Go through with the house move or not?

[gem1n1]

I’m hoping for some advice. Me and my partner have been together since I was 16, we’re now 35 with 2 kids and a mortgage, about to exchange on a new house that needs a medium sized Reno doing and something in the back of my mind is telling me not to do it and to go our separate ways.
There is so much context/back story to this but to summarise, he is very emotionally immature/unavailable and I have got to the point where I know this is something that I need from a partner. All he seems to care about is sex twice a week and then he’s happy. If I say no he gets really annoyed and ignores me for a couple of days basically. Then I feel guilt and feel like I need to do it in order for him to not be so moody around the house/with the children. But I can’t keep doing it. It’s making me miserable. I’ve asked for him to try to be emotionally available and told him this is something I need from my partner, and if he were to be more this way I am more likely to be more intimate with him however he just can not even try! I don’t have the highest of sex drives I must admit but I do feel that if I was getting what I wanted emotionally I would be more inclined to be more intimate.
My main concern if I were to leave is that his family are ‘well off’ and mine have nothing and I know that they will use this to their advantage in terms of custody etc and I have no idea where I would end up! My family don’t own property they have no savings and I only work 3 days a week, it’s not enough to provide for my children alone. I do love him and I want this to work but he shows no effort to trying to change/make our relationship better and I haven’t got much left in me to keep this pretence up.
Kind advice would be much appreciated x

Yes, pull out of the house move asap. Make up a reason. Then get legal advice.

He sounds emotionally and sexually abusive.

Oh dear. It seems like the perfect time to split. You can’t carry on like that. 💐

I'd pull out of the house move as a renovation is going to be a lot of stress and money, and if you end up splitting and it's unfinished, you might struggle to sell it at a decent price.

Residency shouldn't be about money but more about who is primary carer. He might go for 50/50 but that should be worst case scenario?

Can you up your hours? Have you looked at what top-ups you might be entitled to as a sole parent?

And pulling out might be the wake up call he needs to pay attention to what you're saying.

But ... he is coercing you into sex with his behaviour.

I could up my hours but I don’t think it’d be enough to purchase something on my own.
I do call him out on his behaviour and I say it’s a form of abuse to make me feel guilty and treat me badly if I say no to sex. He says he doesn’t do it which makes me feel crazy because he 100% does. He even sent me a reel the other day about ‘husbands usually looks for another woman after 10 years but mine is still obsessed with me’ to sort of tell me that his love language is touch but mine is acts of service and words of affirmation which I do not get from him at all.

Worrying because of assumptions isn't helpful. Your fears might be alleviated once you get in for a legal consultation, so put that on top of your task list.

No, definitely don't make any major change like moving when you're lacking a great deal of confidence that it's the right move.

What are the ages of your children? If school age, can you get a part time job on some of your days off to make your work week full time? In the meantime, see where you can cut unnecessary costs at home so you can pocket that money for legal fees. You don't want to scrimp when it comes hiring who represents you in a divorce, since he can apparently hire the best. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

I do appreciate the replies. I just feel so stuck. He’s all I’ve known for 19 years. I know what I should do but I can’t bring myself to do it for some reason 😩

Touch as a love language means holding hands, snuggling on the sofa, a quick hug as you pass on the landing. NOT sex at one person's insistance, that's coersion and is absolutely abusive behaviour.

Pull out of the sale. Speak to a good solicitor.

If his family are rich they might put him up, in which case you can argue he doesn't need more of the house equity so you could afford to buy a house. He will also need to pay child maintenance.

Don’t exchange. Depending on kids ages, make plans in medium term to seperate and use equity in current house and any CMS

Think about how you'd advise your children once they've grown if they had a partner like yours. Or if you have a close friend or sibling in the same situation and told you they couldn't quite make the leap into divorce. Once imagining that, love yourself, just as you love these people in your life.

It might help you to form a list of tasks you have to complete to achieve that goal. Put them in order of hardest to easiest. Then start with the baby-step easiest first. That'll involve less anxiety and put you more smoothly into forward motion.

In my first marriage, I also had two kids and was with my partner about 5 years longer than you've been with yours. I also went through a lot of stress which affected my health (went on high blood pressure meds). I know how tough it is. But that stressful period was worth going through to be able to eventually build the life I wanted for myself. Keep that shiny goal in mind as your reward for all the effort you have to put in now. Take care.