Partying over parenting. Am I unreasonable for resenting my partner disappearing for days with a child?

[Naun]

My partner and I have been together nearly 6 years, he has always liked to party and go out...when I say go out he would go off for a few days and then come home. Anyway we now have a 3 year old together. When I was pregnant he still carried on this behaviour, I'd go to work a night shift and he would suddenly go quiet and wouldn't reply to messages. I'd then go home in my break and find he'd gone out. Then when I'd had our little girl he carried on going out and disappearing for days. I really struggled with PND (probably still do but that's a whole other issues!) and I found it so hard to cope when he went off. I tried to tell him but he either made out like I'm over reacting or he'd promise he wouldn't go out as much.
He wanted me to stay at home and not go back to work so I could look after our little girl-tbh i thought that's what I wanted but looking back deep down I wanted to go back to work. I was ready to go back. Money has been tight and when he goes AWOL bills are paid late etc. Everytime I mentioned going back to work he would get annoyed and upset and make out like he isn't providing for us.
Now I am going back to work, I'm just waiting for a start date to get back to the NHS. But he going out and partying just isn't slowing down, it seems to be getting worse. I'm stuck at home struggling to afford milk or nappies at times and he is off for days with little to no contact.

When I tell him how I feel his response is 'Well I've done this since I met you'...alright maybe but it doesn't make it right does it?
I feel like sometimes I'm being gaslighted into thinking I am in the wrong for over reacting and getting angry and upset.
At the moment I can't afford to live by myself with my daughter until I start earning-but part of me worries about how I would cope if I did live alone with fitting work around pre-school etc.

I love him but I'm scared I'm not in love with him and every time he does this I just build up my wall higher and higher and find myself resenting him and his behaviour.

I'm sorry for the long post I feel I just need to get it off my chest (I have no real friends and I don't feel comfortable to discuss with family!)

Am I being unreasonable with getting annoyed and angry?
I just feel so lost right now. I'm nearly 40 and it's not how I imagined my life.

You’re not being unreasonable to expect him to step up as a father. Did you discuss this before you had your dd? Does he ever look after her on his own?

it sounds like he’s not going to change so just focus on yourself and your dd. I’m going to guess he’s not going to help with childcare when you go back to work anyway

It doesn't sound like a relationship, you need financial independence and to secure your own property. Give the boyfriend as much regard as he gives you and your child.
Check the child maintenance calculator, and if your child would get funded nursery hours.

We did but I also thought that he might calm down his ways (stupidly!). He does look after her on his own but not a lot-though if I say this he gets offended and says he is always looking after her.
He recently got upset and said he feels like she doesn't like him and rejects him...I tried to explain that its just a phase but also I am always with her. It's me that plays, takes her out and is there when she needs me. I am the one who has to say 'oh daddy is work' when he doesn't bother to come home. I've told him I hate lying to her, espechially now shes at an age where she asks where he is or if he will be home for bedtime.

I guess it comes down to whether or not you think he will be a better con parent together or apart. I would hope that if you separate he wouldn’t party when it’s his time with her

He needs to man up and start looking after his family. He is still behaving like a teenager. Now he has serious commitments he can’t live like that.
Who in his life would he listen to? Dad, brother, uncle etc? Can you enlist them to make your case? Obviously he should listen to you but he’s being a dick.

Op I'm so sorry that you are in this situation, it sounds incredibly hard even without PND. You've done so well to keep going on your own.
Unfortunately, it's clear that your partner is very abusive, specifically at least financial abuse and emotional abuse. Abandoning you and your child for days at a time is completely unreasonable, unsafe and clearly not something your partner cares to stop doing. The fact that he continued to do this whilst you were in the depths of PND is abhorrent behaviour from his side.
Him asking you to stay at home, being upset that you want to work (I e. Have the option of some form of independence) and then leaving you without enough money for basic necessities is financial abuse and control.

Aside from this, I'm imagining that someone who is so cold about disappearing for days at a time probably doesn't speak to you kindly and respectfully or act as an involved parent and house partner. I'd also assume that there's likely some alcohol or substance issues to have multiple days/nights out in a row without break.

For the sake of your health and happiness, as well as your child's, you should call Women's Aid or Gingerbread charity for advice and plan your strategy to leave. That way you can plan a future with your kiddo where you can spend your energy on enjoying your work, your child and building supportive friendships with other mums. Right now, all that energy will be being sucked up by the constant worry of when your partner will next disappear.

When he is gone for days, where is he, who is he with and what is he doing? And why does he think this is more important than being a father to his child? You are not being unreasonable expecting him to behave like an adult and not a teenager, and the reason she rejects him is because he’s not present enough in her life.

I wouldn’t stay in this situation, it might be an idea to start sorting out a new place to live that doesn’t include him.

(if there are drugs involved in his absences, then you definitely need to be rid of him)

Where does he go to when he disappears for days OP? Who is he staying with? Is he doing drugs?
It sounds as though he has got a whole other life that you arent part of.
It doesn't sound as though he will change.

Is it correct to assume his benders involve drugs?
is he skipping work when he does it? How has he gotten away with that if so?
is it impulsive? Ie he’s supposed to just be on a night out but 1 night turns into 3 days?

Most people knock that on the head by age 27 or so.
You should probably give an ultimatum so he’s fair warned then next time it happens, end things

Is he taking coke?

He sounds like a selfish tosser and you would definitely be better off without him. Once you're working and little one settled in preschool, get yourself away from him. He won't change, if you stay you'll probably have a couple more kids and end up more dependent on him. Get out now and make a new life for you and your daughter.

I’m so sorry OP.

I think you need to plan your life as if he has no involvement and you cannot rely on him for anything. As that is how he is acting. Please talk to your family if they will support you.

Going back to work is a good plan as you need to be financially independent as a first step but you do need reliable childcare. Make sure you keep the money you earn separate and somewhere only you can access it. Wishing you all the best