AIBU not to want to be involved in my mother’s complicated relationships?

[ProfessorofDarkArts]

She’s been married several times and has leaned on me quite heavily for support during the inevitable ups and downs even when I was quite young.

She doesn’t get on with her current husband’s family to the point that he no longer speaks to them but he’s getting older, isn’t in great health and I think he’s now starting to regret this.

She wants me to advise her what they should do and I don’t want to be dragged into it particularly as I’ve got other things going on in my life. But she has a way of making me feel guilty if I don’t appear supportive 🙄 She’s not an easy person so I can see both sides but I really don’t want to be involved and I don’t think it’s fair to expect it.

She sounds like a child.

Don't give her advise as she'll only blame you.

Just tell her you'll be there whatever she decides.

Say, gosh, sounds tricky mum, you have a lot to think about and to sort out. Fancy a cuppa, shall we have a custard cream too ?

I'd say it's not for you to advise and not even for her - it's up to her DH as it's his family. He can do what he wants and it's nothing to do with you. No need to feel guilty whatever she says. You know it's a her problem. Don't get drawn in. YANBU.

For clarity: "I don't know mum. It's up to him." on repeat.

Hmm, tricky one, you'll work it out I'm sure.

If there are likely to be ramifications of not getting involved with this for you, what would they be?

Suggest a professional counsellor?

Guilt tripping, alluding to how she’s been there for me (but rarely in the way I actually need), a reminder that none of this is her fault and she’s the victim (I disagree), how she’s just looking out for her DH (maybe don’t cut him off from his family then and try listening to what he wants).

I think it’s a very sad situation but she refuses to even attempt to see things from anyone else’s perspective and I just don’t want to be a part of it.

She made things very difficult around the time my dad was dying, I don’t think she liked the attention being on someone else. I couldn’t deal with it so I did suggest counselling, she had about 6 sessions and things she’s all sorted now. Trouble is I’m sure the counsellor validated her feelings and didn’t even question her part in everything that’s happened.

It's supposed to be the mum helping her kid out with relationship issues, not the other way round. I'm so sorry you've been through this. Gently remind your mum that you're her daughter, not a best friend of a teenager. Could you help her arrange to see a therapist, so she can get some help-no this shouldn't be your job either, but it might be a first step towards her treating you more appropriately.

Hm, the key here is that your mum is extremely self absorbed and manipulative isn't it?

Im afraid the real answer is that mentally you have to take a step back. You're more adult here than she is ...actually there's a good book called something like "adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" that might be quite helpful here. Another is (don't be put off by the name) Toxic Parents .... both give hints on how to handle difficult people.

Yes I’m afraid she is and yes I do but even if she hadn’t fallen out with everyone else she still wants it to be me, she says I’m the only one she can talk to which is pressure in itself 😩🙄

This is where the stepping back comes in. Really, thise two books can hear a huge amount.

People who act like your mum on the whole are unable to see how much they soak up of others' energy and they can't usually put themselves second. Those books really help in figuring out some tactics yo make the situation bearable