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Original poster

Husband's uncle discussing his marriage is triggering my own past regret

12 replies

Oleol · 31/07/2026 10:06

Firstly, I know that mumsnet absolutely hates anything to do with indefidelity. So please bear with me. Please.

I'm not going to give a full back story, as I have wrote here about it alot ( struggle from bad anxiety) I guess hence at the time the constant need to find some sort of support.. Im in my early 30s, husband aswell. We have kids, build a life for ourselves and I love him and what we have. Been together since 14. I don't even know how to say this but I did mention here that I had a fling at 19, i got married at 29.. something that I chose to not tell about and was also adviced here to just keep to myself.. Till this day, it's something I regret with eveything in me. It fills me with dread and anxiety..

My DH's Aunt and Uncle have been having problems in their marriage for a long time now, it's been 10 years I think now. But in the past I didn't know, I only realized now or rather my MIL told me about it in the past 3/ 4 years ago.. The aunt is married to MIL's brother.. And have always been close with them, in face when I was younger I thought shes related to MIL and not the husband) that's how close they are. So, MIL told me that the aunt had an affair in her marriage( I don't know how old was she then) but I know she already had her first child, ( they have two kids) she also started dating husband at 14, however she had a baby at 15. So I guess she had the affair in her 30s maybe cause in her 40s now... Husband tried to move on but never really got over it but he still loves her, you can see when it and I didn't know they had problems cause they always tocsther when they come visit here at MIL..

Fast foward.. Things were fine but now it seems like she is going through a midlife crisis and is all over the place, she told MIL that her in actuall fact the husband has never really forgiven her, he doesn't really ill treat her but she says she has been deprived of sex for years now after this and told herself they will get there but still he will just cuddle her.. So now, she's got a boyfriend, husband knows. But they still leave together because she can't afford to move out.. I think she is over the marriage at this point.. Husband now wants her back. When he is here, he now tries to make conversation( this has never happened before, I have just seen them as my husband's aunt and uncle and given them respect) he is much older then me too, so I don't want to know their business really... But guess now that I am grown, he feels it's okay to discuss his marriage. He was telling me about what's been happening, that he still loves her but she seems to have moved on, kept on mentioning the past affair of hers. It's just a mess basically..

And it's not the first time he tells me about this. I just realized it triggers me so so much. Maybe cause I have buried something at the bsck of my head with me and totally hate that part or phase of my life. When he comes here and talks to me, I can feel drained for weeks after the conversation..

OP posts:
Nocommentisacomment · 31/07/2026 10:13

I think the only way you can keep this secret is if you don’t care: but you do care. You are carrying guilt and anxiety, and you cannot live your whole life feeling this way.

You will eventually tell him, and the longer you wait, the worse the betrayal will feel. The issue is not only what happened 10 years ago; it is also that you have kept the truth from him for all these years.

Personally, I believe you should come clean. It is a huge risk, and your marriage may be over, but he is still the father of your children and your lives will always be connected. He deserves the chance to know the truth and decide if he can forgive you.

The longer you hide it, the less chance you give him to process it, understand it, and forgive you. He deserves the opportunity to make that choice with the truth.

Original poster
Oleol · 31/07/2026 10:19

I hear you. Im really not trying to justify what I did. I'm not. Like I said is my biggest regret. I'm unemployed, it's difficult to get a job where I am from. What will happen to my babies. They are still babies literally. I don't know what reaction I'm going to get secondly, it might sound like I'm exaggerating but what if I get hurt or killed even. My family lives very far from me, where do I go, who do I reach out to? And a whole lot of other factors

OP posts:
Tel12 · 31/07/2026 10:25

You don't tell him. You learn to live with it, it's basically history and is only damaging if you make it so. No one is perfect, forgive yourself. Live your life.

Helgirl666 · 31/07/2026 10:38

You keep ur mouth shut. If you do that no one gets hurt x confessing ultimately is selfish as you would be doing it to soothe ur own conscious

Littlejellyuk · 31/07/2026 10:47

If this uncle triggers you when he discusses this, then you need to start limiting your interactions with him. 💯
When he calls over at yours, let him and his nephew have 'lads time' or 'family time' and piss off out of their way. EIther leave the kids there with him, or take them with you (whatever is easier for you). 😇
Go for a walk (even better if you have a dog) or go to the shop, nip out to see a pal or family member of your own.
Sod it, even use it as an excuse to go to the gym/library/local park.
If it is at your MILs then you can always leave as you have got to sort dinner, tick off you to do list, wash your hair, etc.

Start limiting your time with this man, now.
Best of luck OP @Oleol

Original poster
Oleol · 31/07/2026 19:09

Thank you all for the comments/advice 🌸

OP posts:
category12 · 31/07/2026 19:36

Stop being uncle's emotional dumping ground.

He needs professional help if he's unable to move on from it 10 years later. He's got to stop throwing it in her face if he wants to stay together. They can't have a healthy relationship living that way. They should go to relationship counselling or individual, ot both.

Not offload on relatives. Especially younger female ones.

Put up a boundary with him and don't let yourself be in situations where he's got opportunity to dump on you.

What's with your family that you start dating seriously so young? It's a bit unrealistic to expect the person you meet at 14 to be the only person you're ever with.

Personally I don't think you should tell. You can see with your uncle how it's turned out. Staying together but still fighting about it a decade later.

Maybe do counselling yourself to try and come to terms with it.

AnotherVice · 31/07/2026 19:42

If you think your husband would physically harm or kill you if he found out, you need to get far, far away from him right now. Then this fling and associated guilt becomes a total non-issue.

Panama2 · 31/07/2026 21:07

You were just a child forgive yourself and how do you know your husband didn't also have a fling. You need to let it go or you will destroy all you have now.

MauriceTheMussel · 31/07/2026 21:17

You need some boundaries with the uncle. It is in no way appropriate for him to be telling you all this drama.

For your part, keep your piehole firmly shut!

Sashya · 31/07/2026 21:49

Your story, and that of your aunt in law - so clearly show why no 14yo should be dating to be married. You are children then, and can't make decisions that bind you for life.
And the poor aunt seems to have been married off to a much older man while still only 14/15, which is terrible.

Please stop punishing yourself. You were a kid, dating way too early with too much expectations from (I am guessing) your family. Your fling at 19 makes no difference to your marriage. 19yos should be dating and having flings...
You married much later - at 29, you were then a grown up. You built a family. Your life in your 20s-30s is the grownup life and is what counts. Focus on that life - and being the good mother and wife. Stop looking for reasons to have drama, guilt and anxiety.

The uncle's family story has nothing to do with you. The uncle - while a grown man, married a 14yo child. She had an affair when she was a grown up - probably the only decision in life she made herself, not under pressure from family/society. She'd get absolutely no judgement from me on that - I am sorry she is trapped in the life she did not chose. The husband then proceeded to punish her for years - staying but withdrawing sex. And now, years later - he "wants her back".... Seriously.

Prycejosh1987 · 31/07/2026 22:15

Oleol · 31/07/2026 10:06

Firstly, I know that mumsnet absolutely hates anything to do with indefidelity. So please bear with me. Please.

I'm not going to give a full back story, as I have wrote here about it alot ( struggle from bad anxiety) I guess hence at the time the constant need to find some sort of support.. Im in my early 30s, husband aswell. We have kids, build a life for ourselves and I love him and what we have. Been together since 14. I don't even know how to say this but I did mention here that I had a fling at 19, i got married at 29.. something that I chose to not tell about and was also adviced here to just keep to myself.. Till this day, it's something I regret with eveything in me. It fills me with dread and anxiety..

My DH's Aunt and Uncle have been having problems in their marriage for a long time now, it's been 10 years I think now. But in the past I didn't know, I only realized now or rather my MIL told me about it in the past 3/ 4 years ago.. The aunt is married to MIL's brother.. And have always been close with them, in face when I was younger I thought shes related to MIL and not the husband) that's how close they are. So, MIL told me that the aunt had an affair in her marriage( I don't know how old was she then) but I know she already had her first child, ( they have two kids) she also started dating husband at 14, however she had a baby at 15. So I guess she had the affair in her 30s maybe cause in her 40s now... Husband tried to move on but never really got over it but he still loves her, you can see when it and I didn't know they had problems cause they always tocsther when they come visit here at MIL..

Fast foward.. Things were fine but now it seems like she is going through a midlife crisis and is all over the place, she told MIL that her in actuall fact the husband has never really forgiven her, he doesn't really ill treat her but she says she has been deprived of sex for years now after this and told herself they will get there but still he will just cuddle her.. So now, she's got a boyfriend, husband knows. But they still leave together because she can't afford to move out.. I think she is over the marriage at this point.. Husband now wants her back. When he is here, he now tries to make conversation( this has never happened before, I have just seen them as my husband's aunt and uncle and given them respect) he is much older then me too, so I don't want to know their business really... But guess now that I am grown, he feels it's okay to discuss his marriage. He was telling me about what's been happening, that he still loves her but she seems to have moved on, kept on mentioning the past affair of hers. It's just a mess basically..

And it's not the first time he tells me about this. I just realized it triggers me so so much. Maybe cause I have buried something at the bsck of my head with me and totally hate that part or phase of my life. When he comes here and talks to me, I can feel drained for weeks after the conversation..

You have to be forgetful of yesterday and hold onto tomorrow with aim of the present. Regrets can cause alot of problems when we do not seek closure and seek resolve.

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