Would you meet an absent father again after years without contact?

[Tisfortired]

I am 35, my parents split when I was 2, and after my mum remarried when I was 4, I didn’t see my dad again for 10 years. In the first 4 years of my life, he did things like - forgot to pick me up from nursery, ‘forgot’ to come and meet my mum to collect me at Christmas, sold my mums belongings to get football tickets, never gave my mum a penny of maintenance… you get the picture. He’s the kind of man you would call funny and charming - everyone liked him. But as a partner and father, pretty terrible.

When I was 14 I initiated contact with him and from the ages of 14-18 we had regular contact. He’d remarried and had another child. I would go to their house for dinner once a week, went on holidays with them, spent a Christmas with them etc. Pretty normal, and I loved getting to know my new sibling. However as I got older I got fed up being the one always initiating contact, it was always me getting in touch with him. One day I just didn’t send my regular ‘can I come round on Thursday’ message and thought I’ll wait to see if he messages me, and he just never did. I realise now that this was probably quite childish, but I just felt like he should be the one making amends and making an effort and I never got that feeling from him.

I’ve bumped into my dad a couple of times recently just by chance. He has asked if I will go for dinner with him to catch up. He said he thinks about me a lot and wants to start seeing me regularly again like we used to. He said he thought about messaging me but thought I wouldn’t want to hear from him (this is what he said about not seeing me as a child too. He said that as my mum had remarried he thought I was happy with my ‘new dad’ and wouldn’t want to see him anymore.)

He’s missed out on so much. I’ve graduated, got married, had 3 children - he’s missed out on it all. I never admitted it but it’s always broken my heart that I didn’t see my dad. I always wanted more than anything to have a relationship with him. My mum hates him naturally and would be devastated if she thought I was seeing him again. My husband doesn’t think I should either. But I can’t help but think we only have one dad and if we have a chance to repair our relationship we should. Saying that though I don’t even know if I can forgive him for everything. I think I just wish it had been different.

In my position would you meet him or not? My heart and my head are telling me different things.

Thank you if you got this far and sorry for the ramble. I guess I would just like to hear objective opinions and maybe from people who had been in similar situations.

Meet him.
Like you say you only have one dad.
X

You only have one dad. Trouble is he hasn't been much of a dad.

I would think really carefully about what you want to get out of this. And what you will do if it ends up with you doing all the running again.

I think it’s down to you. He is never going to be a good dad nor grandad. Do you want to risk getting your children attached to grandad who may ignore them for years? What do you want from him? An occasional meal and update? A meaningful connection? A grandad for the kids? I personally don’t think he’d be reliable and wouldn’t want to feel let down by him again. My brother is a terrible father to all his grown children. He misses them as they are all no contact, but as soon as they meet up and his curiosity satisfied, he ignores them again for long periods of time!

He’s been a shit dad and will continue to be, even if it feels nice to reconnect. The sadness hole won’t be filled, and you’ll just be reminded why you’re low contact. Your kids will take the lesson that you accept breadcrumbs from people and don’t hold them to account. This is my thinking, I know people say ‘you only get one dad’ well, he only got one of you, and he was content to discard you and not support your mum in raising you. He’s awful.

You could have a few counselling sessions to get out a lot of your feelings and try and formulate what you need going forward in the way of boundaries and expectations. As others have said you need to protect yourself and your children from his erratic communications. How much of these doubts could you actually talk to him about?

I'd meet him, and then give him both barrels on how crap he's been to you.

He'll either run a mile, in which case you'll know he's not changed, or he'll take in on the chin, apologise, and try to work to fix it.

I wouldn't, ive not seen my dad since I.was 7 and now I am mid 50s I don't even know if I would recognise him in the street or if he is even alive, I know i am projecting and your situation is different but shit fathers won't change they probably just want their adult children to."forgive" them. For being shit fathers. If you do meet him I would keep him at arms length and remember who he is, you don't owe him anything.

It’s similar with my dad. For me, he doesn’t deserve to have a dad-daughter relationship because he never put the work in, he’s missed every important thing that’s happened to me and is basically a stranger.

We bumped into each other in a shop when I was in my 30’s and had a polite chat and he gave me his number. I spoke to him a couple of times and it was just fine, but I thought what is the point? I’ve got enough people in my life who genuinely know me. I don’t hate him or even dislike him, he’s just a random crap man.

Thank you for the replies everyone, it’s good to hear different opinions.

@Ethelspagetti its hard to know what I want from him. A dad I suppose, although I know it’s probably a bit late for that now.

@EverybodyLTB all valid points and I agree with them all. I can’t wrap my head around having a child and being content to never see them. I think I’ll also never really stop being sad he never left the child he had with his new wife. Why him and not me? Not that I would want him to be abandoned of course - it’s hard to explain.

@Whatifitallgoesright I don’t feel able or comfortable talking to him about these things at all. And regarding my children, I had them with me today and he was chatting to them and it made me very uncomfortable as I then had to explain to them who he was. If I did start seeing him I would not be in a rush to introduce the children to him at all. This is my husbands biggest concern, that he would be a ‘Disney grandad’ and disappoint them and unfortunately he’s probably right.

Somebody said I was probably looking to fill the sadness and I think that’s hit the nail on the head. I’ve always been sad about the situation. Not angry, just sad. I wanted him to want to see me.

Unless he went to extreme lengths to apologise and make amends, which he never would, I think there would always just be this background sadness that doesn’t go away.

Meet with him if you want to.
Perhaps let him know some reciprcated contact would be nice and to not start a fresh.
Of course your ma will have issues with her ex, your dad thata there shit not yours.
Would you be better to think about imagine my children never meeting him by thr time they are adults or living in the past.

I would make him do all the running and effort. I also think some therapy as suggested by someone else is really good.

Perhaps what you want more is connection with your half sibling and that side of the family?

You don’t owe him anything though so don’t feel obliged.

It's up to you, but he doesn't sound much like a dad to me. My stepdad is my dad. I haven't seen my biological dad in 20 years. Some people seem to place a lot of importance on biology, but to me that's way down the list of what makes someone a parent. Since becoming a mum myself, I just can't understand why anyone would choose to be absent from their own child's life.

I actually believe in forgiveness by the way, very much so. But forgiving someone doesn't have to mean letting him back into your life when he has blown it for 30 odd years.

Your litany of issues with him in the first 4 years are things you’ve been told by your mum. You don’t know these are definitely true as you were too young to remember. The letting you lose touch when you were older was shit of him though. I lost my dad in my late 20s after a similar bumpy relationship and I wish we could get the time back. I’d try and keep in touch if I were you, it doesn’t sound like he’s done anything truly worth going NC over to me, but only you will know how you feel about it all.

Also bear in mind it was a lot easier for one parent to prevent contact/stop the other parent knowing anything about their child in the 90s. He might not have missed your childhood entirely through choice although he was crap at staying in touch later.

In very similar circumstances and at about your age my DH met up again with his absent father.

What he found was that his father was the man he always had been. Selfish, self absorbed and unreliable. He had a hundred excuses for having been a rubbish dad (including the 'I thought you were happy with your new dad so gave you space' one).

He was exactly the same. Talked about himself all the time, gave excuses, made the same mistakes over and over.

DH stayed in touch but at a distance and only ever had low expectations of his father who never failed to let him down repeatedly. No good ever came of it. His dad is dead now and never changed until his dying day. DH openly says that his father was useless and that no good ever came from allowing him back into his life.

I'm sorry you've experienced this too OP. You sound really balanced and sensible and I'm sure you'll make the right decision for you and your children.

I am doing, after not having seen for quite some time.
However, in recent communications, I am very much reminded of why it might not work out.
I am doing it because I don't know how much time he has left and I also do not want any What ifs in my life.
But you certainly do not have to have contact with someone who has made no effort.
I have people I am low contact with, others I am no contact with and others who are no contact with me.
We all have our reasons. What one person deems selfish or uncaring, another will say is self protection.
I don't believe it is ever too late to reconcile because people do not change that much so whatever you did like about them or they liked about you, will still be there.
However, you cannot change adults and people very rarely change or show self awareness or put in the work beyond lip service, which is why many choose not to reconcile, because people do not change.
Hope that makes sense
Good luck 🍀
Also 💐 for the pain. I am not sure, even with therapy and understanding of generational trauma, that we do ever heal as such.
I think we come to terms if not acceptance with complex dynamics and hope not to repeat them. But as my family relationships would show (and I won't disclose as I am both victim and culprit) it is damned hard sometimes beating nature, nurture and adverse childhood experiences.
All the best to you x

I'd meet him.

Only you can know the answer to that OP there's no right or wrong answer. I personally would (I have never met my Dad) and I'd be having strong words and saying it's his last (or in my case only) chance. I would also expect regular contact for at least 6 months to a year before I considered introducing the children.

No I would not bother to meet him because he will
let you down again . He was and is an adult with hence and he could have made far more effort. He’s a deadbeat dad.

I wouldn’t - I’m in a similar situation (not seen mine since 1990, am now in my 50s), he was useless. Now hes old he’s been trying to get back in touch. Probably to make himself feel less like a shitty crap father now he’s in his 80s but I don’t care - I have my own children now and I cannot contemplate moving away (he went abroad when I was very young) and then not bothering to stay in touch with my kid. You reap what you sow - I don’t believe I owe him anything whatsoever.

but! You aren’t me - I’m fairly heartless tbh but if you aren’t, you may feel better being in contact but just be aware that a crap man is always a crap man and could let you down again at any point.

words are cheap op. Look at his actions and lack of them over the years.

He is an adult with agency . He could have chosen to make the effort with you over the years but did not bother. Instead he embarked on his private based war with your mother .

You owe him nothing now, least of all a relationship here.

The key here is actually your children. Your husband is right.

you run the risk of him wanting to see your kids and then what? Is that what you want? Will it hurt you or them? Do you imagine a happy scene?

you def need therapy to support you through that. And to protect your children whichever path you choose

I did - although it was the other way around and I traced him. Was getting married, friends were having babies and talking about health checks etc, and I realised that I couldn’t answer most of the questions. Did I have a family history of diabetes, heart disease? No idea. And then I wondered, what if I had a child that didn’t look like me or my husband, would I always be wondering? I’d had a difficult childhood with my mother and never really knew the truth about them, so also had questions. I was 32 at the time.

We met 3 more times after our initial meeting as he was a quiet, shy man with whom I had very little in common with really - but I do look a bit like him and so does my DS. I invited him to my wedding so that he would know I was happy (I’d burst into his life and regalled him with my awful time with my mum. I felt bad about that) and he visited us in our home to meet both the children. When they were small. We exchanged annual Christmas cards after than, with pictures and update about the children.

When he died, his [step] sister discovered a lounge decked in my kids’ annual pictures and a photo of me and DH from the wedding. He didn’t have much at the end of his life - he was a hippy who had live a nomadic life - but he left everything he had to my children in a trust fund. A gesture to make up for not having been a parent to me, I think. They start their adults lives with £30,000 in a fund and have no idea how lucky they are because there was an old man out there who though he was not a part of our lives, loved them in his own way to look after them in his death.

In my family a supposedly absent Father was actually being blocked from seeing kids by the Mother. Kids were lied to over and over again, Christmas presents binned, cheques from Paternal Granny/Grandad/Uncle cashed but money never given to kids etc. Mother told kids he had moved away when he was still in the same house the kids/Mother were living in before she took off with a new ex prisoner but terribly exciting badboy.

It took over 20 years but kids finally realised their Mother was a narcissist (according to her wider family not me) and they are now no contact with her and building a relationship with their Dad.

There are 2 sides to every story and I would want to hear both.