Was I wrong to tell DH I needed space from him today?

[BruFord]

I've upset DH by telling him the truth and I'm not sure what to do. 😔

Long story short, I'm feeling stressed and down right now. My elderly Dad is struggling and taking it out on me (he has lifelong MH issues so says v. extreme things sometimes, like threatening suicide). I feel helpless as he needs to sort out certain things, but he's moaning at me instead of doing them. DH and I also run a small business as a side venture and we've had some stress with that recently - manageable, but it's compounding my feelings.

Like many introverts, my way to heal when I'm feeling like this is to withdraw into my shell and just quietly go about my business until I feel better. I don't lie in bed wallowing, I just find that quietly doing things while listening to a podcast/audiobook/music calms me down; exercise also helps. I have friends and can appear sociable and outgoing, but when I'm really down, time alone is what I need.

Earlier today, DH suggested that we go to a local cafe where we know the owners and several other people who go there. I was honest and said that I just couldn't face walking down there making conversation with him, it would make me feel more stressed. He likes to talk about a wide range of subjects (he's v. well-informed) and inevitably his hobby would also be mentioned. I'm not really interested in it tbh but am usually happy to be supportive and pretend to be more interested that I really am! He's also entrepreneurial and some of his ideas (which are well though-out) have caused me stress too as he wants me to get involved - and I do it for him IYSWIM.

I didn't mean to hurt him or suggest that I don't usually enjoy his company, but I just don't have the bandwidth today. I can tell that he's hurt as he wants to make me feel better and I've essentially said that he makes me feel worse! It's the truth, but it's not very nice, is it.

Of course you weren’t wrong.

You don’t have to do everything together. He can go down to the cafe by himself.

He’s being oversensitive.

No you wasn't wrong. We all need time on our own, to unwind and gather our own thoughts.

It sounds like you have so much going on, you don't factor in giving yourself a break, which you really need to do every so often.

Your husband could also be more supportive. If you run a side business together, you are living in each others pockets which isn't healthy for either of you.

If you run a side business together, you are living in each others pockets which isn't healthy for either of you.

@MrFlintstone You've hit the nail on the head. Since we both started WFH more (we're both hybrid) and also have the side business, I've felt increasingly trapped as I do need my alone time. DH loves WFH though and seems quite happy to do everything together, he's from a large family and I think that's his default setting.

That's one reason why I encourage his hobby, as he travels to do it...that sounds so awful, because I do love him, but I just need space sometimes. DS and I can happily coexist in the house and come together for meals and the odd chat!

It's OK to ask for what you need, and an emotionally mature partner wouldn't interpret needing time alone to decompress as a personal rejection. He'll get over it. Just don't take it upon yourself to save him from his own feelings, now. He can manage them himself while respectfully making himself scarce for a couple of hours.

I feel you OP! DH and I both mostly WFH now (he does 1 day a week in the office, I do 2 days a month). Neither of us go out that much either during the week either, so most weekdays we are together not exactly 24/7 but not far off. It doesnt bother him but I find it very hard just having to be 'on' all the time. He's been away today and I have had such a nice day just pottering in total silence, it really recharges me. He just doesnt seem to need the same. It can be tough! Sometimes I just say I am going to bed early to read and have some quiet time, and he is fine with that.

If he wants to help you feel better, he needs to listen when you tell him what would help.

It’s not loving, considerate and thoughtful to insist you do something that makes him feel better but makes you feel worse.

You are the one under pressure and needing support. DO NOT fall into having to make him better.

I think it does depend what you said really

"Sorry DP I need some time to just decompress today and be by myself" fine. "DP you make me more stressed and I cant face making conversation with you" is quite hurtful, and whilst its reasonable to need time alone its also reasonable to be hurt by your partner thinking and feeling what you've written above

I agree.

On a personal note as an introvert, DH doesn't count as a person who drains me. We can quite happily coexist in the same space and be alone together. I don't think I would be married if that wasn't the case.

I can tell that he's hurt as he wants to make me feel better

Well in that case, perhaps he needs to come to terms with the fact that sometimes you need time to yourself so you can decompress. When some people are stressed out, they need to socialise and have the company of others, like he does. You need the opposite and you were not in the wrong to say so.

You absolutely need your downtime, op. My husband and I are both retired and spend a lot of our time together; luckily, we've always got on well and still enjoy each other's company barring a few minor spats.

That being said, I was happy today when his daughter took him out for a long lunch and I had the house to myself for a few hours. I'm not even sure I did anything different to my normal routine - read, drank tea, ate too many biscuits, made a fuss of the cats, pottered in the garden - but it felt good just to have a little space for a while, if that makes sense.

@Deadleaves77 Yes, I didn't handle it well. He and DS had just been discussing a political situation and then he suggested we go to the cafe - I simply couldn't face walking down there talking about anything that required using my brain or suggesting that we do X, Y and Z!

I've apologized and explained that I just couldn't face anything much today, and we've had a hug and made up. Then a friend rang to offload about what she's dealing with her elderly Mum (who has dementia) AND now her MIL is unwell. So many of us (early 50's) are in the same boat with elderly parents and it does get us down. DH has no experience of this yet and his parents are always nice to him.

Anyway, my quiet time seems to have worked and I'm feeling much better.

@OnlyUsername My DH is wonderful, but he doesn't need quiet time like me and he worries when I go quiet. I need to do a better job of explaining that I just need to decompress. He and my DD are similar; DS and I are more alike.