Husband left during severe depression, do I wait or accept it?

[S3v3n]

I need advice and help. My husband has struggled with depression and anxiety for 20 years always been on medication. We have been together 11 years married 8 years. During our time together he has had lows but they haven't lasted that long. He was on the same medication for 10 years then changed to sertraline 3 years ago.

3 months ago he entered into a depression pit. He went from going to the gym with me walks with me cooking with me family time with our 2 young daughters with me to widthrawn. Quiet. Shut down. He carried on fine with the girls but I noticed he was pushing me away. It happened suddenly. In that time we went to Turkey with my mum n dad Disneyland and a trip just the 2 of us. All of these were difficult as he was clearly not feeling himself but he tried and they were overall fine holidays. No arguments as such. He has been very emotional most days and will cry a lot, about anything. I've tried over the last 3 months to give him grace and space, didn't want to spend time with me in the evenings so I didn't push it. He would watch his programmes and I would go to bed. Sometimes I'd asked to do something together and occasionally he would agree but not often. Obviously because of this dynamic I have gotten angry and upset at times because I feel so rejected. He has made effort to see some friends in this time and that has made me feel more rejected, although I do understand on some level that seeing a friend you don't see often for some drinks is low pressure compared to time with your wife when you feel empty. When he has opened up to me he has said he feels nothing, no emotions, and that he's just trying to survive each day.

He then went off sick at work and hasn't worked for 6 weeks. At the end of the 6 weeks when he was due to either get another sick note or go back to work he said he didn't want to go back yet. I gently suggested a couple hours of work from home each day just to get some routine back. He wasn't keen but then said he was going to meet some work friends for drink that Friday. It made me angry and I admit I snapped . After months of trying to push my feelings aside, I said I deserve better than being treated like this no one else would live like this it's bringing me down etc etc. he didn't say much and the next day he went to stay at his dad's. Which I thought was a good idea.

The following day he came home without telling me and after laying on the bed in the spare room for a while he came and told me in tears he's leaving me, he can't do this anymore, I deserve more and I'm a great person and great mother and thank you for everything I've done for him but he's done and I can't change his mind. He said things like ill still see the girls you can keep the house I don't want anything I just want to be alone you're 34 you've got a chance people do this all the time you'll be fine tell your mum n dad friends tell them it was me etc etc I was in shock and begging him to stay and talk we can do counselling we need to talk about how he's come to this decision . I said you can't make such a huge decision in the middle of the worst mental health crisis of your life. He wouldn't listen he was just packing bags. He said he doesn't love me any more and he's thought it for a while . This is news to me obviously. I tried explaining love in a marriage after years together comes in waves it's not always this immense feeling every day especially not when you're severely depressed and we can get back to that when you're better we've got an amazing life together the best little girls a big house good jobs it's just mad to me to be throwing it all away without so much as a conversation. Without giving me a chance to change anything or try. Anyway.

He left though I begged. He's been staying at his dad in a tent in the garden for a week as they have no room. I rang them straight after he left and they knew he has been unwell and off work but had no idea he was planning to leave me and move in there. He hadnt even asked. They have all tried his mum too to talk to him he won't say a word about what's happened just says it's nothing to do with anyone else. They only know anything from me. He won't talk to me either about it I've sent some long messages about how we can work through anything he's not well I want to help, he just read no reply. He only talks to me about the girls. He's been picking them up and having them at his dads. When he comes here with them we are fine with each other there have been no arguments. He seems to just be carrying on like this is all normal. The girls keep asking me when he's coming home and why he's in a tent at nanny's. No one has an answer.

2 days after he left me he called the Drs and said he was feeling a bit better. He didn't tell them he left his marriage at the weekend and living in a tent he said it wasn't relevant. He's also started working again, half days last week and full time from this week, though he's absolutely not ready. I guess getting rid of me and the responsibilities that come with me gives him not much else to do but work. He hasn't told work either about any of this. His living situation now he's 50 mins away from the office and our house is 10 mins away. I've offered him to stay here in the spare room I'll stay out of his way but he won't. He's not been horrible to me at any point but he will not respond or entertain anyone asking him about the situation.

I have no idea what to do. I'm now off work too as I can't eat sleep anxiety through the roof racing heart all the time. My life's been blown apart. I don't know what's happened to my husband. Has this happened to anyone?

I know there is a possibility there is another woman but I really don't think so from what I've seen from the last 3 months. His family talk to me and have asked him too and confirmed he's in the tent every night he doesn't go anywhere only stays in with them.

I hope this is just some temporary breakdown and soon he will see sense and come home to us. But if this is really what he wants I don't know how to accept that. I don't think it's fair to not even try, counselling, talking and communicating with each other first before just walking out. Even if he said I just need some time apart. It just doesn't feel like him. We were happy before this. It's just been the last 3 months now this. Throughout this the dr increased his dose to now the max dose and they've not asked to see him in person. So he's had no counselling and won't ask for it either says he doesn't need it.

HELP

WHAT DO I DO?!

I'm so sorry OP 😞 What you do now is look after yourself and your girls. If this is what he wants, a tent in his dad's garden, let him have it.

He may change his mind, he may not, but from now on you should proceed as a separated couple, put in place a regular visitation schedule for the children and get yourself back to work. If the girls ask why he's sleeping in a tent at his dad's, say you don't know and they will have to ask daddy.

Try and eat healthy comforting food, get some exercise and sleep, go to bed when the kids do if you need to. Stress and anxiety is exhausting so be kind to yourself. See your GP if you're struggling. Lean on family and friends.

Keep communication with him about the children. Don't put yourself through any more discussion about the relationship - it will only hurt you. He has said he doesn't love you and I think you have to believe him, depression or not. That means starting to plan and live a life without him. I know it's daunting but you will be ok. There is light at the end of the tunnel and you will get there. You just need to take back control of your own life, instead of reacting to his actions.

I’m so sorry that this is happening to you @S3v3n. It’s awful and you have done nothing wrong.

I know you love him deeply but, he can’t be the husband that you need him to be.

I would tell your closest friends and family what has happened. And then concentrate on your life with your children. They need you.

You can’t save him and you can’t make him want to be in the marriage.

"3 months ago he entered into a depression pit. He went from going to the gym with me walks with me cooking with me family time with our 2 young daughters with me to widthrawn. Quiet. Shut down. He carried on fine with the girls but I noticed he was pushing me away. It happened suddenly. "

Something happened 3 months ago.

My mind too sprang to the possibility of an OW. Although you feel sure that this is not the case because "he's in the tent every night he doesn't go anywhere", that doesn't exclude the possibility that something happened between him and the OW 3 months ago. Eg she dumped him.

Or something happened at work? Do you know any of his colleagues, can you ask them?

He's not telling you something.

You’ve said yourself he’s pushed you away for months, made you angry, made you feel rejected. Depression or not, he doesn’t sound like he’s been particularly nice to you or considered you at all for months. Look out for yourself, like he’s doing.
Book yourself some counselling to talk it through with someone neutral.
What’s the story with your parents when you were growing up? (I’m asking for backstory to build a picture of what you see as a successful family)

You have looked after him long enough. You need to focus on yourself and kids. Just leave him to it . Even if he is not actively going to see another woman doesnt mean he doesnt like someone else. Its bit odd he has mostly just been off with you and noone else .

I was married to someone like this - all woe is me that the world owed him something. Happy to drug themselves to the eyeballs with anti depressants but refused any suggestion of counselling. It was exhausting. If he wants to destroy his life his marriage and his relationship with his children to live in a tent let him get on with it. It’s not good for your children to be around that kind of atmosphere either.
I don’t doubt it’s a terrible shock but also a betrayal after all the emotional investment you’ve put into your marriage and him over the years - it was when my ex husband left. I’d put in place supervised contact with the children only given his mental state and file for the divorce whilst he still feeling ashamed enough to sign most of it over to you. And then walk away with your head held high

But what if it is the depression and this is not the real him? That's what I can't work out and he wont talk to anyone. Wondering if anyone's husband has been through something similar and come out the other side and came back

Then he wouldn't be back at work. Or going out for drinks with friends/work colleagues. Everyone I know with severe depression cant just pick and choose. I think when you said maybe he feels better now he has less responsibility probably rings true .

The thing is that the depression is him too. If he regrets leaving, comes back to live with you, seems better for a while, he may very well get depressed again. He sounds histrionic - the sleeping in a tent is very dramatic and in its own way attention seeking. Has he ever had issues with alcohol or drug use? The fact he won’t tell the GP or his colleagues, but will tell you they don’t know, to me suggests he is looking for a specific reaction from you. He sounds to me as though he is still enmeshed with you and your emotional investment and indeed devastation may on some level assure him that he is important to someone. I would recommend you speak to a counsellor who can help you cope which would mean someone with understanding of serious mental health issues, personality disorders and that kind of thing. Monitor your children’s mood. I disagree with the advice that they should ask him why he’s sleeping in a tent, he may pull them in as an audience too. Be very matter of fact, but you need to help them process some very odd and confusing behaviour. Your husband is not fully the person you thought he was OP. I’m sorry. Get all the support you can to help you stay strong.

After 10 years this is undoubtedly the real him who uses the “diagnosis” of depression as an excuse. Mental illness is a very selfish illness which requires everyone around the sufferer to dance to their tune. My ex did “recover” yes but the minute it got slightly hard or more responsibility was required of him he soon disappeared again. The first time I played the dutiful wife - the second time with 3 young children I was over that shit

Op gently depression doesn’t work like that, where you can go back to work,socialise, be fine with kids etc, just not your wife.

living in a tent is bizzare, but he clearly wants his own space. I think you need to accept it. He doesn’t need to tell his boss, as long as he turns up to work each day, and he doesn’t need to tell his gp either.

im sorry you’re going through this, but i think its best to accept it. I’m sorry

Yeah I’m not sure about this, he’s only in the garden as the parents have no space for sleeping, I’m sure all his stuff is in the house and he uses all the facilities there.

Stepping away from everything withdrawing can be away of coping
people do feel as though there a burden and there life would be better off without them

leave him to it he may well come back but you definitely can’t force it

step back make sure he’s safe keep contact open but do set yourself a timeline

Thank you for this very understanding and balanced reply ❤️

Thank you, he did keep telling me I deserve better and he can't make me happy this is for the best etc even though I was saying I don't want anyone else I want to work through this together but there was no discussion to be had he was going and that was that. He tells me still there is a chance he might change his mind but not much and I need to be prepared that he won't. But he's not closing the door fully. I just really think he is deeply unwell still. He isn't at all acting or talking like the person I have been with for so long. I've only lost him recently, 3 months of deep depression out of 11 years together of good times

So he's working, seeing friends, and continuing to see your children? You're the only person whom he won't interact with except to discuss the children?

It sounds like functional depression (note that I'm not medically trained) in that he can keep going outwardly but is emotionally distressed/emotionally numb inside. You can't fix this @S3v3n and at least he's with his family so they can keep an eye on him. Focus on yourself and your children - hopefully he'll accept more medical support (counselling as well as medication) and improve, then you can then decide what you want to do.

My parents are still together and happy and live close to us. He has a really good relationship with them and my dad especially, just a week before they went to a gig together. He hasn't spoken to them at all, my dad has tried reaching out saying he's worried about him and he can get him help (Dad is a dr) but he hasn't even opened the message. His parents divorced when he was very young, both remarried and had kids and are still with those partners. They both have very close relationships with their kids with their current partners, my husband not as much but they still make effort with him. It's complicated and I think he should have always had some therapy to deal with his family dynamics but he didn't think he needed any. I'm just confused how he has come to the conclusion I am the problem and if he gets rid of me he will get better

Are you seriously advising the OP to exploit his mental breakdown/depression to maximise her divorce settlement? A ghastly suggestion and not one I think you'd advise if she had been depressed and left him.

If and when he recovers and sends the black dog on its way, do you think he will be able to co-parent well having been reduced to poverty?

Thankfully the Courts will have regard to the parties' needs and hopefully he will lawyer up to receive a fair settlement.

You have tried really hard.

Now it’s time to simply stop trying with him.

Absolutely just focus on you and your dcs only from now on.

You simply cannot allow him to keep pulling the rug from under you in this way. Depression or whatever it is.

It is strange he’s back to work and talking to people apart from you and your family. Your dad is is doctor?

I am sorry but my sympathy and energy would simply have run dry by now. I would be seeking divorce because you cannot carry this man. He is unreliable and unable to or simply doesn’t want to function as a husband and father.

. Once you become clinically focused on yourself and the DCs, he will almost certainly look to come back. But he will do it again and again. You need stability as do your dcs. You have to protect them from this drama.

This rang so many bells for me. I’ll get straight to the bit where he says he won’t come back but he might…. I think you would do well to have a look at the Chumplady website, this is called encouraging you to do the “pick me” dance.

i suggest you read your own post back again, to see his selfishness in it. FWIW my ex left because although he loved me he was not in love with me any more and although it may be the biggest mistake in his life he he had to change his life.

depression or no it is a common pattern. I’ll predict that he can’t live in the tent for much longer and a colleague from work will offer him a place to live temporarily.

all the best look after yourself.

Let him go. Living with someone with severe depression is extremely tough. I’ve been there. Never again.

Severe depression can only be treated by professionals - drs, psychiatrists, mental health specialists etc. There really is not much you can do for him and you mustn’t feel guilty or responsible in any way. You need to protect your own mental health and really hope that he finds the right support to recover.