How can I set boundaries with an abusive ex?

[RoyalWee]

I recently ended my relationship with my abusive ex. It was a relatively short relationship, less than a year. I am not able to cut him out of my life completely as we work for the same company, I really need advice on how to set boundaries and stick to them and how to break the trauma bond. I keep finding myself agreeing to things and when I do stick to my guns he blackmails me instead and I meet up with him out of fear!

He says he wants to prove to me that he's changed. Obviously I know he hasn't, he's coercing me into meeting up with him and having sex with him! I don't love him, I don't even like him. I don't know what's wrong with me! I used to be so strong and independent. I have a lot going on in my life as I work fulltime and I'm caring for an elderly parent, I don't have the time or energy for this shit.

I am being supported by a DA charity but I think I need more intensive therapy so recommendations would be great. Thank you.

What would you do if this was a random colleague and not your ex? You'd go to HR.

Make it clear to him that if he continues to contact you about anything other than necessary work-related issues that you will contact HR (and maybe the police?).

They have a responsibility to protect you from sexual harassment in the workplace.

He is professional at work, this is all contact outside of work. I know I should block him but I am afraid to.

I don't think he'd risk his job but then I didn't think he'd do any of the stuff he did do! My biggest fear is him killing himself and taking me with him.

How is he coercing you? How is he blackmailing you? Can you give examples?

If you are struggling to say no then you need to make yourself less available to him. Don't respond to him other then professionally. Don't feel like you need to answer his texts, or help him or cater to his feelings.

Google grey rocking and 'dropping the rope'.

Ultimately this sounds like a really worrying situation and I would be looking to change jobs to get away from him, he's exerting at lot of control over you.

He threatens to make things difficult for me at work, which I know deep down he probably wouldn't do as the short term embarrassment for me would be nothing compared to the disciplinary he would face. I know he is looking for another job, he doesn't know that I know, so part of me worries that if I don't keep him sweet until he leaves he will drop me in it as a parting gift. There is nothing he could do that could get me fired, but he knows some deeply personal things about me that I would be very embarrassed if he shared.

I am slowly distancing myself but I am worried that I will go back to him, that this will drag on for even longer (although I know I'm not helping in this point!) or that he'll lose it and hurt/kill me.

I did a Claire's Law request and nothing came up but at least that means the police are aware I suppose. I have photos of the bruises, screenshots of threats and a recording of him ranting and threatening me. I don't think I'll do anything with them as I feel guilty and worried about ruining his life for some reason! I just feel trapped.

I have started looking at transferring to a different office and I am pretty sure they would allow me to.

You absolutely need to block him, and not have any contact with him outside of work. Keep a record of any threats and report to the police. If he's been violent towards you in the past, look into a non-molestation order. Speak to work urgently about his threats and ask them to expedite a move to another part of the company. If they won't facilitate this quickly, start looking for another job. Do NOT meet up with him again. Ask friends and family to support you in this. Is your home secure? Do you have a ring doorbell?

You need to speak to your boss and explain EVERYTHING. You have nothing to be ashamed of.

He's still a colleague who is threatening you outside work. Doesn't matter if it's personal in nature, if another colleague was doing the same then you absolutely need to report him to your employer, especially if you're concerned for your life! He also needs reporting to the police op, this is literally deathly serious. You need to block and disengage. I know that's easy to say but you are not responsible for him or his actions - him reeling you back in with threats of suicide or damaging your career are him continuing the abuse which is very much a police matter. Transferring offices isn't going to stop his behaviour

@RoyalWee go to your local Police station and ask to speak to someone about DV/Coercive control and abuse and follow through on what they ask of you.

Then go to HR and tell them everything.

You then block this man and do not engage with him again. Let the Police and HR handle him.

You would be smart to start self defence/MMA classes. If you think he is a physical threat then learn to fight back. Get your confidence back.

He only has power over you that you give to him.

You are worried about him killing himself and taking you with him? This sounds very concerning.
You need to do something here and you have more power than you think. He’s assisted you and you have evidence. You will have the threatening messages.
Please don’t meet him and have sex with him - it’s not sex it’s coercion.

By the way, threatening you over personal stuff he knows is pathetic. Your colleagues won’t care to know or judge you if they did.
We all have private issues/secrets.

Police and HR. You really need to stop him by ensuring his behaviour is known. He is assaulting you. Ask yourself what you would tell a friend/relative.

I mean you should still make hr aware of everything so they can take steps to keep you safe surely. Or help you push along a transfer.

If he’s threatening you and you have evidence, go to the police. Blackmail is a crime.

I know the instinct is to not rock the boat as it might make him mad but that’s a huge mistake because he is already dangerous. You are literally being blackmailed into sleeping with him, there’s not much worse than that. Straight to the police.

Move house and find a new job asap and vary your routes home from work. In the mean time, get a doorbell camera and tell your friends and family what going on. If he’s ever had a key to your home, have the locks changed.