After 4 years of being widowed, I’m going to tell my MiL that I have a B/F

[MrsM2025]

Just that really - longish story short - it’ll be 4 years soon (DH was 49), I went on dating apps last summer and started seeing someone- it’s been 9 months now.
Why am I telling her?
We’ve had a good relationship- despite her living abroad - I wouldn’t want her finding out by accident. My DD nearly let it slip last time we went over. My (young) granddaughter may say something aswell so I feel that’s not fair.
My parents have met him - dad is fine / mum has ignored him to his face. She hasn’t said anything directly to me but indirectly says it’s too soon (!)
My B/F is not putting any pressure on me to say anything.
I was going to tell the in laws when I visited them recently but it was DH’s birthday and they were quite emotional so it didn’t feel appropriate.
Also the widows they know (in the family) have not dated / remarried etc - maybe generational or cultural reasons.
Why am I posting?
To see if anyone has gone through similar?

If you think there's a chance they may not react positively to the news, tell them over the phone rather than in person when you're visiting them.

Crikey I know someone who was remarried within 3 years and everyone is so happy for both of them, in-laws too!

I get why it's tricky though. Can you wait to see her in person?

I've been on the other end of it.

Stepdad called to let me know he was seeing someone else about a year after my Mum died.

Both me and my brother were happy for him, he's a good bloke and deserves to be happy. My DP was less so, she thought it was too soon, and weirdly, so did my brothers wife. Me and my brother shut that right down before they went and said something stupid.

You never know what people are going to think about it @MrsM2025 , or how they'll react. But at the end of the day it's nothing to do with them. You're telling them out of courtesy, you're not asking permission. It's your life, not theirs, and any negative reaction they have is down to their own feelings, not the fact that you're doing anything wrong.

My husband died when I was 48, he was 50. (2012) I started dating in 2018 and met someone. My relationship with my mil wasn't good anyway as I'd had very little support from her during my husband's illness although my children kept in touch so I think she knew but not certain.

Funnily enough it was my mother who was strange about things too. She came to visit when I'd been with him 4 months and laid into me as I wasn't wearing my wedding ring at this point. Said it was terrible.

Fortunately my dad and brother liked him.

After a year or so she seemed to mellow. I did wonder if she liked the sympathy vote from her friends when she said "my daughter's a widow"
By 2022 when we married she was fully supportive. She died that year too so I was glad peace had been made.

I think it's very difficult being the child of a deceased person and it all needs handling carefully. My kids had left home but I didn't handle everything brilliantly as I was very needy of my partner and didn't really read the room when my 25 yo daughter just wanted me.

I wish you every happiness OP. Love second time around is special and you never forget your late husband but you remember differently.

Sorry for your loss. No experience here as belong to a family/culture where widows don’t often remarry

Its right to tell your MiL, and likely it will stir up a lot of sadness for her

But you are young & have a lot of life to live

What about a card/letter - expressing how much you loved your DH but don’t want to be alone your whole life - and you are letting her know out of respect & want your close relationship to continue?

This would allow her space to react to difficult emotions in her own time …

As @LoSlo3toGo suggests. Writing a heartfelt letter would be a nice thing to do

I'm having a big birthday next month. I used my Christmas card book for contact details. I've invited three widowers and a widow. Husband thinks it's odd. I can't understand that to be honest. Live your best life is my advice.

Eh?

When my son died I told my DIL then that at some point she must move on with her life and I would be happy for her when she did. It was a few years before she met someone but I am so glad she’s not lonely. I would hope your MIL would feel the same but even if she doesn’t, I’d suggest sending her a text or a card explaining and then just hope she accepts it.

My MIL has been nothing but totally supportive (she understands, having been through it herself)

Peoples reactions can generally be odd though.

I have tended to refer to my part-time and live-apart chap as my “travelling companion”

I do remember, (with shame), despite being widowed myself, being privately very judgemental of a widower who went on to make a happy life for himself with another lady in our community. I think other it’s other people who struggle with their feelings about it.

A very close friend told me she “wouldn’t tell her husband about my companion - because her husband would be very upset” - rather than feeling happy that I was getting out there and living my life…

I don't see why you shouldn't tell her-while I haven't been in that situation, I would hope I'd feel happy for my D/SIL. It's not like you're cheating! And if I had grandchildren, I'd hope I'd feel happy for them that they didn't have to worry about their mum, and that she was in a good relationship-this would give them more freedom to be independent without having to feel guilty about mum being alone.
I think your mum sounds quite rude (unless she has a good reason to dislike your new partner), but if there are cultural reasons why widows don't normally remarry in your culture, then that would explain it.
I hope would want to reassure my hypothetical DIL that want her to be happy, and hope to keep a relationship with her in the future.

@MrsM2025 this falls into the circles of grief. As the person widowed you are at the centre as the one whose life has been most physically impacted day to day by the loss of your husband, therefore the grieving process is extremely intense and moves along at a regular pace. For anyone who did not live with the person who died, their grief is less consistent because they will have the immediate experience of loss and grief but their day to day lives are less impacted and so they will experience grief at points they see you, when the loss of the other person being most noticeable, or at specific times due to anniversaries/birthdays/significant events or locations (such as at your home). The circle widens as you get to friends/colleagues/acquaintances as their prompts to remember the person who died are even less and so their grieving is more sporadic. This is why 1 or 2 years into being widowed is perfectly normal for many to feel ready to start a new relationship but for a person outside of the home to think it’s all far too soon as they are not as far along their journey of grief.

Ultimately you need to tell your MIL but be prepared that she may not be ready to accept this situation. That’s ok but her grief shouldn’t impact you living your life.

I was widowed when i was 42, my children were young - primary & early secondary. I have never had a specific conversation, its none of their business to be frank. I just started to mention his name in front of them & never hid anything. Then one time they came around the house & I wasn't there my partner asked them if they would like a brew & to wait for me.
It is your life & if both you & your child/ren are happy then hopefully they will want you to be happy as well.
Having a new relationship doesn't change how you felt about their child & they should want the best for you

I can understand it will be a daunting conversation to have but it's much better coming from you than someone else

My cousin died when he was in his 30s with a wife and young family. His wife moved on after about 2 or 3 years and was so worried about our reaction. Everyone was pleased for her. We were worried if she would ever move on from such a tragedy at such a young age because she loved him so much as he did her.

Her and her partner are welcome to our homes. His children have even come to a BBQ.

What does this even mean? That your husband thinks people whose partners have died should be permanently excluded from parties? Or from any social occasion with friends? Why? Is he offended that they’re not all staying home dressed in black and wailing? Or just feels they should be automatically struck off as friends once they’re single? There’s definitely an odd attitude here but it’s not yours.

I didn't tell my MIL as she had dementia and was dying when I met now-DP about a year after late-DH died.
DP did drive me over to see her in hospital though, and stayed in the car while I went in.
I told SIL about a few months after MIL died, at which point I'd been seeing DP about 4 or 5 months. I was very nervous about telling her and she was just lovely about it.

Hope it goes well for you.

I think you’re absolutely fine. I know a few widows who got together with new partner within 1-2 years. They might feel a pang, but I’m sure they will want you to be happy and your DH wouldn’t have wanted you alone. Well done for getting out there!

My mil wasn’t at all impressed I met someone less then a year later - I wasn’t even looking and happened naturally

it’s very hard. Everyone’s lives carry on. They go home with their loved ones and have company etc

it’s carrying on with your life - not moving on and forgetting them

What are you talking about??

OP is trying to work out how best to break it to her MIL that she now has a new partner. Nothing at all to do with big birthdays and Christmas card lists.

OP, you are right to tell her, although you can't fully predict her reaction. Surely she will expect you to move on with your life at some point, and it certainly doesn't make her DS any less important to you. He was a major part of your life, and given that you have children he still is in many ways.

Thank you for all the comments / sharing of stories
So I told her - I waited until we were alone and said it quick - she hugged me and said I was a young woman (well am 54!)
Nothing else was said into the evening as we were with the DC / GDC
When it was then just the 2 of us she didn’t say anything until we were going to bed and then she asked if my ‘friend’ was local to me
I am relieved that I’ve told her as I wouldn’t have wanted her to find out ‘by accident’

The social treatment of widows and widowers
all over the world
is wildly disparate

Men have always been expected to remarry
women are often expected never to remarry

under old style pension laws, widows lost their pension if they remarried
so the social and financial stigma was strong

Nobody will ever fully replace your first husband, especially if he was the father of your kids
but being happy with somebody new
makes the kids lives better and makes family occasions work better for all in the long run

@MrsM2025: that’s a good update, very happy for you

Lovely update.

I know someone who had moved someone in within a year after her DH died at 40. I’m not going to lie, people did say behind her back “isn’t this a bit soon” (including me) but none of us would’ve said so to her face or tried to make her feel bad about it.

Four years is much longer and perfectly reasonable. As others have suggested, a letter or card would give you the chance to say what you have to say clearly and concisely without her getting emotional on you and potentially causing a fall out.