Emotional strain of being everyone's emotional shoulder

[Cluelessfirstimer]

This might be a ramble and im sorry for that... my heads in bits a bit

I work for a company with 60 people in. Im quite senior been with the company 10+ years. Im female and probably in the older groupd of employees so a bit of a mother figure i guess.

Anyway. Ive become a bit of an emotional rock for people.

We have people going through some really serious stuff right now. A rape, separations, divorces, financial issues...one lady's partner died of a heart attack out of the blue...

Everyone comes to me and literally spills their hearts out

Thats been fine for a number of years but ive got to a point its taking its toll. I lie awake until late worrying about them and genuinely crying for them. Not while they confide in me. I mostly listen and try to give practical advice and support but when im home I genuinely feel for them.

Its not just work. Im also the same for everyone in my personal life.

I... i dont want people to have noone but I think i need a break from it. Its all gotten a little bit too much

Am i being selfish? Am I being a bitch? How do I even say any of this?

I want to help people I do but I feel like its getting to a point its impacting me so emotionally I just cant.

I wish I had the answer. I'm emotionally burnt out from providing emotional support to my partner for the last four years.

You're not being a bitch or being selfish. But we all have limits and if we don't look after ourselves somehow then we aren't able to give emotional support, even though we want to.

Hopefully others will supply ideas or thoughts but I wanted to express support and say you're not alone.

You need to be able to offload in turn, @Cluelessfirstimer and @IdentifyingAsAWoollyMammoth.

That’s why workplace schemes that provide counselling are valuable, and I’ve had some good experiences with NHS ‘talking therapy’ as well as private. In the meantime, you need some strategies for closing down the amount of time and attention you devote to managing the emotions of others. You’ll burn out otherwise.

This absolutely does take an emotional strain and is one of the key reasons counsellors have their own counselling. You are obviously a warm and non-judgmental listener who makes people feel at ease. It’s a credit to you that people can trust you but it comes at a cost to you.

Perhaps seek some extra support for yourself and sign post other people to other sources of support too. Hopefully this is the worst of it and circumstances will turn a corner soon, in any case.

I would suggest you contact HR and get an employee assistance program set up so they can speak to real therapists who can assist. And you don't have to deal with all of their emotional / life problems. We have such a program and it works very well.

Thanks for your replies. I was up until gone 3 this morning thinking about all these awful things these people are going though.

We do have a support line at work, and I have guided people towards it but somehow get back into a conversation.

Someone messaged me on teams with 'got 5 minutes?' today and I just ignored it i couldnt today.

Im off for a week now with DC and DP going on holiday so hopefully some time to reset my brain.

When im back I will try to push people to use the support line and perhaps chat to HR about anything else the company can support with.

Im happy people feel they can confide in me but....Its just a lot

I think firstly you have to give yourself a huge amount of credit as people clearly see you as someone they can confide in, you sound like an angel, i think unfortunately you’re heart might be a bit too big as your caring side is causing you personal emotional distress, i really don’t know how you fix that.

If you worry about people, you worry about people it’s your kind nature and you wouldn’t want to change that. Does your company have access to any welfare/counselling/mental health services where you could still be the go to person but rather than get all the deep info that messes with your mind you could arrange a referral?

This.
Remember some are unwilling to use such places
I suggested someone use it as I couldbt listen to there issues for much longer/ going in circles.....they did but didnt follow thru for long enough.

I had this and it caused a burnout & breakdown. Take the warning signs and look after YOU

As someone said earlier @Cluelessfirstimer you do sound like an angel. You do have to look after yourself too though. Enjoy your break, really switch off. When you're back try hard to come up with some strategies to help put some barriers in place. See what ideas HR have too x

Perhaps the advice you need to take is something I've seen on here a few times:

Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

It's difficult to break habits but something needs to change. You can care about people without hearing all the details of their sad times. A few phrases like 'I am so sorry, that sounds awful, but I'm not the best person to talk to. Here's the advice line number and here are details of the local bereavement support group,' could help you step back.

Someone messaged me on teams with 'got 5 minutes?' today and I just ignored it i couldnt today.

Don’t feel guilty about doing this - knowing what you can deal with in that moment and drawing a line is absolutely right.

I do a fair amount of this too - my current job often involves listening to hard things that people are going through and walking them through it and I seem to do quite a bit of it with friends and family too. I’ve reached saturation point several times in the past couple of years.

What helps? Restricting the hours I dedicate to this kind of thing, particularly with work cases. I’m very strict about only dealing with that stuff during work hours. It does sit in my brain outside of those hours of course so I either make written notes on what I’m going to do to support them and then actively leave it and/or I talk it through with my boss who is a very good sounding board. He also checks regularly on my welfare when I’m dealing with a particularly difficult situation. Making someone else aware of what you’re carrying (you don’t have to give details) is very helpful.

With friends and family I try to be there at the point at which they need to talk but sometimes I decide I’ve got nothing left in the tank and ignore the call. I also mute WhatsApp groups when I’m on holiday and don’t check my emails. To make myself feel
better about that I tend to ping a ‘I’m off on my hols for a week and having a communications detox so I’ll be back in circulation on xxxxxx’ message so they know why I’m not responding and I know I’ve done the necessary to warn them before I turn off.

Think about what boundaries you can reasonably put in and rope in any support you might need. And enjoy that holiday!