How do you actually go no contact when it’s complicated?

[howtogonc]

For many reasons, I want to go NC with my parents. This will undoubtedly mean I go NC with my grandparents as they will side with them. I live in a different country to them but they come 2 times a year to see us. My reservation is my DC; they’d be distraught to not see them again. How could I go NC in this situation? DC aren’t old enough for phones of their own so I can’t do it that way. Plus if I did do it, everyone (apart from my partner) would kick off massively.

You keep in mind why you need to. You accept that the relationship that you’ve ever had with them is all they can offer. You accept your limitations, you actually can’t make your parents behave like parents. They have always done as they wished.

Maybe you don’t then

Would your children really be distraught not to see them again?. I doubt it and especially so if you do not keep on bringing it up. It would do them good for you to show them that you as their mother are not openly disrespected by family relations. If your parents are toxic and or otherwise too difficult for you to deal with, it’s the SAME deal for your kids too. You are protecting them from malign influences and your children also need emotionally healthy role models.

You can arrange for the grandparents to phone your children on your phone at the same time each week. Eg 4pm on a Sunday. And at that time you hand the phone to your kids and hover nearby ready to grab it if/when they say anything inappropriate.

No Contact is precisely that - no contact. None of you should have anything more to do with your parents.

Make yourself less available to them going forward and reduce all interactions down to zero sum. No access to any of you. Do not let them use your kids to get back at you.

Any present items they may choose to send the children going forward should not be acknowledged in any way. You have your partners support in going no contest ; utilise that fully.

they’d be distraught to not see them again

children don't think like that, they don't think into the future like adults do, especially if you don't paint a picture of what it will be not to have contact with your DPs / their DGP anymore. Take things a day at a time and decide if it's better to do a slow fade or LC rather than all out NC.

If you think your dc will be distraught at not seeing their grandparents then they must be close to them. How did they become so close if they are so awful that you want to go NC?

How old are your kids?

Why do you want to go no contact? What is in the best interests of the kids? Happy Mum is normally pretty high up.

They aren’t that close @Soontobe60they just like them a lot, they only speak a few times a year out with the visits.

I don’t really want to go into specifics as it’s niche but suffice to say that twice they’ve caused me extreme trauma, once to the point where the emotional/verbal abuse they were giving me nearly made me lose my first DC and in general, my mother causes me extreme anxiety. It’s strange because they haven’t done anything that bad for about 8 years now but when I was pregnant with DC3, I was overwhelmed with memories and feelings which negatively impacted my mental health and that’s not gone away, only increased.

Surely whatever behaviour is making you want to go NC could also be turned onto your children? I would protect them from future pain by extending the NC to the children too, for their own benefit. Sometimes we have to do things our kids don't like but that we know is better for them.

I doubt they will be “distraught” then.

I am NC with my mum, it’s been just over 18 months since I’ve seen her.

Prior to this we saw her at least two times a week so
my children regularly saw her and had sleepovers there.

I just gave them an age appropriate explanation as to why we don’t see nanny anymore and they have been absolutely fine.

I went NC ten years ago from my parents. Changed my phone number and no cards christmas presents etc. They got the idea and is much better

I have gone non contact with my parents recently. It's been coming the last 2 years and each time I felt so bad, so guilty. I kept going back and bring my now 8year old with me and it was honestly stupid of me. The comments were now made to him instead. The first time I brought him back round the them the first thing they said was ohhh we missed you so much but it wasn't our fault we didn't see you!! Since they have tried to accost him in the street when out with his friends with bags of gifts all while being so so so vile to and about me.
My son was being affected by their toxicity and I'm so glad I have now stopped that to.
I just explained to him that sometimes adults don't act very well and say and do things that hurt people and sometimes people aren't always as nice as u think. Not once in 8months has he asked to see them