Help plz!!

[Silvercow]

Friends I really need your help to know if this is normal or not?
So, a few months ago I caught my bf looking at pics and vids of porn. To then realise it’s a secret Twitter account. I then snooped and saw he has lots of other secret accounts too. Eg Twitter, Instagram, fet life.
When snooping I saw that he just follows cute looking girls or porn stars, and likes the vid and pics etc or girls with their bits out or looking innocently cute.
Is this normal?
When we are lying in bed too on TikTok, he gets lots of girls pop up as suggested lives with their cleavage hanging out. He just smirks.
He’s said some hurtful things about my appearance in the past but hasn’t since I told him it was wrong.
Idk if this is normal? Deeper problems like porn addiction cos sometimes his search history says like ‘teen porn pics’ ‘blonde big boob porn pics’.
I do know the usernames of these accounts now and I sometimes snoop and see that the following sometimes increases daily. I just don’t know with it.

there’s lots more too it aswell if anyone would love a gossip

Hmm, i don’t know how you can think that it’s even remotely normal, it’s degrading, to make comments aimed at your appearance is also vile behaviour, i would strongly consider whether you want a life with someone who ogles other women in secret and then says hurtful things to you off the back of it. It’s not ok! He is a future cheat for sure.

Oh just dump him, he’s vile.

If anyone would love a gossip?! WTF.

What exactly do you want from this thread OP?

If you aren’t ok with it that’s ok. If you feel like it’s a red flag, then don’t ignore it.

If a man is making you feel worse about yourself, whether that be indirectly or directly, it’s ok to admit that.

All you need to do is decide whether those feelings, that are ok to have, make you want to leave. Personally, if I wasn’t ok with his porn habits, or if he was making me feel like I wasn’t enough, I would walk.

Nobody can make the decision but you, but honestly you need to think about what you have tying you to this man. It’s much easier to leave before marriage, kids, a mortgage, and there is no shame on giving up on a relationship that doesn’t work for you.

Just remember it is ok to feel unhappy in the relationship and to walk away, nobody on here can tell you what to do, only you know whether this relationship is right, and your feelings are the most important thing…listen to your gut!

Looking at porn wouldn't bother me as long as the sex life was there.

Not knowing every account wouldn't bother me if in general his behaviour was okay.

Consistently looking at / following girls on instagram/tiktok etc I'd find really cringey and really unattractive. That'd be enough for me to seriously reconsider.

But actively using a fetlife account secretively would be a hard, hard stop.

He sounds like a waster to be honest.

A gossip? I'm questioning what you want from this post OP. You must realise his behaviour is not OK especially as he compares you negatively to these other women.

It’s a turn of phrase. OP just means if people want to know more.

It’s not normal OP no. I mean I think men looking at porn is unfortunately normal but not to this extent it isn’t. Also the teen thing is massive red flag along with criticism of you. Get red op you deserve better than that.

You know why the biggest red flag you said there was?

He smirks.
You didn’t say he smiles awkwardly. You didn’t say he grins. You said he smirks. He’s a smirker.

Whilst he knows you can see what he is watching too.

Add on to that - He says hurtful things about your appearance.

Does he smirk when he says hurtful things? Does he smirk when you are hurt, upset, scared, worried? If so, he is a dangerous person. Normal people do not smirk at other people’s distress.

Porn aside, you should feel SAFE with a partner. This guy doesn’t seem that way. And, you seem to be getting caught up in a distressing cycle worrying about what he is watching. Maybe he does have a porn obsession. Maybe there’s something…worse, going on and your gut is indicating it to you. But really, the real issue is I think you know this person isn’t a safe person.

Who would want a gossip about this? Are you actually one of these women and are hoping for more followers?

I don’t know what you hope to get from your post as you don’t say. But if he was my partner (heaven forbid) he would be out and I’d dump him. Find your self respect.

What a creep. Does he have much else going for him?

In the bin with him.

Well, you choose what you put up with op. I’d be dumping this man for his misogyny and disrespect. Ugh, he’s a sleaze, why would you or any woman put up with this.

Sorry I don’t mean it as a ‘gossip’ I mean there’s so much more to share so if someone felt open to chatting with me about all of it then I’m open too. As my mind is very unsettled and this is my first ever relationship. I don’t know what to actually expect in all honesty. I’m sorry for mentioning that word and using it in the wrong context. If someone had been through similar experiences I’d love to chat good and bad about all of it.

Annoyingly he does! But not where it concerns me I guess. The more I sit and think about it

You sound young and he sounds like an arsehole. Get rid.

Not remotely normal. I'd be running for the hills.

Hello

Well, if this is your first relationship then I think you two are facing things that us older women didn't have to face - and that is, the intrusion of the internet into your relationship.

Either one of you can look at photos of fitter better looking people online all day long, as it is always there and so much of your lives are about online things.

He has normalised this and probably isn't going yo want to change that - he likes big boobed women and he likes looking at them online. He hasn't been taught that this is damaging.

I wonder if he is going to learn it through his interactions with a real live woman - you!

But someone else said it earlier - your relationship should be a safe space for you and if he is too immature to have learned that looking at / ogling other women and then saying 'Yeah her boobs are bigger than yours so you aren't as good as her' isn't going to make you feel nice, then he needs to learn that.

Until he does learn that, it isn't a very healthy relationship.

How would he like to see your content?

Just one thing tho - don't stalk his content too much, as it is his rabbit hole and you don't want to get lost down there...

I'm thinking, you can do better really. Better quality man. But if most young men of that age are doing this, because it has been normalised, then welcome to the dilemma we face - do we want a man if they are like this, or are we more confident and happier on our own?

I think that is my worry? And the thing I need confirmation over? Is it just a regular guy thing aged like 26 nowadays? Idk?
sorry for all the questions marks, just a good way for me to respond. I’m not really bothered about porn, never have been, I think I’d even be ok with secret accounts just sort of liking porn.porn is fine, if used sensibly and doesn’t affect sec life.but I feel like I can tell when he’s watched,cos he seems so awks when I walk in after work, and it’s confirmed by me looking at these secret accounts he has and his followers going up? It’s like it obvious. But actually following these type of girks makes me 1: CRINGE AF , 2: feel sorry for him cos he has had a terrible k life and 3: just fuels me with anger. So much decide I’d live to do, but I cba cos I think in my head ‘it’s not what he’s been viewing or watching’ so what’s the point. Thank you all for you advice , you’ve helped me confirm in my head what I thought. It’s a shame csnhh t were so much golf going for us as a couple, but I fear deep down this is what sabotages us.
Just all feels such a shame come now live together.

Sorry, I explained my self a few hours ago