Moving in together at 22 with my GF after being long-distance for 4 years I need some advice

[eddyy]

I’m posting here because I’d rather get advice from people who have actually been through this than Reddit where half the teenagers pretend they’re 45 and give relationship advice I’m 22 and my gf is also 22 and we’ve been together since we were 16. For uni I went to the USA and she stayed in London so we ended up doing four years of long distance. It was obviously difficult at times but somehow we made it work and we’re still together after all that. I’ve now moved back to London because I’ve got my first proper job starting in about 3 weeks and my gf graduated last year and is already working.

Originally I wanted to stay in the USA because there were some good opportunities there for me but she was very honest that she didn’t want to do another few years of long distance and I decided that I’d rather be back with her than keep putting our relationship through that

So now we’ve decided to move in together and we’re currently looking for an apartment. I’m really excited about it but at the same time I’m surprisingly nervous because being together and actually living together obviously aren’t exactly the same thing. We’ve spent loads of time together over the years but we’ve never had the situation where we both come home to the same place every day and have to deal with bills and cleaning and food and work and everything else together. I love her so much and I genuinely see myself marrying her one day so I really want us to do this properly rather than just assume everything will work itself out because we love each other

One thing we’ve already talked about is money. I’m going to be earning around €65k a year and she earns around €80k although we work in completely different fields. She actually suggested that rather than doing everything 50/50 we should contribute according to what we earn so she would pay a little more towards the rent groceries bills etc.

I’m actually the one who feels a bit uncomfortable about that because I don’t want her to feel like she’s supporting me or paying more because I earn less. She says she genuinely doesn’t mind and actually thinks it’s fair because she earns more but I’m still not completely sure how couples normally handle this. Is splitting things proportionally to income a normal thing when you live together or should we just keep everything 50/50 because we’re both adults earning good money? I don’t want money to become something weird between us later

I’m also wondering about friends coming over. If one of my friends wants to come round do I need to tell her beforehand and should she tell me if one of her friends is coming over? I obviously don’t mean asking permission like I’m her parent or something but more like giving each other a heads up so nobody comes home after work expecting a quiet evening and suddenly there are three people sitting in the living room. I think I’d appreciate knowing in advance and I’d obviously give her the same courtesy but I’m not sure what people actually do once they live together. Are there still personal boundaries when you live with someone or does everything just become shared because it’s your home together?

Then there’s the joint account question. We’ve talked about maybe having a joint account just for rent bills groceries and other shared expenses while keeping our personal accounts separate. That seems sensible to me but I’ve never done anything like this before so I’d be interested to know what people think. I don’t really want us to suddenly have every penny going into one account and then have to explain every personal purchase to each other. I think having some independence is probably healthy even when you’re living together but having one account for the boring household stuff seems like it could make things much easier

And chores is another thing I’m wondering about. Do couples actually try to make everything exactly 50/50 or is it more just whoever has time does it? I don’t mind cooking at all and I can actually cook properly so if I get home earlier I have no problem making dinner. If she has a free evening and I’m busy then obviously I’d expect her to do things instead. I just don’t want us to start keeping score of who washed the dishes more times or who cleaned the bathroom last At the same time I know one person can slowly end up doing most of the work without either person really noticing so maybe we should actually have some kind of agreement about it

I think the main thing I’m worried about is taking something that has worked for six years and accidentally making it difficult by living together. We’ve already survived four years of long distance and I feel like we know each other really well but this is still a completely different stage of the relationship. I love her and I want this to work and eventually I do want to marry her so I’m probably overthinking some of it but I also feel like it’s better to talk about things now than have arguments later because neither of us thought about them beforehand

So i want advice and suggestions

You're overthinking it a little bit, but fwiw when I graduated I lived with a group of friends one of whom was a couple. We set up a separate account which we all paid our even shares of bills and rent into, with a small kitty for drinks, and one person was responsible for making sure payments went out on time (before everything was direct debit).
Then I lived with my sister for years and got a cleaner because we argued endlessly about our differing standards.
When I moved in with my now husband, we set up a joint account which we have to this day. I earned more than twice his wage but we still paid in equal amounts, partly because I was a contractor so my income was uncertain. It seems reasonable to split by income % if you're both in secure jobs. Once you're married, it all changes a bit anyway. We found it quite easy to divvy up chores. I cooked, he did most of the cleaning. We did our own washing separately.
I would definitely advise you to let her know about having friends round, I always did that irrespective if whether living with friends or boyfriend.

Both of your salaries are exceptional for 22 year olds, there is absolutely no need for anyone to need financial support. Definitely 50/50 at your ages and no merging of finances. My 22 year old son pays the rent and bills from his account and his GF transfers him her share or you could set up a joint account for joint expenses and both transfer in.

Yes, give partner heads up about guests. Always tidy up after yourself, just get on with what needs doing when it needs doing. My son and GF do a weekly clean together for the rest. Just see how it works out and respectfully communicate if something needs tweaking.

I just want to start by saying you both sound lovely and thoughtful which is a great starting point.
Don't feel guilty if your girlfriend wants to pay a little more into your joint account as there may come a time when you end up supporting her more, ie. sickness or loss of a job etc. I'm always horrified on here when posters say their dp expects them to still find 50% when they are on maternity leave or recieving statutory sick pay. I hope you would be as gracious. I would also suggest you both add a social budget to the joint account for meals out etc.
As for the chores, they will sort themselves out, try suggesting if one person cooks the other does the pots. If one person hoovers and dusts the other cleans the bathroom etc.
Wishing you all the best for the future. Forgot to add, yes defintly a heads up re guests.

Any reason you are using euros when according to your post you seem to be from London and therefore will be aware that isn’t the currency used there or anywhere in the U.K…?

Even converting the currency to pounds 120k combined income for two 22 year olds seems exceptionally high. Is that right?

Habit of living in United States. Nobody compares $ to pound. It's usually done in €

Sorry but you are really overthinking. And you are so young, and earning a lot. I’d do 50/50, your salaries arent that different. And of course you’d tell each other jf a friend was coming over.

It's great that you are thinking ahead, though don't forget to relax and enjoy it all too 😀

On household jobs, my son and his girlfriend have a pretty even split. They have a Saturday morning blitz on cleaning together, then if they are eating together split the cooking ie one cooks, the other cleans up/washes up, then vice versa. If one person is out, then you cook and clean up.

Just chat about how to organize things - eg my dh and I are happy putting plates and cups by the sink and doing one or two wash ups a day. Other people hate that and wash and dry up every cup immediately. Either is fine as long as you agree (or put everything in the dishwasher. )

After 6 months or so, you might like to do a spreadsheet of who is doing what. As you say, one person can end up picking up more jobs.

Yes, let her know if you are going out or have invited friends over - and you could check how she feels about spontaneous drop ins. Some people live it, when friends just drop by,bothers prefer a heads up. IME it's worth having a shared calendar, to keep things clear.

Hth

50/50 for costs.
Being respectful of each other means that you give each other a heads up if you plan to have visitors.
Talk about sharing the load with cooking, cleaning and shopping.
Check in with each other every month or so that you are each happy with the division.

Splitting shared costs and keeping the rest of your salary is very normal.

No way would you transfer your full salary into a shared account at this stage.

Communication is key with moving in together.
Good luck.

Excellent suggestion above about a shared calendar and having the drop in chat.

I’d put more than you need for the basics into the joint account so you can use it for meals out/repairs etc without having to divvy up each individual item. Throughout my marriage we had a JA and personal accounts/savings (ex DH wasn’t great with money!)

The money arrangement she’s suggesting is sensible and fair. Joint account where you pay in your contributions towards joint costs also sensible. Yes, to letting each other know if you’re having mates over - you’re sharing a space so it’s just a courtesy. As for chores - 50/50 is the aim but I think playing to your strengths / preferences should be considered too. Eg one person loves to cook and the other doesn’t, then it can make sense for the one who enjoys it to take on that chore and the other partner picks up a regularly required chore equivalent eg the laundry. 50/50 is just the guide, like most things in life, things go in peaks and troughs, so one of you might have a busy week, be unwell etc… and so picking up some extra to support your partner is always appreciated, they do the same for you. So there’s times you do more, times you do less - as long as it works both ways and is roughly equal that’s still a fair arrangement.

But all you’re thinking about is a constantly evolving things and subject to change - you need good communication to check in that what you’re doing is working for you both and you need to be prepared to renegotiate your household responsibilities according to changes you experience in your lives.

So keep communication open and be the initiator for those conversations too - because it’s an all too common pattern for a lot of women that they take on that initiator role, they’re the one to bring stuff up, to initiate change and that can turn into a job in itself, so be an equal partner when it comes to communication and connection and you won’t go too wrong. Good luck!

I'm impressed you have given this so much thought. The proportionate split she has proposed is a fair way to do it but if you'd feel more comfortable with 50/50 then insist on that.

Joint account ... it's not all or nothing. I've been married 26 years and we have a joint account for household and children stuff and a family holiday. We transfer a proportionate part if our salaries. The remaining salary is kept in each personal account. This works well as we are both FT in good jobs. Other couples will have a different arrangement that suits them particularly if one earns/works much less but this way suits us fine.

All the other stuff, just talk about how it will work. You can have a fairly fixed "rota" ie we have set cooking nights and specific chores but other households might prefer to be more flexible. It sounds like you are both keen to be fair so I'm sure it will work out.

Having friends round - you shouldn't need to ask permission but I'd always mention it as a courtesy in case it's not going to be convenient for whatever reason. Our kids do the same " friend is probably coming over this afternoon, is that ok". Usually it's fine but helpful to know so I'm not wandering around in a towel or something!

Another vote that you are seriously overthinking it. I moved in with my DH, under much less ideal circumstances, at 17 and 18 and we figured it out as we went, supported eachother when necessary and figured out what worked for us.

It’s nice that you’re being so sensible about it but making it being so formal might make it less exiting and enjoyable for you both.

OP, congrats on the new job. I think you should open a joint account from which the rent and bills are deducted and each make a transfer into this each month. My husband and I also put money in for food each month before we were married and paid for all household accounts after that. We then had our own accounts for personal spending and saving. You get to dip a toe in shared finances.

When we had a child together we fused our finances completely as my earning capacity reduced as a direct result and this also works for us, but I don't think you are there yet.

I think you ask some other very thoughtful questions. I shared a flat with a friend in my twenties and we both invited people over with and without consultation. If you can find a place where the bedroom and lounge are if vaguely similar sizes, one of you can retreat to your bedroom if you aren't feeling social or want to give the other space.

Now I am married I would probably say if I am inviting someone round as there are more people to organise, but equally last minute visitors are super welcome in our house. If you are in a relationship ideally you like your partner's friends and they are welcome: it can be a slog if they are not.

In terms of chores, I've never done a rota but would do whatever needs doing and try not to keep score. Just be considerate. You'll reach a middle ground and if you can't live together, better find out now before more time elapses. Nobody knows if they can live with someone until they do, but clear, kind communication and not sweating the small stuff gives you the best chance of it going well. Good luck!