DH trauma, therapy and porn use

[FridayBluesAgain]

I am a long-standing user of the Mumsnet boards, but I've name changed for this.

My DH told me a couple of years ago about some really unpleasant stuff that happened to him as a child. He started seeing a psychotherapist just under a year ago. As his therapy has gone on, his behaviour has changed and he has clearly been struggling at times.

Recently, I've been worried that he may be addicted to porn. I first noticed this after seeing some stuff in the browser history of a shared iPad. And a few times recently he has closed his phone browser really quickly when I've walked in the room but I've caught a glimpse of what he was watching. And he has been disappearing to the bathroom with his phone for prolonged periods of time. So it seems to be very frequent use.

I am anti-porn for ethical reasons. I've got a twenty-year old DD who had issues with her ex because of his porn addiction. The idea that my DH might be addicted concerns me. Under normal circumstances, I would raise this with him, but as mentioned this has only been an issue since he has been doing a lot of trauma work in therapy, so I'm wondering if it is some kind of coping mechanism. I feel like I need to raise this in the right way. Can anyone offer any advice?

There is a difference between addiction and a user of porn. He may well be trying to distract himself from the therapy unbearing. However, you need to gently ask him about what you have found on the ipad
and tell him this is unacceptable
to you. Is he aware of your stance on porn?

Yes, he knows my views and that I believe it is harmful to women and how women are perceived.

I think you are right that he is using it is a distraction from everything that trauma is unearthing, which is why I'm being less forthright about mentioning it than I usually would be.

Yes this is absolutely very common as a coping mechanism. Do you know about his trauma? Has there been any sexual trauma? Porn can sometimes be a "safe" way to explore that but it can complicated matters so it's not reccomended.

Usually in therapy before diving into trauma healthy comping mechanisms are put in place and it's a steady pace with feedback of are they working before going further into the trauma. Do you know much about the therapist? Unfortunately there are many that aren't great. It's worth trialing a few. Can you talk to him about his porn use?

And yes it might not be an addiction. I guess it's just the frequency that he seems to be using it that concerns me.

I think there are a few layers to this op.

I think it depends on the type of porn he's engaging with and whether it's 'mainstream' or criminal. This is relevant if its subconsciously linked to past trauma and this is a new behaviour you're noticing. While I agree with pps this isn't uncommon, it can be a risky strategy.

I'm presuming you're talking about sexual abuse in childhood from your post. It would make a lot of sense if he's only exploring that now as an adult it may be triggering him to reevaluate where he stands sexually on lots of things and this could be part of a process. However as his wife I think it's important you're able to have that conversation as the person he's intimate with.

I'd sideline your own views on porn (as valid as I think they are) for now and try to approach this from a place of curiosity because really you need him to be able to open up enough to tell you what is going on for him and that's a sensitive area. So I'd basically wait until you've time together uninterrupted and where there's no pressure and I'd ask if you can ask him something personal, then say that you've noticed xyz behaviours and that seemed to be different from his norm so you wanted to understand what was happening for him? If its something he noticed in himself and why he thinks he's using it more now? I'd also explicitly say that you aren't judging him, you're trying to understand him so you can support him because you love him and you know he's working through things. But you do need some communication from him around this to help you understand what is happening. And see what he says. If he agrees he's using it more then again I wouldn't get into a debate on the ethics I'd ask him if he thinks he's got enough healthy coping strategies in place to support himself or what else could you both do to help him establish some other ways of distracting himself/ processing his feelings. I'd also be suggesting that he brings his increased use up in therapy. The more open and respectful you are in the conversation the easier it'll be for him to do that. Which is ultimately what you want to set him up for.

Yes, he has told me and it did involve sexual abuse, which is why I am trying to be sensitive about how I broach this with him.

I don't know much about his therapist, just that he was recommended and is a specialist in childhood trauma. My DH seems to have a good relationship with him. He doesn't tell me much about it, but I think therapy has uncovered a lot of stuff. He can't keep things buried and suppressed anymore, which is why he has been struggling. The porn use is just one aspect of it. He has been drinking more as well as pushing me away - saying he can't be a good husband and it would be better if we separated etc. The latter I am trying not to take too personally, and I just try to reassure him that I am here for him.

Thank you. From what I have seen, it's mainstream stuff. If he is using it as a temporary coping mechanism, I don't really have a problem with that, my own concerns about the porn industry aside. I guess my concern is that with porn addiction, it can escalate. I'm hoping that doesn't happen.

And thank you for the advice about communicating to him about it. A while ago, he went through a phase of talking a lot and being very open, but he has shut down again. Maybe this isn't the right time to talk to him about this.

Maybe he needs more support, like medication, if he's drinking more etc. Therapy sometimes makes things worse before they get better.

He is reluctant to try antidepressants as he took them when he was younger and didn't react well to them. He said they made him feel completely numb and emotionless. But perhaps if he could find some that didn't have this effect, they might be helpful.

If he is concerned about feeling worse. Particularly numbed out and emotionless then porn and alcohol will do exactly that plus add some anxiety too. I think it would be beneficial for him to tell his therapist about all of this and they can scale back the sessions to focus more on wellbeing and putting the scaffolding in place to support him through unearthing the trauma.
I'd recommend listening to a podcast called pbse whilst it is aimed at addiction there are episodes that explain the mechanisms of numbing out to pornography. How it impacts the brain and dopamine. Also episodes on sexual trauma and the role porn can play in that.
Knowledge is power.

For you op would you consider some individual counselling to support you through this time. It's not a easy time and can feel very hurtful being pushed away which is very common in this.

What @Lavender14 said, I'd be concerned about the progressive nature of porn addiction and the slippery slope of him moving to more extreme porn due to desensitization and the (however low you think it is) risk of him obtaining IIOC. Sorry you're going through this.