Kind advice please 🥰

[Caz1154]

Please don’t reply with ‘leave him’ - I’m looking for opinions from others living in this situation and no abuse either please.

Im 55, married with a grown up son and a younger son of 16. I have many medical issues but mainly arthritis in my spine and I’m on hrt.

About a year ago, my husband took himself off to the spare room as I was struggling to sleep and it was keeping him awake. He has never come back to our room despite me asking him to. He is 57, and in this last year has turned in a grumpy old man. Giving out under his breath all the time - we all seem to drive him mad. I asked him to go to his GP as I feel he is depressed and also asked him to come with me to counselling- which we did. At both the sessions with the GP and the counselling, he said that my ill health drove him away from me and he never knows what ‘me’ he will come to. Due to my spine issues, my life revolves around the house, as I cannot walk far, but I am currently getting treatment from a consultant and I’m trying everything to get myself better. I have lots of friends and we are in daily contact thankfully. I also WFH full time.

I totally resent my husband. I feel so hurt by his blaming me for his/our issues. If he had to put up with the health issues I do, he would realise that I am struggling. So I’m living everyday like this, we have stopped doing anything together, haven’t had sex in a year (he’s in the other room), he suffers with erectal issues and I feel I put up with a very dull sex life for years as I loved him. I have told him that I want to separate (he doesn’t) but I cannot afford to move out, neither of us can. We have a beautiful home and I have spent a lot of time and energy making it so, and we love the home. I suggested we stay here - living separately but together- for 10 years until I retire and our youngest son is independent. Husband agreed to this.

But in reality it’s much more difficult than I had anticipated. He is very lazy and is constantly falling asleep on the couch, I need to constantly remind him to do things he has said he would etc. We have explained the situation to our sons, so they are aware. We are both in counselling separately. I have no interest in rekindling any kind of relationship with him.

Anyone out there living like this that could give me advice on how to make the most of this difficult situation and to stop caring what he does etc. I’m hoping that soon my back health will improve and I will be able to get out more. I also feel I’m too young to never have sex or intimacy again.

It's hard to advise when you say you don't actually want to change the things that will make a difference.

You are staying together when you should really separate. All the reasons you are separated but in the same house are the reasons why life is difficult.

However lovely your home is, it's turning into a prison where you are stuck with someone you don't want to be with.

If you do want some kind of sex or intimacy in your life it's going to be a lot harder to find when you are still living together.

That sounds difficult - I am sorry 💐

You can’t change him, but you can make decisions that are most favorable for you. How much do you value being in this house vs the peace of mind that will come with a proper separation? I would get some proper advice if you can. Citizens advice may be able to help you with setting out what you might be entitled to if he or you move out. You may be able to claim PIP - it can be claimed by people in work.

Your marriage has run its course. I don't think it's reasonable to ask your husband to be cheerful if you've told him that you want to separate. In your situation I'd be pushing him to agree to a divorce and dividing your assets. You both need to move forward and wanting to stay in your home, no matter how lovely, makes no sense if it forces you to live together, surely?

I have to say I agree with PPS on this OP.
For being the partner who is living with a chronic illness which is not easy, you seem to be the one who has the most to live for and who indeed has more life in her than your DH has in himself.
For whatever reason he's a dead weight and if you have no desire to rekindle a relationship with him, you should definitely make a new life for yourself, apart from him who should be helping, and if he wanted to could find a way to live harmoniously and well with you, despite anything. It is possible, he just doesn't want to.
You are putting up with a lot having a chronic illness that is very painful. You have supportive friends, and work, and I'm sure you would be happier away from this man who is dragging you down.

The problem with sharing the home is that he's perfectly entitled to sleep on the sofa if he wants.

I would look at creating separate living spaces if possible, like converting a bedroom into a second sitting room.

Otherwise I think you need to bite the bullet and sell up. You say this is for 10 years, but that's a long time to share with someone lazy etc. And surely you'd be in a better position financially to set up a new home of your own while working?

Also, in terms of finding sex/affection/romance - decent men are likely to be put off by the living arrangements even if they believe you are separated.

Yes, I would touch a man who lives with the ex with a ten ft pole regardless of the reasons.

I honestly couldn’t care less if I never had another man ever again to he honest, but I added that comment in as I was trying to express how odd this situation is that I find myself in at 55!

Only you can determine whether you and your children can find peace in this situation. Often, we're too close to see the bigger picture, and, understandably, you're all afraid of change. However, embracing it might free you all and lead to a much happier life. I can't imagine how difficult it must be to live with pain and feel guilty at the same time.

You sound like the perfect candidate to strike out on your own. 55 is way too young to be putting up with this man.As I said he is dragging you down and in 10 years time you won't recognise yourself, and you will have lost 10 good years of your life.

Why 10 years ? Youngest my be independent in next 3. You need to physically seperate in the house if any chance of working. No laundry or washing for him.
only meals with son

It’s pretty clear what you need to do, but you’ve already said you won’t do it.

Your resentment and blame of each other isn't going to grow less living cheek by jowl but without any of those good things like sex and physical affection that bond couples and help them overlook each other's annoying habits.

No-one is promised tomorrow, so I think putting life on hold for 10 years for the sake of a nice house is a bit misguided.

Do you really want to be setting up a new home at 65?

Will you be able to get a new mortgage when you're retired? It might make more sense to divorce and sort the assets as soon as possible.

The relationship is over, so disengage entirely, don't do anything for him. You can't move on emotionally, date, or enjoy peace while living together.

Why don't you want to leave him? Life's too short to spend with a miserable bastard.

Do not stay with him for the supposed sake of your son. Whose sake would you be staying for anyway because it’s not his, more likely your own because you think it’s somehow easier. Don’t waste the next decade on your husband. Living together separately but together is just kicking the can down the road and does not serve anyone’s interest. What about your son in all
this, surely it’s down to both of you to teach him better lessons about relationships than this poor suggestion to remain under the same roof whilst apart. That arrangement is never going to last ten years.

I am a similar age to you, chronic health issues and which keep me close to home.
For someone with so much going on you are doing so well working full time, creating a lovely home and keeping up your friendships.
Here’s the thing.
You want to negotiate around a situation to stay in said home and improve your health. But the problem is that the stress of doing so will help to keep you poorly. Your body will be flooded with cortisol, which slows down healing and leads to a number of long term issues.
If you stay for ten years, with the best will in the world, and this man gets worse, your health will simply not recover. Your body is shoved into a very comfortable and nicely decorated prison.
I know you don’t want to leave, but sadly if you want some peace and recovery in your life, it’s the only option.

Op this is so sad as you have resigned yourself to this situation for another 10 years, op it won't or can't work you'll both end up resenting each other, focusing on ,' who's triggering who next' honestly that no way for you or son to live,

You both no now how your feeling and set out this plan, so weres the boundaries, respect and responsibilities in this plan, your son is part of this plan with no consulting or input,

Your home is just a house op, yes you have spent years getting it to a lovely home, but its just a shell now housing two adults you don't like each other, you can make another home which would be happy and peaceful, for you and son, everything else in that house can be replaced, but your MH and self-esteem can not be replaced op, 10 years is a long plan, when resentment sets in h will do less just because he can,

Please re- look at this plan and run it by your son and give him a voice,

One of you needs to buy the other person out or you sell the house and split the proceeds. Right now you can get a mortgage to boost your ability to buy another place but in ten years you will be screwed as no bank will touch you.

He is entitled to sleep where he wants, not clean or tidy, rip up floors, knock down walls or shit in the bathtub if he wants. It's up to you whether you can accept that behaviour or not. Personally I would start the process of selling up.