Should I step back from dating someone going through a divorce?

[Stanley191]

Been dating for 3 months and agreed to be exclusive. Initially things were great and seen each other 2/3 nights a week and very affectionate, loads of chemistry. He was sick a few weeks ago which I felt created some distance as we didn't see each other much for 2 weeks. Have seen him twice last week since and everything seemed fine.
He is going through a divorce and the sale of the house is completing shortly. He found out the moving date yesterday and had a panic of all the things he had to sort by then and arranging storage etc. He was meant to come round in the evening but cancelled due to stress and sorting things. He text in the evening saying he misses me but find that strange when he could have seen me.
I'm trying not to take it personally but can see the effort has dropped off the last few weeks from how things were initially. I really like him but wondering if I am being stupid to keep dating him? I know he is going through a massive life stress so I'm currently just trying to take a step back and let him initiate texting. I am just feeling anxious about the whole thing and wondering if I should end it or pause for now.

I think that if you have to ask the question, you know your answer. It's so hard- He could be a lovely guy but he's going through a really traumatic time, and without being unkind- his relationship with you is, by definition, a rebound. This doesn't mean you're any lesser or that he thinks less of you, but it is a lot to overcome (and I say this as someone who had a rebound relationship whilst I was divorcing, and as someone who was going through a divorce!)
Good luck OP.

His head must be full of the divorce and house move and he may not have space for a relationship at the moment. If you really like him, I'd suggest that you propose not trying to meet up for say four weeks, and plan to meet then for a lovely meal or day out. It would stop you accidentally taking the role of the person who's always asking for contact, and give him space to sort things.

Yes I think he is just feeling overwhelmed I guess which I understand. I think I'm just going to take a step back and leave the plans and texting to him for now and maybe reassess things once the move is over.

This is exactly why a lot of people have a strict 12/18 month rule for dating after a separation.
He simply doesn't have the emotional bandwidth for a real relationship right now, and you shouldn't have to sit on the bench as a secondary priority while he sorts out his divorce.

If it’s only been 3 months and you’ve felt unfulfilled for the last “few weeks” it was only ever good for like 4-6 weeks anyway!

Most new relationships end about this time if they’re going to end because you start to learn if youre suited to one another in terms of communication, expectations around contact, making time for one another etc.

Sounds like your not suited in those areas at the moment and pursuing this further will only mean more dissatisfaction and frustration for you when he carries on failing to meet your expectations

I would end this relationship with him because he is nowhere near ready to embark on another relationship. He needs to be on his own and you should not be used as a rebound.

How long has he been separated and has he been living alone for some time? I think it’s different if he’s e.g. been separated for a couple of years, moved out of the marital home some time ago, and has had the time to process the end of his marriage and begin building an independent life, than if he’s been living with his ex for all this time and still hasn’t fully extricated himself. I wouldn’t get involved with a man or woman in the latter situation, I’d consider the former.

The last time I was in the final stages of selling and moving house, I certainly didn’t have the bandwidth for much social stuff amid all the things which needed to be organised and were playing on my mind. Neither DH who was then just a boyfriend nor any of my friends took this as loss of interest or effort - it’s just part of adult life. You’re best placed to work out whether continuing to date is going to work for you, but a period of illness followed by completion of a house sale forces a level of prioritisation towards what needs to be done rather than what it would be nice to do, and isn’t necessarily indicative of anything else.

This is why I would never date a married man.

Just keep dating him but keep it light and don't get involved with his drama.

It all depends on the person and circumstances. A divorce takes 6 months and some people dont get round to doing it for ages.

For me, was dating the month after separation. I was ready, was not carrying any baggage and the only stresses were 2 months of getting remortgage & financials confirmed. Emotionally fine. But when dating I saw someone who had been separated 3 years and was still not emotionally right

Sounds like you just need to be patient with him, going through a divorce is stressful and he will have lots of mundane crappy things he has to sort out, if you’re planning on spending the rest of your life with him then the odd evening where you don’t get to see him shouldn’t matter, plus you know what they say, absence makes the heart grow fonder. Give him the space he needs to get over the final hurdle then hopefully everything will come together for you both.

Perfect advice. I was once in that position and would have found that to be very helpful.

Funny how everyone thinks they're the absolute unicorn who healed from a marriage in four weeks flat, carrying zero baggage while simultaneously diagnosing everyone else......because who wants to be the support cast third wheel in the wreckage of someone else's relationship.

Dp and I know someone who was literally begging to save the relationship in November and December, and now miraculously six months later they have met the one (one of many ones).
Let us be honest, trying to date while everyone is hauling around decades of unhealed trauma, half finished divorces, children and sudden miraculous epiphanies makes the whole scene feel less like romance and more like an open air asylum.

The timing is shit. A more emotionally intelligent man would have waited before dating.
I’d take a step back and tell him he’s welcome to reach out to you when things are more settled. It’s meant to be fun in the early stages and you don’t want to be his divorce sounding board.
Good luck.

Again, it depends on the circumstances and mindset. The year before the split we had pretty much drifted apart, was doing our own thing and pretty much living as housemates. All that emotional stuff had long gone.

I am not a unicorn, I was not healed in 4 weeks. It was the end of a relationship. I knew what I needed to do better. Of course there was baggage in the form of what could I have done differently and how will I moving forwards. There was regret at failing, regret at losing the family dynamic and I will never get over that - things like Xmas, only having kids half the time etc..

I do think it saved me. It stopped me wallowing in self pity, made me improve myself, made me realise I was not the bad person someone had made me out to be and started to enjoy life. That summer was (kids aside) the best one I have had for some 30 years or so!

Likewise a friends mum divorced some 30 years ago (maybe more) and is still bitter and twisted about ExH, still carrying that baggage with her. We are all different, what works for one doesnt work for another.

Do you think he might be playing the field and has less time to spend with you now?

You've known him a matter of hours and the majority of it has been crap. He'd need time to recover and learn who he is, then he'll likely want to date a few women.

Do you really want to hang around for the dregs of whatever he can offer? If he has a child then that's a complete no-no, as he should be focused solely on the kid, not lining up a new woman.

FWIW, I wanted to share my own journey. I met my current wife during a painful divorce, right in the middle of a stressful custody and financial battle during the pandemic. She was also navigating a really difficult time after losing her late husband. Having her there for me during my darkest moments completely transformed my life, and it deepened my love and appreciation for her in ways I can't fully describe. We have been married for nearly three years now and we are happier than we have ever been.

Coming from a fourteen year marriage that felt emotionally draining and abusive, I honestly doubted my capacity to love anyone ever again. But things changed. In my experience, going through a divorce as a man can feel incredibly isolating. It felt like I suddenly lost my family structure, my financial stability and the life I knew all at once while feeling quite judged by the outside world.

People often debate why men seem to re enter the dating scene so quickly after a separation. From my own perspective, it might be because many men are conditioned to only open up and lean on a romantic partner. Many women seem to have healthier, more well rounded support systems they feel comfortable leaning on during a crisis. Without that kind of network, some men might seek companionship sooner simply to cope. Sometimes, we end up processing the pain of a past relationship while already trying to build a new one, though I suppose someone with a better grip on nuances of human psychology would know more about why that happens.