple of weeks, and see if it helps.

No, but that's because my ex had no intention of working things out, he just used the time i gave him for 'trying' to secure things with his other woman and move money around.

He really exploited my openness and vulnerability and it made things more traumatic when he left.

I am certain, in hindsight, that the therapist coukd see this unfolding and did not have adequate concern for me given his abusive behaviours.

If your H has genuine regard for you, proceed with caution. If he doesn't, don't bother.

And if youre just 'done', then that's ok.

Good luck.

Thankyou again for your replies. I would like to save the marriage in an ideal world, just remembering how we used to be. But, being more realistic, he isn’t the same person he was when we met, and neither am I. The resentment is overwhelming, where neither of us seem to have the capacity to look at the others persons perspective, however I have tried, but he takes it as a vulnerability and uses it to blame me.

He used to idolise me, put me on a pedestal in the very beginning but couldn’t handle a few years down the line when ‘real life’ got .. real! I have always been a very strong person since escaping a domestic violence relationship over two decades ago, but this has floored me. Watching our marriage go down the pan is just so sad and awful.

Do you want to save it? If he suddenly understood you and made some changes would you feel able to continue?

Sometimes people just want permission to leave. Its absolutely okay to be done

When we are good we are really good, no cheating or abuse (not that that’s the minimum). We have fun and fancy each other. But so much has happened over the last few years that it’s either changed us (which we can’t recover from) or we have too much built up resentment that we need to address (which we could hopefully recover from). I am not perfect, but willing to admit it. He can’t see his part in it, I don’t know if he refuses to or genuinly can’t see it. Either way, we can’t recover until he does. At this point I’m not sure what’s more exhausting, stating or leaving.

Is he up for counselling? Maybe even having the conversation about the concept might shed some light on where you think this will all end up

It helped us, we were failing to communicate so the other person would hear. The counsellor did not take sides and was very on he fence but gave us both better ways to talk to each other so they actually listen.

Doesnt always work but its certainly helped and we are still together years later.

In my experience people go to marriage counselling way too late, usually as a very last resort, and so it's less likely to work. If people went at the first sign of problems, like they would take a car to a garage at the first sign of a problem, it would give the counsellor a much better chance of being able to help identify and fix the problems.

@Owly11 it may infact be too late, as at this point both options (staying or leaving) both sound just as exhausting as the other. I have been in a hotel for two nights because we can’t be in the same room as each other without things deteriorating. Not sure it could get much worse now ( although I’ve always been proved wrong when I’ve arrived at that point in my life). I know I’m feeling very sorry for myself, I’m just feeling very alone and unsure of myself at the moment. Thanks so much for all your replies everyone.

After one painful, embarrassing and confronting session, it made me fully decide I'm done with this. So I'd say it worked for me 😂