Cannot deal with the chaos anymore

[masmas]

Been with DP 8 years. We both have 1 DD each but none together. We have for a number of reasons had to move house a number of times in last few years but have settled into our current home and been here for 2 years. During that time my child maintenance payments from DD father have gone right down unexpectedly (whole different story) so I’ve had to absorb that loss meaning I have some debt. However DP and I have always gone half each on bills, mortgage etc and kept everything else separate so this loss in my incomings doesn’t really affect him. At the same time his costs have gone up and it’s got to the point where for the next 2 years until I can pay off my debt and he can get his costs down we will have to live very carefully. However in my opinion it’s doable. Until this point he has spent a lot more money than I have on holidays with friends, clothes, eating out, takeaways. He’s not really had a written budget so when we worked it all out for him the other day he was shocked to see what was left to spend on stuff like that compared to what he has been spending. He is now saying we may need to sell the house and downsize which I think is a terrible idea. He will not take any responsibility for the fact his has been massively overspending and blames my ex for the money issues even though I don’t see how as this affects me and my budget only.
My DD will he devastated if we move and I don’t want to do that to her especially going into her GCSE years. I just don’t know if I can live with the constant threat of DP not managing to stick to his budget and wanting to move all the time

YANBU. You both have different priorities. He's being selfish and prioritising his non-essential/fun spending, rather than than adequate living space/stability for the rest of the household. It would be different if he wanted to downsizing to clear debts more quickly/giving you buffer for other bill increases. What is he proposing downsizing from/to?

Can you afford a 2 bed if you split?

He’s an idiot if he thinks moving house will save money considering the legal fees etc. and definitely do not disrupt your teen right now. Tell him there is no conversation on this until after GCSES and then you might consider just getting your own place.

The thing is he has enough in savings to clear any debts but is very adamant he is to keep hold of this as his safety net. I on the other hand have no savings. If we were to sell and go our separate ways I’d get enough equity to clear debts and have maybe £20k left over. He wants to go from a 3 bed semi which he claims to love down to a 2 bed terrace

He needs to clear his debts - which will have interest accruing - and then reset his savings plan. Is he daft? Money sitting in savings which would make him debt free? He wants his debts to keep earning interest and increasing daily? What rainy day is he waiting for? It's here and it's pouring!

I just feel so much anxiety with this hanging over me as I really thought we’d settle here. But as an example in the last 12 months he has been on 4 holidays (1 with me) and can’t see that it’s not normal to then go to saying the house may need to be sold. I would have so much resentment.

thats exactly what I said - what sort of emergency are you waiting for? But he is preferring the sell house option causing yet more chaos and I don’t have another house move in me tbh

You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. Is he used to you just going along with whatever he wants to do?
Tell him no you won’t be moving he will
have to sort this debts out some other way just like you would have to if you ran up debts. These debts are not yours so why exactly is he expecting you to pay for them? Because that’s what you’d be doing. If he’s adamant to live them you need to be prepared to go it alone. If not then you just have to live with the chaos you have chosen to live with

To be honest yes I think that’s a lot to do with it, I do have a tendency to not stand my ground and go along with things so this is the first time I’m standing my ground so to speak. But it’s causing me a lot of anxiety doing so. Not sure because it’s just that I’m not used to doing it

My debts are the bigger ones but I’ve never once asked for help with paying them off, instead I’ve made cutbacks, side huddled and have a 2 year workable plan in place. But his solution is to immediately downsize without even attempting those things first

@masmas just say NO op.
If he really wants to sell he will have to take you to court.
I think you are very different people. If he forces the sale of the house it would be over for me. At least drag it out untill
after exams and go your separate ways

Your dd is "going into her gcse years" so she's finishing y9 now? I'd move now, and separately from the partner, so she'll be settled well before the actual exams. If you postpone the crisis then it'll come back during her actual gcse year - it sounds like your relationship is reaching its expiry date.

If you do downsize is he going to give you half the equity or will he use it all on HIS debts only? I bet he's not considered that at all.

I would start planning and saving up an escape fund OP, he doesn't sound a keeper if he prefers four holidays over a roof for his DD.

you approach finances differently. Maybe both or one of you boosting your income further is needed

So instead of looking at his budget and reigning himself in his answer is to sell the only asset you have. That's a big red flag Op, he'd rather go on spoiling himself than face financial reality

How does he intend to house his own DD in a 2 bed?
The fact that he is foolish enough to retain debt when he could pay it off with savings would make me want to split.

I would just get out now
Men like this never change and this entitled foolish behaviour around money is part of Narcisstic tendancies/ entitlement

Red flag already that you cant speak up
Split, get a small property of your own
He will never change

I will put it bluntly.

He is not your husband.
He is not your child’s father.
He is a boyfriend with a spending habit and poor finances.

Why does he get to decide?

Eight years is far too short a relationship to destroy your finances over.

Prioritise yourself and your DD.

sorry for the radio silence and thank you all so much for your replies, you all make really good points which completely make sense.
ive spent today going through our spending with a fine tooth comb and it’s eye opening. I’m not saying I don’t have areas of improvement myself but for example - £790 on takeaways for himself in the last 6 months is excessive in my opinion. Would you guys say so? My spending on takeaways in the same 6 months was £245

And I tell you what, thanks to your guys advice I’ve had absolutely no problems in telling him today that the house will not be sold, especially after seeing the spending in black and white!

Well done @masmas , he needs to face his financial reality, not trash your future

Is he an idiot? Clear debt before saving, ALWAYS.