Questions to ask when dating someone with stable schizophrenia

[Batesse]

I’m looking for some advice on potentially entering a relationship with someone who has a schizophrenia diagnosis.
We have been on dates and getting on so well, and I was a bit taken aback when he mentioned it and I have been unsure what to ask when he said that he’ll answer whatever I need to know apart from the things he disclosed.
I would really appreciate it if someone who knows about this first hand could help me ask the right questions.
He said that he has been stable for close to 15 years and that he actively follows his treatment routine but that he didn’t want to hide it from me which I appreciate.

This is a difficult one because I’m coming from the perspective of someone who was married for 14 years to someone with a diagnosis akin to schizophrenia who eventually took his own life. So inevitably the questions that spring to my mind are all quite negative. But bear in mind that we had many many happy times, he was a wonderful man and we had a gorgeous son who so far hasn’t become ill (early 20s now, unfortunately the big risk period for developing symptoms probably runs to the age of 30, there is zero sign of it though).

So in a way giving you a list of questions is trying to live my own life backwards, which can’t be done. And even if I’d had truthful answers to these questions, I do t know that I would have done anything different.

But I guess I would ask a lot more about what his periods of illness look like, the risk factors and triggers for him, how long he has been stable on the same medication, and whether he has attempted suicide and how often.

Have you discussed children? Do you want them? What does broken sleep/lack of sleep do to him?

I think I am bloody lucky to have a healthy child. I don’t know if that will last. I don’t know if I will have to watch grandchildren get ill. You can’t predict the future though, and it’s a good sign that he is upfront.

From my experience of knowing people with it the main issue is med compliance. They don’t like taking them , start to feel well think they don’t need them go off them, go off the rails and the cycle repeats. If he has been stable and med compliant for 15 years that’s a v v good sign but you would need to find out more I suspect

Thank you and I’m so sorry to hear this and wish the best for your son and you ❤
We both said that we don’t want children.
I really hope that you’ll both be ok

I’m sorry but I wouldn’t touch him with a barge pole. There are so many fish in the sea. I wouldn’t go into a relationship with someone knowing they had a serious health issue that could seriously negatively impact my life. It’s not being mean. It’s simply putting yourself first.

I would agree with this.
I had a friend who followed this pattern. Her attitude was "Why should I take these drugs when I'm well, it's like taking aspirin when you don't have a headache?!"
This caused her to have 'breakdowns' - not sure what the right word is - and she needed to be hospitalised to be stabilized.
Personally I wouldn't go there, but you have to make your own decision.

Rubbish. Anyone could develop a serious health issue at any time. You included.

One of my closest friends has a schizophrenia diagnosis, OP. They are amazing, successful, kind and hilarious. Life is never dull with them in it. Go for it!

https://www.waterstones.com/book/the-best-minds/jonathan-rosen/9781802063257
This was a particularly extreme case, but schizophrenia is a serious condition. Please be very careful.

Would he be happy to share his crisis plan?

This. I would walk away.

There is a massive difference between someone developing a serious health issue when you’re 10-15 years into a relationship and deliberately choosing that life for yourself - let’s not pretend otherwise.

Do they have family support
Do they have a good relationship with their psychiatrist - is there a team/clinic that is contactable
Do they have any substance abuse issues (past or present)
Are they financially independent
These are intrusive questions but very important.

I’m being nosy but it puts a different complexion on things if they suffer(ed) predominantly positive or negative symptoms

Second the medication compliance points.

"what signs might indicate to me that you need professional intervention, even if you don't believe you do yourself at that point in time?". "What is my route to get you help if I feel you are out of touch with reality?" In your previous (episodes?), were you a danger to yourself or others and how so? How did you end up getting help? Do you see a professional regularly for talking therapy anyway so that your wellbeing is being assessed ongoing? If you ever do experience a future loss of touch with reality, how long is it likely to last and will it likely be managed in the community or with you staying somewhere? Are you currently or during any specific periods restricted from doing anything specific eg. Driving/working? How do you feel on yourself now about your schizophrenia?

What are the warning signs that he is becoming unwell.
What symptoms did he experience previously.
What is the management plan should he become unwell (including who you should contact if concerned).
What medication does he take (this is useful in any medical crisis)
Who will support him/advocate in case of a crisis

It cannot never be zero risk but there are lots of positives here - long term medication compliance, long period of good health, openness about the condition - that bode well for him.

I spent 7 years in my 20's & 7 years in my 50's with the same man with a dx of schizophrenia & bipolar. Like others have said the risk is non compliance with meds - when well they can make you feel sluggish & seem unnecessary so risk is you dump them & end up unwell / in hospital. My chap did this, repeatedly. Periods of some years being well, then 4 Admissions in the last 8 years of his life (he died of cancer). Very Painful. For him & me.
He was one of the smartest, most loving people I've ever met. The illness is always there it's just a case of how well it is controlled. 15 years is good.
I would certainly give him a chance but keep your eyes wide open. The illness is very hard to control.

I would ask what medication he is on and then independently I would research the side effects.
Someone I knew developed psychosis and was reluctant to take the meds as they made her feel awful. I encouraged her to take them, so that she would get well and stay well but she suddenly developed a pulmonary embolism and died. Afterwards I found out that the meds you take for psychosis can cause PE.
Most of the people I know who have serious mental health problems seem to have type 2 diabetes as a comorbidity. I have noticed this with people suffering from schizophrenia and depression/anxiety/autism.

Thank you

You weren’t married to them. That makes a massive difference.

Personally I wouldn’t continue to date him. Sorry.

I have three friends with schizophrenia. The only one you would know has it is non-compliant with her medication and has constant crises as a result. One man has not had another serious episode since he was first diagnosed 30 years ago. He is a wonderful husband and father.

So many things can make someone a terrible partner — just look at all the stories on MN about shit husbands. None of these men are schizophrenic and yet they’re destroying relationships at a rate of knots.

If he seems like a great person who has been stable for fifteen years I wouldn’t hesitate to give it a shot. I would just take it slow and ask questions along the way as it feels appropriate. I suppose you need to understand your reason for asking the question. If you want evidence of his stability, you’ll get a lot of that from engaging with him. I would ask questions from a place of curiosity and interest in him, as opposed to seeking reassurance. You can get the reassurance just by hearing him talk about it. Ask him when he was diagnosed, be empathetic, ask him what that was like for him, if it was a shock or if he always felt something was going on. Ask how he feels these days, if he has good professional support and how often he sees them. You can ask if he worries about relapse, and that might lead to him sharing any safety plans he has in place. Just be compassionate and curious as part of the process of getting to know him.

I’m so sorry OP, but I would also walk away for the reasons already given and also having a very close friend and seen her family almost destroyed by the fallout of this condition.

This. Just don’t. Raise your bar.

In the nicest possible way, run.

I wouldn't personally op. My peace is too important. But only you can decide if he's worth the risk.

He was a bit deceptive to wait until you started to like him to disclose such an important thing to you.. do you have a tendency to fall for men that are projects? Imagine having a child with him and a child ends up having schizophrenia.
Don't do this to yourself

Can someone with medical/nursing experience please tell us if there is such a thing as a "stable schizophrenic"?

Thanks.

Such a dismissive and naive post. I have plenty of incredible, fun friends I would never want to marry as I imagine they are hard work on a day to day basis.