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Original poster

AIBU about my partner still attending raves/using drugs?

30 replies

SnowdropsEtc · 03/08/2026 21:27

So my DP and I have been together for almost a year.
In most other aspects this relationship is the best, most healthy, reciprocal, caring and communicative relationship I've ever had. He really is a genuine and lovely person, holds down a good job and has a lovely and strongly bonded family. Consistently he is kind, shows up for our relationship, and has intentions for the future together.

Lately it is getting into spring (we are over in New Zealand at the moment) and the locals throw "bush doofs" (think warehouse raves, but in the forest)... And he has been attending them.
This one he went to over the weekend, he admits he was quite drunk and also took illegal substances (he spoke of MDMA, but there could have been more...there were plenty of others around).

I was out hiking in the mountains and have been quite thrown and very off-put by hearing this.

I've been bothered from the start by the fact that he drinks (a leftover from an alcohol father's imprint on my life) and have been making peace with it... Because well, most people drink!

Problem is, he is the first to admit that he feels it's a problem. He explains it that he feels he doesn't have control over how much he drinks once he starts...one drink and he will continue to drink. He has tried to become sober several times and only ever managed almost a month.

He has also had far more and regular involvement with parties and recreational drugs in the past, but seemed to have been leaving them behind.
I'm just concerned for the future, because I don't want to date a party animal. Been there done that. It was shit and I felt like I was mumming a toddler when he was off his face.
Don't want to go there again!

Like I said, in all other ways, he is wonderful. My friends all think so too and hope we stay together.
It's rather confusing and I don't know whether I'm being rational or unfair.

TLDR: DP attended rave on the weekend with recreational substance abuse. This is triggering for me and brought up a lot of doubts.
AIBU?

OP posts:
ToKittyornottoKitty · 03/08/2026 21:29

How old are you both? Do you want kids in your future?

ForPinkDuck · 03/08/2026 21:30

If its deal breaker for you then fair enough.

Tangelablue · 03/08/2026 21:35

You are not compatible. I don't think this will work.

PiggieWig · 03/08/2026 21:36

It does aoind like a potential compatibility issue. At the very least it warrants an honest conversation where you are both honest with each other and yourselves about where the relationship is going and what you want the future to look like.

Original poster
SnowdropsEtc · 03/08/2026 21:37

ToKittyornottoKitty · 03/08/2026 21:29

How old are you both? Do you want kids in your future?

I am 25 and he is 29. We both would like to have children a couple of years down the line.

OP posts:
ToKittyornottoKitty · 03/08/2026 21:39

SnowdropsEtc · 03/08/2026 21:37

I am 25 and he is 29. We both would like to have children a couple of years down the line.

Show quote history

Then he’s not the one for you, throw him back. Being ‘nice’ doesn’t mean he’s the right person for you, it just means he’s nice. I know loads of funny friendly men that aren’t compatible with me in a relationship. Plus having kids with a drug user that can’t control his alcohol intake is a terrible life plan

Original poster
SnowdropsEtc · 03/08/2026 21:42

I should clarify, in New Zealand, a beer or two after work is considered quite normal...this is his reasoning.
And Friday/Saturdays are usually pub nights for Kiwi men.

He is a big man and I've never EVER seen him actually drunk...he seems to handle it very well and will stop after several beers. It's just the regularity that bothers me and the 'lack of control' that he admits. Rather than the volume or excess.

OP posts:
Minasama · 03/08/2026 21:48

For me drugtaking was always a hard no.

That said, does he do this at home?

As you say, it’s not reasonable to expect someone not to drink (albeit this is apparently common with Gen Z?). But not being able to stop sounds like a bit of a red flag?

That said, if you’ve never seen him drunk, and he isn’t sick, it’s not really a problem is it? My husband loves - and I mean loves- a drink. He also used to smoke which he gave up when our eldest was born. In the past he smoked weed and took some drugs but that was before I met him.

If you are in your 20s and time is on your side you can afford to be picky. In your 30s if he’s a good man it might be a better idea to consider whether or not this is a problem if you don’t make it one. It might depend on his reaction to your concern?

whippersnapper55 · 03/08/2026 21:51

I wouldn't be looking at a long term relationship/having children with someone who can't control their drinking and uses recreational drugs like MDMA. It's not for me! Only you can decide whether you're up for that, or not. Just go into it with your eyes wide open. He's almost 30, he's unlikely to change. In a few years time you could be stuck at home looking after your children while he's off out at raves or down the pub.

RoseField1 · 03/08/2026 21:53

You don't want to date a party animal and he's a party animal. It's pretty simple no?

Missj25 · 03/08/2026 22:28

SnowdropsEtc · 03/08/2026 21:27

So my DP and I have been together for almost a year.
In most other aspects this relationship is the best, most healthy, reciprocal, caring and communicative relationship I've ever had. He really is a genuine and lovely person, holds down a good job and has a lovely and strongly bonded family. Consistently he is kind, shows up for our relationship, and has intentions for the future together.

Lately it is getting into spring (we are over in New Zealand at the moment) and the locals throw "bush doofs" (think warehouse raves, but in the forest)... And he has been attending them.
This one he went to over the weekend, he admits he was quite drunk and also took illegal substances (he spoke of MDMA, but there could have been more...there were plenty of others around).

I was out hiking in the mountains and have been quite thrown and very off-put by hearing this.

I've been bothered from the start by the fact that he drinks (a leftover from an alcohol father's imprint on my life) and have been making peace with it... Because well, most people drink!

Problem is, he is the first to admit that he feels it's a problem. He explains it that he feels he doesn't have control over how much he drinks once he starts...one drink and he will continue to drink. He has tried to become sober several times and only ever managed almost a month.

He has also had far more and regular involvement with parties and recreational drugs in the past, but seemed to have been leaving them behind.
I'm just concerned for the future, because I don't want to date a party animal. Been there done that. It was shit and I felt like I was mumming a toddler when he was off his face.
Don't want to go there again!

Like I said, in all other ways, he is wonderful. My friends all think so too and hope we stay together.
It's rather confusing and I don't know whether I'm being rational or unfair.

TLDR: DP attended rave on the weekend with recreational substance abuse. This is triggering for me and brought up a lot of doubts.
AIBU?

If this was something he did once or twice a year , as in party hard , I genuinely wouldn’t care, blowing off some steam , but if this is the craic every weekend, well def wouldn’t be for me .
Having a few drinks at the weekend is obviously different.
You don’t want to settle down with Peter Pan .

FaceIt · 03/08/2026 22:31

It’s very worrying that he can’t stop, and then having drugs on top.

I’m a lot older than you, and knowing what I know now about addiction, I wouldn’t pursue it with him.

You could be Miss World, but you will never beat the power of addiction, it will always come first above you and everything else.

Skibididoo · 04/08/2026 07:23

Daughters of alcoholics often end up dating alcoholics, it’s a known phenomenon. I would steer clear. He’s basically told you he is an alcoholic.

TallSturdyGirls · 04/08/2026 07:29

I still dabble in drugs as do many of my friends and we are in our 40s as do about 20% of 40 year olds so he might not "grow out of it". If you don't like it then I would recommend leaving him. You're just not compatible.

Badbadbunny · 04/08/2026 07:32

I'd never be with anyone who had a drink problem nor who takes drugs. Either would be a deal breaker for me, but both is a definite "throw him back". Just far too great a risk of long term problems, both healthwise and relationship wise.

HollyIvie · 04/08/2026 07:41

He probably won’t want to give up the party lifestyle. He may say he’ll give it up but would be tempted back. You are young, may be a dealbreaker.

BrassOlive · 04/08/2026 07:55

The MDMA might actually be contributing to his loving, communicative relationship style - there are various research projects exploring the safety and efficacy of MDMA-assisted couples therapy.

That said, recreational/ illegal use obviously carries different risks and I certainly wouldn't be considering kids with someone still in that kind of partying phase.

ginasevern · 04/08/2026 08:04

Several beers doesn't sound excessive. He can't be getting "off his face" on that. Is it a totally accepted part of Kiwi culture for blokes (or women) to go to these bush doofs? You're both still quite young. It could be that you just aren't compatible. But the drug taking is a different ball game in my book.

EverytimeItPours · 04/08/2026 08:04

I’m confused. You say he admits having no control over how much he drinks once he starts. But later you said you’ve never seen him drunk and he stops after a few beers

elQuintoConyo · 04/08/2026 09:42

Nope. You're 25. Throw this one back in.

Minasama · 04/08/2026 11:32

whippersnapper55 · 03/08/2026 21:51

I wouldn't be looking at a long term relationship/having children with someone who can't control their drinking and uses recreational drugs like MDMA. It's not for me! Only you can decide whether you're up for that, or not. Just go into it with your eyes wide open. He's almost 30, he's unlikely to change. In a few years time you could be stuck at home looking after your children while he's off out at raves or down the pub.

He can control his drinking though - she says he stops after a few?

Crushed23 · 04/08/2026 11:41

Tangelablue · 03/08/2026 21:35

You are not compatible. I don't think this will work.

100% this.

orangehandles · 04/08/2026 11:45

SnowdropsEtc · 03/08/2026 21:42

I should clarify, in New Zealand, a beer or two after work is considered quite normal...this is his reasoning.
And Friday/Saturdays are usually pub nights for Kiwi men.

He is a big man and I've never EVER seen him actually drunk...he seems to handle it very well and will stop after several beers. It's just the regularity that bothers me and the 'lack of control' that he admits. Rather than the volume or excess.

Edited

A friend of ours used to say this sort of thing. It's normal, it's only a couple of beers, everyone does it, don't they? He would say those things to justify his drinking - to himself as much as to anyone else. He was utterly blind to the fact that other people didn't need to drink every single day, but he did.

Yes he was an alcoholic and yes, he did die of complications arising from it.

Retro12 · 04/08/2026 11:48

SnowdropsEtc · 03/08/2026 21:42

I should clarify, in New Zealand, a beer or two after work is considered quite normal...this is his reasoning.
And Friday/Saturdays are usually pub nights for Kiwi men.

He is a big man and I've never EVER seen him actually drunk...he seems to handle it very well and will stop after several beers. It's just the regularity that bothers me and the 'lack of control' that he admits. Rather than the volume or excess.

Edited

I don't think you are compatible and you will only get more resentful.

OMGDidYouSayThat · 04/08/2026 12:02

I think the important point here is that men rarely grow up, we are by default always less mature than our female counterparts, unfortunately it sounds like he likes different things to you, if you where both partying, drinking and taking drugs it wouldn't be a problem, not for you anyway, but as you seem to enjoy the calmer side of life you're always going to struggle to accept that his vices are slightly edgy, they do say opposites attract which is likely why you get on so well together, is that a recipe for a strong future relationship with children in the mix...not sure but i doubt it.