Hi, I would really appreciate some outside input. I think I know what the answer to my question is but second opinions would help.
By way of background, I split up with my ex 11 years ago. He is very bad-tempered & was bullying to me in our relationship. I find it frightening still to stand up to him. We have 2 male children, 16 & 20. He has a younger son aged 5 and has split up with that boy's mother. (He's 50.) He has that little boy every other weekend. He has argued with his parents & sister & so has no immediate family support.
About 3-4 weeks ago he developed heart problems & was sent to hospital where he stayed on a cardiac ward for over a week. It turns out he has upper & lower heart problems. He's now been released, with lots of medications & a heart monitor. I understand that after a couple of months of meds he will need further procedures, possibly a pacemaker. He was told on discharge that so long as his symptoms do not return he is ok to drive. (He showed my older son written evidence of this, a discharge form.)
I tried to be supportive when this happened as understandably he was very upset. Unfortunately though I said something that made him very angry with me - this was that he should tell his youngest son's mother. This was because he has this boy every other weekend - and I would want to know if my 5 year old was with someone with a heart issue. (They are not alone at these weekends - my 16 year old is there, and sometimes my 20 year old too.)
Also he's meant to be taking all 3 kids to Spain end of August & i told him that if I were the 5 year old's mother I would want to make an informed decision about that.
This made him absolutely furious. I have not had any contact with him since & don't intend to. He refused to tell the youngest boy's mother what had happened & made it very clear in a subsequent message to me that if I told her, there would be devastating financial consequences, both for me & for my oldest son who is at uni & relies on both of us financially (but mainly on his dad as he is much richer than I am). I have no doubt he means this. He would be incandescent with rage if I told her.
Because I have not seen him since I don't know how he is progressing. My older son says he's still taking lots of meds, obviously, & using the heart rate monitor, but he is calmer now, driving, cooking & even going on dates! (He does online dating.) So hopefully things are improving BUT I still feel really uncomfortable that the 5 year old's mother does not know.
So my question: should I tell her before the planned trip to Spain? Or would this be invasive and interfering?
Relevant considerations are:
-that I do not know the current medical position (I don't want to exaggerate it);
-that doing so will breach my ex's privacy (we are all entitled to medical privacy except in some fairly extreme circumstances);
-that the stress and rage caused to him might actually make his heart problem WORSE (he's been told he must avoid stress); and
-that doing so would result in some very unpleasant consequences not just for me but also for my older son who has a disability & relies on him financially for support as a student (2nd year only just about to start).
If I do tell her, he will immediately realise it was me who did so. There is no one else who could.
i feel frightened of this, I must admit, & really wish there was someone else to do it. But there is not.