Cycle of arguing

[SillyGoldDreamer]

I'm posting here after a horrible argument with my partner yesterday who exhibited behaviour which I Googled and discovered can be defined as DARVO. We went to bed not speaking, me in despair over his manipulative, unreasonable behaviour. Long story short, he didn't clean a floor properly (his poor housekeeping is a common cause of our arguing), I calmly pointed this out, he asked me to give examples, I showed him the literal dirt and grime and he lost his temper, brought up things I'd done wrong in the past and my general antagonistic, aggressive behaviour. He then said he was sorry and that he'd let himself down, but followed this up by asking me to explain to him what he did wrong and told me to accept my general aggressive antagonistic behaviour. At this stage I was furious and told him I didn't want to speak to him and he flew off the handle saying he no longer wanted to speak to me.

Today, he claims he accepts my account of his behaviour and takes full responsibility for the argument, but is still saying things that make me think he doesn't fully - he brought the fact I am an antagonistic person (I wasn't antagonist yesterday, in a situation when I had a right to be, and even he admitted that).

Our relationship of over 20 years has involved regular arguing followed by making up and moving on. My criticism of him is that he can be aggressive and is extremely impatient and highly strung, which he admits to. His criticism of me is that I am also aggressive, which I take on board.

I'm not sure how to proceed. We now have two young children and my biggest worry is that they grow up around arguing parents. My husband in the past has had serious mental health problems and I wonder if his behaviour yesterday was related to a rawness in his state of mind. The reason we are still together is because we enjoy each other's company, a fact he always circles back to when we've had a serious argument and are discussing the state of our relationship. Splitting up and getting separate homes feels impossible, there's no way we can afford it. He says splitting up is the last thing he wants. But I don't want to stay in a situation where behaviour like yesterday is a possibility.

my biggest worry is that they grow up around arguing parents

You and this man have been fighting for twenty years. Your kids will continue to grow up around two adults who don't like each other, unless you choose if you want more from life.
If you're married, have you looked into what dividing the assets would look like? If you'd get universal credit?

You've only really got control over your part of it. You could try meditation to try and help with your own temper. (Please note I am not blaming you for the rows!

I did this and am convinced it ended my marriage (which was a very good thing) as when I stepped out of the pattern I could see it for what it was, manipulation and control.

You had an argument over the fact he didn't clean the floor properly?

I get that if you want a job doing it needs to be done properly, i have no idea if he failed to do it properly because he couldn't be bothered, or he's just not good at things like that, or there is a lack of interest, but, my way of dealing with things like that (and i do try to do the best job i can every time with no lack of effort due to a bit of OCD) is to say if you're not happy with the way i did it, do it yourself.

How did you deliver your un-satisfaction? If you said it in a calm tone and you weren't angry or aggressive then i see no reason why he would react the way he did, sometimes the tone of your voice can be the difference between getting something resolved and having a full blown argument. I get life is full of frustrations but small changes in the way you communicate can reduce unnecessary stress. Not saying this was the reason for yesterdays argument but you know what i mean.

We all do it from time to time, i kick myself when frustration drives my response to an argument as i know that being calm always has a better outcome.

I usually do the job and had actually told him to hold off doing it so I could do it myself. I told him it wasn't done properly in a reasonable way, which even he admitted, and said I would then do it myself but he (accompanied by dramatics) insisted on doing trying to do it.

Oh i see, answer me this:

Do you think he tried to do it because he wanted to please you or do you think he tried to do it in defiance because you told him not to?

I mean if you come at every argument adamant that’s he’s manipulative, DARVO, unreasonable, whereas you are reasonable, calm and entirely justified, you’re probably never going to see eye to eye.

I wonder what his take on things would be. Try imagining that you’re at fault too.

Personally I find people nit picking about the way I’ve done a chore infuriating.

You seem to have created a narrative where he is bad and you are good and it's really unhealthy. If you really believe his motives are that bad I can't see how you move forward unless you're willing to reexamine your behaviour non defensively. You say he has apologised, admitted fault, said you're entirely in the right - that doesn't sound like a proper discussion about how you both communicate more effectively. That's what you need.