Emotionally abusive partner and affair, unsure whether to leave relationship

[Catty28]

please don't judge me.
I have been with my partner for over 16 years and people have warned him about me but I have never seen the signs until now. he has been emotionally abusing me for years.
we have two children together and I have been having an affair with a family friend for a year who is in love with me, I love him but I am scared to leave my current partner incase me and affair partner never work out.
what would you do in my situation.

Leave anyway. Being single is a very valid option and far more peaceful than an abusive relationship.

Divide the situation into two separate parts.

Deal with leaving the abusive partner first, because you really need to do that anyway, irrespective of whether things work out with your new partner or not.

Can you not be on your own? Seriously? If you’re being emotionally abused then this is very damaging for your children. Surely you’d want to get out of there for their sake, not because you think you’re in love with your affair partner but not sure if it’s work out?

What do the finances look like, are you married?

@ForPinkDuck no we have been engaged for 15 years but he doesn't want to get married. I have no money to my name, my wages from work go into the joint account

You’ve got to be brave. Staying just because you’re afraid of being alone is not a good reason.

@Factcheckingwhilstbored you obviously haven't been in my situation. I have no income of my own. and it's the children I am thinking of, he is a brilliant dad to them.

I would leave the abusive partner for both your sake and the children's sake. Then spend some time being single before getting involved with someone else. Even if you keep the affair partner going in the background, don't be in a rush to move in together. Your children at the very least will need time to come to terms with one big change, before another happens.

He’s not a brilliant dad if the children are witnessing emotional abuse. That is very serious. They will be being harmed.

Why are such men often described as good/brilliant dads?. Denial is a powerful force. Your relationship bar is well and truly sub floor level and both your abuser and affair partner have taken full advantage of you.

He is not a good dad to them, let alone a so called brilliant one, if he abuses you as their mother. He’s an abusive father to them too. Abuse does creep up on many like you unawares as it is insidious in its onset. It is no respecter of persons and cuts across all creeds.

What do you want to teach your kids about relationships and what are they learning here?. Do not continue to show them this is still acceptable to you because the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. Your relationship to your partner(and I assume you met him when you were late teens/early20s) is over well and truly. You are not done rehab centre either for such a badly raised man.

What is the situation re the property?. Are you named on a mortgage or tenancy agreement?.

You will need to plan your exit from him carefully. Use the services of Women’s Aid to get away.
Get your salary now paid into an account in your sole name. By depriving you of funds he is financially abusing you and preventing your escape.

Be brave here and make the break after careful planning. Tell people the truth about your relationship because abuse thrives on secrecy.

Make yourself as well as your children front and centre in your life rather than your abuser or affair partner. Love your own self for a change.

Yes! Totally agree with you. I was in this situation a few years ago. I left. I’m on my own now, I raised my children through difficult teenage years without being on the receiving end of abusive behaviour. It was a journey but the prize at the end was peace of mind and a happy home. What a gift to give your children ❤️

Every time I read on here 'he's a brilliant dad' my heart sinks. OP, a brilliant dad isn't abusive to the mother of his children! Don't think your children aren't aware - they will be and moreso as they get older. They may even start to follow his example and become abusive towards you themselves. Just stop and think what they are learning growing up in an abusive household.

If your wages are paid into a joint account, that's an easy fix, you just need to inform your employer of a change of bank account.

Regardless of whether it works out with the affair partner or not, you need to leave. You know this. Do it now before the affair is discovered and things become even more toxic.

at some stage you need to start making better decisions because your affair isn’t one.

So how would this work then? You’d leave your H and shack up with the OM? How is that in the best interests of your children. There’s nothing stopping you from ending your marriage and waiting until the dust settles.

Sorry you are in this situation.

If your husband is abusing you you need to leave. Consider contacting a charity like Women's Aid who can help and advise. Are there any real life family or friends you can also seek support and advice from?

Also what is your affair partner's situation - can they offer you and your children a home in the first instance, and would they? I am not suggesting this is ideal - it's far from ideal for the kids and not perhaps ideal for you either - but preferable to being homeless, or indeed living with an abuser.

Also set up a bank account of your own and arrange for your wages to be paid into that ASAP.

In your position, I would have no choice but to leave, because I don't believe that a relationship where there has been abuse can or should be "saved" and because a pattern of abuse can turn deadly without warning. Your partner may go on and get help for whatever is causing his behaviour, and I hope he does for the children's sake and for his own, but that is not your responsibility and you cannot influence him to do it. To the extent that he is a good dad, he will still be a good dad even if he is no longer married to you or living with you - probably a mush better dad as he'll no longer have the direct ability to abuse his children's other parent!

I agree with the suggestion to contact Women's Aid, if you are in the UK - they will help you understand what your options are and help you with the practical steps. You can also seek help and support from family and friends, if available. Separating out finances is a necessary part of splitting up - and of course you could have your employer change your direct deposit options to an account in your name only, but be cautious if you think this will make your partner react violently.