Waiting until the children are grown before leaving my marriage

[sadkoala78]

I have realised I need to leave my marriage. Maybe not immediately but some day I will have to leave.
my DCs are 12 and 9. I don’t want to have them half the time or going away at weekends. They won’t understand it now but at 18 they are likely to see what I am battling.
so I think I need to wait until my youngest turns 18. I can play the long game..
I am battling someone who deep down has mental illness and grief. That is made them extremely selfish and quite controlling.

I just don’t want to be controlled anymore.
I am 48 and in another 10 years i will be 58 but that will be the time for me. I could still have 20-25 years for me.

Leave OP. Your children will be aware already.

Why wait?

It’s up to you. I think it’s a tricky thing to decide as it’s not as simple as leave. There are finances and practical things but also, you will still have to communicate with him as co parents. Can you have some sort of set up where you have separate bedrooms and are essentially separated in the same house for a trial period. There are various Instagram accounts about being married but emotionally distancing yourself

Many reasons... money, having the kids all the time v 50/50, lifestyle changes, disruption for the kids etc...

I was not happy in my marriage but planned to hold on till kids were 18, but she decided to end things anyway. There has been a negative impact on the kids

Do not do this ie stay because it benefits no one, especially your children. Be brave and make the break sooner rather than later. Staying in such a marriage makes a mockery of marriage, Please do not sacrifice their happiness as well as your own on your controlling and thus abusive man. He is not worth it.

Do you really think that such a man would want to be bothered with his children post divorce?. He would probably farm them off to his parents to look after because they will interfere with his work and social
life. He could use them as punishment to get back at you. Some abusive men go on about 50/50 to avoid paying maintenance.

There is no good reason to stay with your abuser.
Another ten years will destroy both you and them from the inside out and it will leave your kids with a warped idea of how relationships are supposed to be conducted. That is no legacy to leave them as a mother. If you were to tell them you stayed with their abusive dad because of them they would call you daft for doing so.

Many people suffer mental illness and grief and these life changing events do not turn them all into controlling abusers. That’s just an excuse he’s used to beat you over the head with. He does not treat his work colleagues like he does you or in turn the kids , no he’s all sweetness and light to them.

Get support from the likes too of Women’s Aid and a local form of solicitors. Start the ball
rolling and free yourselves . Do not self shackle yourself by playing some long game of staying because it won’t work out well for you or they.

While you stay, you are modelling this relationship as normal to your kids. Would you be happy if they recreate this dynamic in their own future relationships?

And if he's selfish and controlling, there's no way that doesn't affect them and the home environment as well.

I'm not sure your kids will thank you for staying and making them live in this environment 24/7 .

Your kids will feel guilty in adulthood if they sense you hung around purely for them. Especially the younger one. It’s so obvious that’s what happened when couples break up at that point.

Hmmm well it’s not the worst idea ever, since it is definitely worrying when you have to hand your kids over to someone EOW (or worse, 50:50) who you know is not great at parenting

My friend’s parents stayed together because of the three children. My friend definitely knew, from a young age. By age 16 she used to regularly say, “ I am so sick of them bickering like children. I know they are only together because of us. When dad leaves, my sisters and I have agreed that I’ll go and live with him and they’ll stay with my mum. So we are just waiting for them to catch up.”

The kids ALWAYS know.

My friend has stayed single by choice her whole adult life.

There is a negative impact on the kids when parents stay together who are not getting on. We all want a happy marriage, but when that best option isn't working, the kids are already affected. The parental marriage is a role model for them - shows them what to accept, what to expect. Do you want your kids to put up with what you're putting up with? That's what you teach them by staying. Set a deadline, insist on couples counselling, try to make it better - that takes commitment from both parties. Don't just put up with it because you're scared of disruption.
My sister and I really wish our mother hadn't stayed with our dad for our sakes. It meant we grew up walking on eggshells, seeing her being controlled. It meant my standards were on the floor when it came to what to look for in a relationship. In my own marriage, I went on to stay for the kids too - depressive alcoholic in my case, miserable experience for both of us. He was self-absorbed and selfish and emotionally disengaged. No matter what he did, leaving didn't seem a real option for me, because of the kids. Fortunately, he eventually left me. There were no wars or arguments in front of the kids. It turned out that seeing no relationship was better for them than seeing a bad one with unhappy parents. There was a negative impact on one child from having learned how to repress your feelings and keep everything quiet no matter how miserable you were. That was a negative impact of having stayed together too long. Now, I'm so relieved to see my older children having healthy relationships.

There is an option that is rarely talked about and seems to be unpopular but I honestly think it is your best bet.

Work on yourself. Question yourself. Then work on every single part.of your behaviour that you know an outsider would say was unhealthy. If you argue back, stop arguing back - mirror his words and make an effort to make him feel heard. If you don't understand him - read up on male psychology and also him questions with the intention of understanding him better. If you lose your patience with him - learn to pause, to breathe and to self soothe. If you tend to give in and over fucntion- learn to say no, do less and lokk after your own needs for space and relaxation and fun. Make strong friendships outside the relationship . Learn mindfulness techniques. Get a good therapist. Check evary time you want to give a negative response - stop - look up a better response. Learn and apply Time Outs very strictly the moment either of you is overwhelmed. Learn to say :I feel sad" or "I feel overwhelmed " in a calm way.

Maybe you already do some of these. If so ramp up the consistency until these are your default style and you do them no matter how activated or upset you feel.

All these behaviours can be done without anyone one else's cooperation. Your children will see you modelling healthy behaviours and your husband's reactivity will lower. You can still leave in 10 years time. You will leave knowing you lived the best way you could have instead of being resigned to it

This will ultimately be something you can be proud of and your kids can be proud of.

Relationships take skills that are not intuitive and are often not taught explicitly to children. Maybe this has been the case for you. I have done everything I wrote down here and feel immensely better for it.

Your reasons for staying sound quite selfish. It's all about how you would feel not having your kids 100% of the time. Sometimes separating brings out a happier and healthier side of both parents as you are probably currently bring each other down. That if anything would be hugely beneficial for your kids. Don't make them live in a home where there is animosity and tension. Even if you did go for 50-50 it's better for them to live in a nice and happy environment half of the time rather than never.

Better for children to see their mum happy whenever they are with you, than see her suffering and unhappy all of the time 🤷‍♀️
Do not underestimate the damage done to children who witness arguing all the time, or tension, or silent treatment.
Also bare in mind you are showing your children this is what a relationship should be

This was me. I was determined to wait until my youngest was old enough. However, I realized that it was not good for my children nor me. You only get one life.

this was four years ago. My ex has accepted my decision, and we coparent nicely together although he has still not moved out of the family home yet (our family finances are very tight due to him running up some debt but we have almost paid them off). However, the kids have accepted much more easily than I anticipated and having every other weekend off is actually really great! I get to love my own life without feeling guilt! I have a wonderful new DP (we’ve been together for two years) and we have a wonderful balance of time with our children and then time together.

I am so much happier than I thought that I could ever be… and the DC are too.

plus, it is much easier to start rebuilding your life now than it will be in ten years time.

you are your children’s role model. It won’t be easy, but show them how to live a full and happy life, not to make themselves smaller for the sake of keeping the peace and some misconception that it is in the DC’s best interests. It really isn’t

SO MANY people do this. I know friends, wasting their lives away by waiting for the kids to finish nursery...then to switch schools...then to have their GCSEs done. It is the single most silly thing to do.
It is a fake stability people are trying to give to kids this way. If anyone thinks the kids are not aware, consciously or sub-consciously that their parents don't want to be together any more, those people are delusional. I tried explaining this to my friend as well years ago. Who now has a 20-year-old daughter who grew up with the concept of "mom not being happy with dad" being normalised. She now carries that with her, into her own relationships, potential future marriage, etc.

Just like how it's better to be on your own rather than with the wrong person, it is also true for kids that it's better to have divorced and (more) happy parents than parents under the same roof who otherwise would not want to be together.

I tried to stay for the kids to finish secondary school. However I started having very poor health and had to have a lot of investigative tests. My body just couldn’t take the stress anymore. We have separated and while I am insanely busy with starting a new career, having to do all the parenting and home maintenance etc I feel like a different person.

Also while the children’s father may be entitled to 50:50 he may not want it ir be able to manage it.

Lots of people do this.
I've seen posts on this very forum "why do men leave when they get to about 50?"
They stay for the kids.
I've had male friends tell me they are going to leave their wives in 10 years when the kids are grown, and I've known some who have done it.
Depends whether you can live like that for all that time.

It's so selfish to stay "until the kids are grown". I don't know why some parents seem to think disrupting a 9-year-old's primary education is beyond the pale, but disrupting an 18-year-old's life as they're leaving home and starting university is fine and dandy. Not to mention that 18-year-old's decade of having a loveless and hostile relationship, and miserable home environment, modelled to them.

The 9-year-old might cry for a week but in the long term they will benefit from two parents who are much happier apart and can co-parent amicably (and it's more likely that you can co-parent amicably if you haven't had a decade to built up seething resentment of each other). In the meantime they don't actually have any important life milestones that can be messed up.

The 18-year-old is at a much more vulnerable stage of life, even if they're technically an adult who can understand what's going on. They absolutely need a sense of stability at home when their own life is the most turbulent and new than it's ever been. They do not need the emotional distraction of their parents divorcing when they're trying to juggle studies, new friendships, young adulthood. Because they understand, they'll also feel guilt that they were the reason their miserable parents stayed together for so long. And as young adults away from home, they'll have easy access to much more unhealthy coping mechanisms - drink and drugs - than a 9-year-old will.

I've said this on other threads like this, but everyone I know whose parents divorced when they were small children is a well-adjusted adult. Everyone I know whose parents "waited til the kids have grown" was thrown completely off kilter by it: coke addiction at university, dropping out of university (separate people), still in therapy a decade afterwards. The happiest outcome is someone who left her home country to start again, including going NC with both parents.

If you have your reasons for staying with a husband you hate then no one can stop you, but please don't pretend you're doing it for your children.