First holiday without exH and it’s such a revelation

[13RidgmontRoad]

I’m in Europe in the middle of a heatwave with preschool twins and a preteen, which I know doesn’t sound promising. But honestly it’s been wonderful.

We houseswapped with a friend, so it’s a two week break for the price of a (cheap) flight. We’re eating all the ice creams and easy meals we want, which they love. Every evening I spend five minutes looking for another water park, paddling pool, museum or similar, book it, job done. There’s no needing to pander to ex’s shit ideas or have to explain to an apparently experienced parent why a 1h30 commute across the city to a slightly nicer pool isn’t worth it.

There’s less crying at home, because my ex has a way of misreading or winding the kids up that I just don’t. I’m not Mary Poppins but they go off, play, bit of tv, generally listen. It’s been fine.

When we were together ex had (possibly inadvertently) a bit of a monopoly on planning, travel etc, with the effect that I didn’t have confidence in doing it myself. Actually, shock horror, a functioning adult with a smartphone can manage just fine. And the transport here is amazing and air conditioned.

There is no quibbling over cooking (I always did all of it anyway), or how long it takes to sort the kitchen in the evening (ten minutes, I’ve no idea why my ex made such a production over it, daily, for a decade). I don’t have to listen to him using every other country as an opportunity to complain about how much he dislikes the UK.

We’re at a pool this morning that has a 45cm of water bit for the younger two and a deeper bit for the older one. On the way here we stopped at a supermarket and they each chose whatever they wanted as a snack (€3 of jelly beans, it turned out). I bought an iced coffee. We’ll be here for an hour or two, then home on a short bus ride, sandwich lunch, rest in the hottest part of the day, then out to a playground later. I have genuinely never been happier.

I've got a teenager and once he's flown the nest I'll never travel with DP again. So many men do the 'slightly irritated walking ahead' thing, I see it all the time. Get to fuck mate, who made you the supreme leader?

Different process but the holiday I took with ds the year it was just us will always be one of my happiest memories. It’s one of the very few holidays I haven’t wanted to come home from.

Sounds great OP. I like Vienna (spent some time there as a student), enjoy the rest of your holiday!

I am married but just had the first holiday abroad only with DS (7). It has been everything you and other described when their left their DP at home. My DS liked it so much that he was in tears the evening before travel home (he wanted to stay for longer) I am planning to do it every summer as long as my DS will enjoy the holiday just with me (we visited a few of my friends and relatives during the holiday).

I found it really freeing on a recent holiday to try and negotiate what worked with the kids and what he wanted to do. So much more relaxed when it’s just me and it made me realise how little he did to prepare for trips

I can totally imagine it’s nicer OP. I’m married but husband makes absolutely wverhhjng stressful. I’ve done 2 UK breaks this summer with 3 children aged 5 and under by myself and it’s been A DREAM!!! So much easier without the calmness disrupter

Sounds wonderful !

my H used to take “tactical shits” too - always when something needed doing and somehow mysteriously finished around the same time I finished the task. After I called him out on it he used to start saying “is it OK if I go for a poo?”

Seriously WTF. You are literally asking permission to shit. Then he’d get all hurt - “well you said you don’t like it when i just go without checking it’s convenient “ 🤦🏼‍♀️

We’ve been separated since Feb and life feels calmer now. I took 2 autistic kids abroad alone and it was a delight not having him there stressing them both out!

Sounds lovely. Kids really do like the simple stuff.
My holiday revelation was that there doesn't have to be hours of stress panic and shouting getting ready to set off on holiday. It really is possible to pack quite calmly, get the house tidy, get the kids ready and go. No need at all for any yelling that we were never going to be ready on time. I used to set off a frazzled wreck, not anymore.

Sounds blissful!

We see one account after another of men ruining holidays. What's wrong with them? Would they prefer to be on holiday with their friends instead of their wives and children? I just don't get it. They make everyone unhappy including themselves.

Yep they do a lot of these things very well for families in many European countries - I couldn’t get over when we popped to Dusseldorf the amount of pools to choose from - both indoors and lovely summer lidos - and when we lived in Copenhagen - as you say it was playgrounds a go go plus a lovely white sand beach with bars and pizza restaurant or extremely nice Asian fusion -3 minutes walk away . sadly we lived there at the point I didn’t need playgrounds - I honestly think you can have a great time in summer in particular in many of these citys with a bit of planning - certainly I know from when we lived in Copenhagen you could and I’ve been to Vienna too - another city with a really fantastic old school permanent funfair!!

I once went and booked 5 days in Majorca by myself when my H wasn’t able to go - most relaxing time I’ve had in years - no commenting about other holidaymakers or others driving or wanting to know why I don’t want to go in the sea or moaning about airport parking etc - and I’m doing it without kids!!

Love this for you, the same way I love it for me that I no longer have to

• wait around for ages to leave because ex was always the last to be ready
• race from one poorly considered activity to the next
• seethe with resentment because I’m the only adult managing the kids
• soothe the kids because ex had no sense of their needs or tolerances on holiday
• flinch at the bank statement afterwards as ex used the credit card like it was a lottery win

I've travelled the world alone with my two DC and it has been bloody lovely. I'll never forget the stress and misery of our holidays with ex during their early years.

Thanks everyone. We’re at a public pool again this morning, again with the snacks they chose - I said they could have anything they wanted as long as they all agreed and we ended up with (very sensible!) orange juice, grapes and crisps. The eldest has requested a big soft play park for tomorrow, and then we might do the zoo on a cooler day.

And I’m onto my second novel while I sit and watch them. I’m occasionally dunking myself in the water too.

It’s just been such a joy.

Congratulations OP! It's such a lovely feeling isn't it? And thank you for reminding me. .I'm 2 years down the line and the calm on holidays, outings etc is so normal now that I'd almost forgotten what a treat it actually was the first few times. I'm feeling a bit hard done to just now as ex never takes the kids, but you've reminded me of how much easier it is without him in a lot of ways, thank you!

My first solo holiday with the DC (then 10 and 7) was one of my favourites, purely because I expected it to be really stressful and hard work but it was quite the opposite!

XH would only ever go on holiday somewhere hot. He rejected anywhere north of the Dordogne.

We went camping and did loads of activities that it would normally be too hot to do in the kind of temperatures XH thinks make a holiday.

The DC are now older teens and we're off to a Scandinavian country in a couple of weeks' time. Really looking forward to it!

Oh my gosh, yes! I honestly used to think that there must just be something about packing, tidying the house, sorting out the kids, packing the car etc that was inherently stressful. My ex was always fuming about something, refusing to help, stressed and angry. His "job" which he gave himself, was to pack everything in the car, and apparently it was such an exhausting, cognitively taxing task, it absolved him from doing anything else, and involved putting everything in, taking it all out again, then rearranging everything. All done in a massive mood.

Since I have just been going alone with the dc, it's honestly been a revelation. Getting ready for the holiday, packing the car - it's all easy and lighthearted and can even be fun! I just don't understand why my ex felt all that stress about it and was determined for everyone else to feel it too!

@Rainbowmint Right?? My ex was exactly the same about packing the car - he used to treat it like preparing for a space shuttle launch.
He also used to do the "slightly irritated walking ahead" mentioned by a PP - used to annoy me so much.
Suspect a lot men prefer being at work to being on holiday with their DC.