Shared responsibility

[Daisytwo]

This is the first time I have EVER posted on a forum, as I desperately need some advice regarding my other half.
We have been together for nearly 20 years, and have two daughters together (16 years and 4 years) He has always been quite a difficult character, but lately, I feel I am being taken for granted. Actually, I have always felt this way, I guess as I am now in my 40's I am looking at him and his actions with 'open eyes'
He does not work, I do. I do the majority of the housework and ALL the admin/diary. I wake in the night if our 4 year old wakes, every morning I make the tea and bring it upstairs for him, while he plays his game on his phone. I get up, put a wash on, get our youngest dressed, teeth cleaned, hair done, breakfast done...then he comes downstairs. I also do EVERY bath time and bed time, then once she's asleep, I start on work (around 8pm). He's then playing his game. What I'd like to know, is your opinion on this, please. As I'm feel very sad and questioning if I was wrong to ask him why we don't share the responsibilities?

I think you know you're not in the wrong. How comes he doesn't work yet you do everything? Don't let him get away with it. He's taking the piss, sorry.

He hasn't worked in the last 3 years. He was working as security, but coming home drunk or injured. So I asked him to not renew his licence when it ran out. I took on the sole financial responsibility, but also remained as the housekeeper and of course mother duties

Well he could have gotten a different sort of job, but he’s a looser and you an enabler. I’d kick him out and start modelling healthy relationships to your daughters so they don’t make the same mistakes

Thank you for your input! You are basically saying, what I am thinking. I'm worried that my daughters' will see the disrespect that I accept.

Sorry OP but I have no idea why you're putting up with this! If he's not working and you're working full time then he should be doing the majority of the housework, cooking, shopping and doing his fair share of bath & bedtimes. Put your foot down now and tell him to shape up or ship out! And stop bringing him tea in bed in the morning, you sound like a bit of a doormat to be honest 🙁

Of course they will, and your oldest will be getting into her own relationships now and thinking this is normal. He sounds like a waste of space

Because you allow it? You need to get your Karen on and stop waiting on the twat.

Thank you. This is exactly what I need. Before I met him, I was independent and living in my own house which I owned. I have certainly lost that sassy independent girl spark, but I can definitely get it back.

Why didn’t he get a different job?

You might be better getting rid of this lump (less cleaning, cooking, shopping, etc) and claiming benefits for you & kids. He’s certainly not a good example for the kids to live with. Do you want them thinking that this is normal?

Well initially why don't you stop doing anything for him. Bringing him tea in bed is surely an easy fix - just stop doing it and anything else you do for him.

This morning he has made the tea! He also said, 'because I don't have a problem with making it', as he went downstairs.

My eldest really doesn't like him. She is a very strong-minded young lady.

And yet you had a child with him barely 4 years ago

Nothing is good enough for him.

Yes, she was 11 and loved her dad, but as she has grown up, she has started to see the kind of man he is

Sorry, I misread. He stopped working a year after having our second child.

Have you tried doing absolutely nothing for him? Why on earth are you doing all the parenting when he doesn’t work?! You said that sassy spark-get it back and tell him to do one. What, bar being an extra child and a financial drain, is he adding to your life?

Absolutely nothing, these days

He's essentially a squatter, leeching off you and your kids and bank account.

Is he just a boyfriend? There's absolutely zero to lose by dumping him. He's meant to be enhancing your life and being an excellent, functional, parent.
Imagine the peace and freedom that's waiting for you and your kids

We aren't married but have been together nearly 20 years. My father died when I was a baby and my mum never remarried. I had the perfect idea of my children always having two parents, there have been many times I've wanted to leave him. It's only really now, that my 16 year old is telling me to do so, I've considered that my 'perfect idea 'was perhaps, not so perfect after all.

Unfortunately he would still be their parent if/when you remove him from your house. I doubt he'd actually parent either of them though.
Don't get caught up in any attempted manipulation, he probably won't like losing his meal ticket, call the police if he gets angry or threatens you.

Great news that you're not married tbh

Who owns the house? In what proportion?

Get it valued, start decluttering, start taking your life back

I would be cold hard cash that once you start making moves to split he will see his meal ticket ending and gets a job

But that's only part of the issue. For 4 years he's sat on his arse and let you do everything. Unforgivable.

He's simply a cocklodger now OP, he brings nothing to the table, and benefits from your hard work.

He won't want his meal ticket to end, so you have to be strong.

You've said your eldest no longer even likes him. There is a reason for that.

Get legal advice about how to remove him from the property and then act on it.

Once you've told him to leave, you stop all 'wife work' for him, so stop doing his laundry, stop cooking anything for him, stop buying anything for him (toiletries/razors/food/clothing/beer/cigs etc) and only do these things for your DC.

If he gets angry or aggressive, you phone the police.

Could you get your ducks in a row to leave?
Partners are there to support you. I'm reading that you got a man child.

You could stay in this madness. Or you could gather everything you have and find a better life...without this man child.

Be brave. and find happiness.