I dread him coming home

[IcyOP]

When do you know whether to leave? The kids are in University but it would devastate them. We still have fun, we are intimate but I have so much resentment that I often dread seeing him. I’m too drained to list it all (money, a one night stand etc). I am going to ask for couples therapy but am scared of initiating the conversation. So, all this to say, when did you know it made more sense to leave? More importantly (maybe!), I really need stories of people who are staying and making it work. Gemini says a third of us stick in unhappy marriages - please show me some solidarity and helpful tips?!

I don’t have any advice from personal experience but my sister kept saying the children would be devestated but actually they both knew it wasn’t a healthy relationship and were relieved when she split with their dad. Life is too short to be miserable.

The kids are in University but it would devastate them. This is very strong. They would potentially be sad and concerned. Devastated is for tragedies and traumas.

Maybe instead of couples therapy, start with individual therapy to work out how you feel, get a sense of your true views first.

Thank you!!!!! I think I am pretty good at hiding how I feel to protect the kids. Although he does inflict his misery on them at times.

Just leave. Kids always know and if they're at university they should be old enough and mature enough to understand.

I think I am pretty good at hiding how I feel to protect the kids

Everyone always does. But kids are more perceptive than people generally give them credit for.

Kids don't go to university, adults do. They'll get over it.

If I told you that your DC were probably at Uni having late night conversations with their mates about how their mum is lovely, but downtrodden, and should have left their dad years ago, as he cheated on her and is awful with money, would that help?

Because that’s a really likely scenario here.

Living with unhappy people, as your kids have been, is hard. You feel that unhappiness and sorrow, it fills each room.

To expect them not to have put 2 + 2 together is an insinuation that your DC are a bit dim, but they’re at uni, so that’s unlikely. They’re more likely to be hiding the fact that they know from you, to save you any more hurt.

You may find that, actually, your DC would be delighted if you divorced as they could finally have a happy home to go back to.

Are you working/income of your own @IcyOP ?
if not, go out and get it then get free!

Yes, I have a reasonably big job. Money isn’t the issue.

OP you really should leave and be happy. Your adult children know your marriage isn't good. You deserve better.

Definitely leave. The DC are going to be full of their own new lives. Don’t be surprised if they aren’t particularly interested, never mind devastated!

I found out in my early 20s that my parents' marriage wasn't the happy one I had thought it was. They ultimately stayed together, but both I and my sibling (then at uni) would have never wanted them to do that for us - we just wanted our parents to be happy whether that was together or apart. I am certain that your kids will feel the same, and be horrified to think you were staying for their sake.

Is hiding your feelings and putting up with things that are not right the example you want to give to your kids.