Advice on boundaries when dating someone who co-parents successfully

[Navyontop]

Hello All,
I am looking for information, lived experiences and advice from either people who Co-parent successfully or women who have a relationship with a person who does.
I am a 41 year old woman who has no children and chose not to be a parent around 8-9 years ago. I made this decision for a variety of reasons including but no limited to - a health complication that would make pregnancy difficult, an unstable work pattern, some unresolved issues from my own childhood. I do however really like and enjoy children and am an auntie to 11 great people and a godmother to 6 more.

I have a partner who is wonderful and I love him very much. We’ve been dating for a year and have known one another for around 4 years.
He was (is technically) married and has 3 children (6,9 & 11) who he is coparenting with his ex partner on a 50/50 basis, quite successfully by all accounts.
2.5 years ago he discovered that his ex partner was having an affair, Obviously he was devastated during this time.
I add this detail to highlight how impressive it is that they coparent so well.
He doesn’t speak badly of his ex partner and I don’t particularly judge her either as I’m quite open minded, but am aware she’s obviously capable of massive deception.
She is still dating the affair partner, children don’t know about affair or partner.

Now onto the advice.
They communicate a lot!! More than I’m really comfortable with, but obviously having 3 children that live equally between your homes requires a lot of communication.
She called 4 times whilst we were on holiday to talk about a broken asset and ask him for money and assistance.
We’ve been talking recently about him telling his children that I exist soon and me starting to do the occasional activity with them all.
Before this happens I want to be sure that I can cope with the overall situation as I want to be as fair and kind and respectful to his children as possible.
What boundaries have you put in place with coparent communication?
Any obvious things I should be considering?
Do you all spend time together? Has this made things easier?
We don’t plan to live together for at least 5 years, how am I best prepared to explain I’m still uncomfortable with the wedding photo displayed in a common area in his home? Or should that be left for the children’s sake?

Any other notes/experiences that you have are welcomed.

I think it’s a really hard situation to navigate to be honest OP, even more so if they are still actually married because there is still going to be a lot of “things” to sort out, discuss, communicate about even outside of the children. The asset thing for example, if they are still married then these are joint assets, they are going to require mutual discussion, finances, agreements.

Boundaries on communication are not really something within your control, it’s up to the two of them to decide. It’s up to them to figure out what that looks like and really for you then to decide if you are comfortable with it or not, and if not the relationship is not for you.

I honestly wouldn’t want to get involved deeply with someone if they were still married and still sharing young children.

Divorce is messy even if they are amicable now I guarantee dividing assets and maintenance, child care etc is so stressful and you will be part of that fallout. I use mine, several friends and acquaintances experience for that.
Ive seen it happen a lot, I’ sure you care about him a lot but especially if there’s been an affair involved divorce and emotions ride high.

Just consider your peace and put yourself first and if they divorce and boundaries get put in place then you may find yourselves reunite further down the line.

What is standing between them and actual, full divorce? I agree with PP about the fallout that is likely to have.

I think you need to set very clear boundaries and be ready to leave if they aren’t held.

I would be very surprised OP if he is really ready for another relationship.
He and his ex partner are still married, stll enmeshed and share young children.

I don't see how your plans and dreams for your future with him will fit into the reality of the situationn. There will be a lot of heartache and upset for you because of his relationship with his ex wife and of course his children.

The divorce has all been agreed etc, due to be finalised by courts in the coming weeks.
They live separately and have done for 1.5 years if that makes a difference?

No to the wedding photo! Replace with his favourite photo of the children.
My DP was subject to frequent phone calls from his ex presented as requests for things the children needed. I didn't like it at all and it still happens now they are grown up! She keeps the model of 'coparenting' . But it didn't mean that he was still attached to her romantically or vice versa. She just couldn't let go of his support.

The communication is between him and his wife, no one else's concern.
It sounds like a complete mess and like he's nowhere near ready to be dating. How does he enhance and ease your life?

I think you need to assess over time whether this is a healthy, sustainable dynamic.

I’m a hair away from a full divorce - filed in Feb, sorted through mediation, waiting on the
final court bit now. I’m currently away with the kids. Ex messages every few days to speak with them, and needed my help with some admin thing which I did. We exchanged another three messages about how things are going here. That’s my normal, fwiw.

I think you’ve maybe misunderstood what a boundary is. A boundary is something you put round yourself. Not others. You do not get to give your partner rules on co parenting communication , which is what you clearly mean,

and for someone who doesn’t judge, you clearly do and are massively jealous and insecure about his relationship with his ex. This is something you need to deal with.

if you attempt to control him and his communication your relationship will end, as it rightly should. Because he has to manage the relationship not you.

if you can’t cope with their communication then end it.

Yes this is all sounds very similar.

I'd probably mention the wedding photo. No need for that!

My partner mentioned a photo I had of myself and my ex on my bookshelf. I had kind of left it there for my son but when I realised it was a bit hurtful to my partner I replaced it. I have left one of myself, ex and son together in my son's room instead.

Hi successful co parent here! I can count on one hand the amount of times I have spoken to my ex on the phone in the 8 years since we split and they’ve all been emergencies. We manage via text and can go days without communicating. The only time we do anything together is the odd school event.

I’ve been co parenting amicably with my ex for 12 years. We usually speak via text but a phone call here and there isn’t unusual. We probably spoke more on the phone when DS was younger. We both go to DS’s football games weekly and school events. He has a long term partner and they have children together. I buy his partner and children small Christmas/birthday presents. I also have a good relationship with my ex’s family (who are obviously my son’s family). Honestly, I wouldn’t be impressed if a new partner took issue to any of that. Although I would bring up the wedding photo. I still have photos of my ex and I and us as a family for my DS but they aren’t on display.