How do you resolve wanting different holidays?

[ElfinsMum]

Trigger warning - first world multi holiday problem. Yes we are priviledged. Yes our carbon footprint is too large. Sorry.

We have lived abroad for nearly ten years. For most of that time, our kids were small and all our holidays were either longhaul trips home to visit grandparents or cheap local family beach holidays. No choice/discussion required tbh.

This year, we have extra money for various reasons. We also came to the conclusion after last year's local beach holiday that our older kids are too old for those trips now and we need to have a rethink. Before kids we did some great backpacking trips btw, people at my work honestly used to get excited to find out where we were going each year!

Sounds great right? Except turns out DH and I want vastly different things! I want to go on some short city breaks and get back to art galleries, proper restaurants etc. He says he has been waiting ten years to take the kids skiing (which requires a longhaul flight btw). This is actually a lie - he and the older kids skiied in 2018 but he discounts it because it was only 3 days tacked onto the end of a trip home and right at the end of the season and the snow was too sticky or something. I can't ski at all because of some health issues.

As soon as he mentioned skiing I said yes, book it, that's fine. I know he misses it and we have money this year so go for it! But now annoyingly he says that our budget won't stretch to him taking them skiing and going somewhere else. He even said the places I want to go are of no interest to him, which just felt horrible when travel used to be a big thing for us as a couple. So it is now looking like i have got myself all excited for literally nothing, i won't be going anywhere on holiday this year. By next year, we won't have this spare money and we'll be due a trip to see the grandparents as usual.

How pissed off would you be? Would you ban the ski holiday and insist we find a holiday we all want to do? Would you insist on maxing out the budget to do two holidays? How do you balance choosing destinations between you? What about when you need to find somewhere that you, DH and multiple teens can all agree on?

(Looking back i think i mostly chose before kids, apart from when we drove round Scandinavia with a tent and a paper map one summer at uni which was awesome but definitely his idea!)

Banff and Andorra are different. Where is he going, for how long, and how fancy? Could it be pared down?

I tend to be the person trying to find unicorn holidays. But I also travel alone or with friends to places no one else wants to go.

You can ski in places with cities. Vancouver is one. However, the skiing isn't great! And neither is the city unfortunately. But there are others.

Assuming that you are both clear around how much there is in the holiday pot can you sit down one evening with a couple of laptops and a glass of wine and look at different options together?

There must be a solution. Off the top of my head I'd be looking at:

• A slightly more budget skiing holiday leaving money for a city break
• A luxury skiing trip in a lovely resort with a spa and/or things for non-skiers
• A two-centre trip - 5 days skiing followed by a city break even if you have to fly between them
• DH and the kids go skiing but there's enough in the pot for you to have a solo trip or take the kids away yourself somewhere else

Maybe there needs to be a conversation where you agree that you'll both need to compromise slightly but the groundrules are that everyone gets a holiday (if they want one), that it feels fair, and that you're both open to exploring different options together.

Can you book a hybrid holiday? I don't ski but it seems like the Alpine areas are reasonably close to bigger cities too. Maybe this is not the best skiing (how capable are your DCs anyway?) or the best cities but ...

He takes DC skiing and you go alone to somewhere like London, Madrid, Malaga or Paris indulge in galleries and restaurant lunches or go with a friend. Split the budget accordingly so it covers both trips.

OK I went down a weird rabbit hole. Looking for skiing near interesting places. Uzbekistan. I'm not joking. Or even Karakol in Kyrgyzstan. "A historic former Soviet Olympic training base offering champagne powder, tree runs, and panoramic views of Lake Issyk-Kul." Sounds idyllic and very cool.

So all the places you want to go are of no interest to him, yet he is quite happy to spend the entire family holidy budget on a skiing holiday he wants to do but which is physically impossible for you health-wise.

Not nice, that.

When are you supposed to get your holiday?

Honestly? Neither. First, I would ask DH not to book anything until we'd had another conversation, and schedule some time for both of us to talk about it a few days later. That takes the pressure off and gives you boh time to think.

Then I would be sitting down with him for a conversation about holiday plans and priorities, not just for this year but also what kind of holidays you're hoping for over the next two or three years. Then you can both do some research into different options for this year and come up with some proposals to choose from.

You have to juggle different preferences and priorities including family visits, you have limited cash (are you likely to have spare cash next year?) and your children are growing up. So it makes sense to talk things through without the pressure of making a decision on this year's holiday right away.

Do not de-prioritise your wants and needs in the way that your DH is . Why is there enugh money for his trip but not yours? Nope. Call that shit out.

The solution is you either do your own things but with a proportionate budget (and you get kid-free time if you go on your own, bonus!) or you find a trip you all want to do - so he doesn't get to ski and you might do a day in a city as part of a wider trip rather than a whole city break.

But do not compromise what you want to do. Do not dismiss what you want to do as not valid, or valuable or interesting because of the opinion of a man.

I travel alone all the time and love it.

Kyrgyzstan is the most brilliant place ever, and Lake Issyk-kul is fabulous. But I would not stay at the former soviet ski base (I camped there 2 years ago). Look at more pictures of Kyrgyz, its the most BEAUTIFUL place.

Separate holidays this year. You go off with a friend or the kids for your idea of fun while he stays home. He does the skiing trip while you stay home.

He is an arsehole for trying to make a ski trip that you cannot join in on the family holiday.

My first question is would the kids all want to go skiing or would one of them prefer to do something different, maybe just suggest that he books skiing and you book something you would enjoy and holiday separately for a year to see how it goes, would all depend on whether that means you’d be on your own or if one of the kids would be joining you i guess.

We often do skiing + city break in one holiday. You don't mention where you are, so I can't make suggestions, but we've done Italian Alps + Turin, French Alps + Geneva, Wasatch Mtns + Salt Lake City, Rockies + Denver. So could you do something like that?

One of my friends said her best skiing holiday ever was in Japan, so you could easily combing a bit of skiing with a dose of culture. Where in the world are you and what would you choose, holiday wise? Giving up and going nowhere isn't the only choice - we'll find you somewhere!

What about when you need to find somewhere that you, DH and multiple teens can all agree on?

This is a question that I've spent a lot of time trying to answer in my own family, as DH and I love to travel, but don't always want to do the same things as our kids. So, to use your example, I don't really want to go skiing any more (I used to love it but I'm 52 now and I literally CBA!). But anyway, our kids enjoy it and DH is still up for it (as am I when we get there, but if it was up to me I'd never go again), so we compromise. I agree to ski for 4 days as long as we get a couple of days in a nice hotel in X city doing cultural stuff and eating nice food before we fly home. The airport is next to the city so we'd be heading back there anyway so it's not inconvenient. The kids love a posh hotel and as long as we either choose the cultural outings carefully or leave them in the hotel or tag team then everyone gets at least one thing that they want. Voila!

I would be furious.

No, he doesn’t get to unilaterally dictate the whole travel budget and leave you out.

He will have to spend less and you have money for a trip with your mates/DC/alone.

Agree, and another consideration alongside the different preferences and priorities, is the OP's health condition which physically prevents her from joining in some holiday activities, including skiing.

One might go so far as to say that accommodating the OP's health limitations really ought to be at the top of the list.