How do I set boundaries with a draining and self-centred mother?

[YourSassyLemonLion]

when do we stop allowing family to walk all over you?! Anyone else id tell them where to go but why can’t I seem to see its okay to do that even if its a blood relation? Ie mother. I barely see my dad because he’s practically useless to say the least. He has 12 grandkids between me & my sisters and he wouldn’t be able to pick them out of a crowd or remembers their name without prompting. However, I can’t seem to do it with my mum and it’s getting exhausting.

we had an awful relationship when I was a teen, got better when I moved out but over the last 5/6 years it’s getting worse.
i messaged her this week saying I couldn’t make it over to see her as two of my children had stomach bugs and I didn’t wanna pass it around, explained her grand daughter was so ill with it that she fainted afew times, her reply’s was a thumbs up! A thumbs up! 👍🏻 🤦‍♀️

no two days passed and because she’s down with it, she messaged me ”how’s kids? I’m really ill I think I’ve caught something and I feel so poorly”

now obviously wants a full conversation about her being ill but yet she couldn’t even ask how her grandkids were until she had something to say that brought the attention back to her. And this is the constant thing we have. She doesn’t ask about the kids, I send pictures of the starting new groups. She doesn’t ask how they’re liking it etc but when she’s had to have a blood test or had nausea for afew hours or my dads done something to piss her off. it needs to be a full 2/3 hour conversation. Usually on the phone.

it’s draining and I’m so tired of her giving little or no effort for her to crave my attention whenever she’s inconvenienced. How do I finally get to the point of telling her enough is enough or am I wrong? And should just swallow frustrations?

Drop the rope. Stop sending updates about the children and then being disappointed when she doesn't respond as you hope. Accept that this is who she is. Keep phone calls to short catch ups and cut her off with a 'ooh got to go mum, someone at the door' if she starts going on about her various ailments. Tell yourself before you see her that you'll give her 10 minutes to have a moan and then chip in and change the subject. Keep visits and calls to a limit so you can tolerate it in small doses!

She is never going to change and be the mother and grandmother you would like her to be. Only give her the time and energy she gives you.

Some people, even relations can be self-centred, you could try laying it on the line, ask her why she only wants to talk about herself and why she’s never interested in what’s going on with the kids, see what she says, sometimes the direct approach is needed.

Its a bad idea to swallow frustration, when we do this it leads to resentment. We should openly and honestly but respectfully share our views and work on change.

It’s hard when it’s family as you want something that you haven’t had, an ear to listen to you, an interest in your life or your kids life, support, cuddles etc and when you compare it to others you don’t want to address it as it becomes real and hurtful. But ultimately what we expect from parents is often just that.. and expectation and not a reality. The realisation for you seems to be dawning that they’re never going to give you what you need or deserve. Or your kids. And that’s so hard. So it’s time to put your boundaries in and accept that this won’t change. As sad as that seems. Minimum interactions, don’t tel about your kids unless asked as you’ll be disappointed, say you don’t have time to listen to this at the moment etc. hard but will save you frustration and heartache xx

drop the rope. match her energy. send her a thumbs up in reply to her message.

Her selfishness and coldness must be heartbreaking, OP.

This interview with Dr Linda Gibson may help you untangle yourself: