Myself and my OH have a baby and a toddler. Before kids, he was always very good in terms of housework and DIY - more conscientious than me even and never had to prompt him at all so I never felt that he was lazy or selfish in any way.
Cut to present day and he's just finished up 4 months full paid paternity leave following the birth of our second which was fortunate. As a result we've both been off with both kids at home most of the week with us (Toddler in nursery for 1 afternoon). I am EBF, but try to pump a bit so he can do the odd bottle but finding the time is tricky.
My OH began to get a bit of a dad bod and has always been into fitness so wanted to focus a bit on that whilst off. He lost a parent quite young and part of it is that he's terrified of losing his health. If I am not deemed supportive enough of enabling this time for him then he'll argue that this could be a consequence of that.
Knowing what it means to him and his mental and physical health, and what a poor company he is without that time, I have tried to be supportive. However I feel that I am taken for granted at this point. Frequently we argue when I become a bit burnt out as I feel he has disproportionate time to himself compared to me. When we argue around this his usual defence is 1. Keeping fit is important to health 2. It's not alot of time 3. If I complain about how much I am doing he accused me that I don't appreciate everything that he does do. 4. He would have no issue with me taking time
I don't think he recognises the reality and he has just gone back to work so I will now have the kids by myself 8-5, almost 5 days a week. I decided after our last fallout that I would log everything down to show him next time we predictably have a conflict around the same theme.
Between Sat- Tues, over 4 sessions of excersize he took 13 1/2 hrs away from me and the kids, time to himself. In that time, I took 4hrs -2 to go grocery shopping in peace alone and 2 last night to have a bath and do my nails as he is away on a work trip today and Tommorow.
He came back from working out at 6.45pm after I asked him to be back and showered at 6.30pm. By the time he showered and joined us for the dinner I had been keeping warm for an additional 30 mins it was 7pm instead. I cleaned up dinner which I had cooked and said I wanted to take my time for myself. He complained he still had to pack and iron a shirt for his work trip and that it'd be an early start. I pointed out that I had told him I was planning on taking time to myself the night before. I fed the 4 month old for a bit and informed my OH there was EBM in the fridge then went off to do my own thing. I did say to him he could go pack and I could watch the kids for 10 mins before as he and my eldest were watching TV but he declined. This was at 8.30ish.
Cut to 10.20pm and he comes to bed quietly furious at me because it's late and he has to be up early for his work trip and I've basically left him to it with the kids. The baby has basically been in the bouncer for most of the last two hours, just been changed before bed and hasn't attempted a night time feed as we would usually - just put them straight in the cot. The toddler he tried to put down later than usual after spending long time watching TV with him. Toddler was tricky to put down which has pissed him off. For reference the previous 3 nights I put both kids to bed, though my OH did bring the eldest back to bed a few times one of them.
He refused to talk to me about it apart from telling me he was mad. The next morning I found the living room a mess even though it was tidy when I had left them to it. I had even given in and ironed a shirt for him as I was concerned it was getting late.
I sent him a long message today explaining I felt this was unacceptable being angry at me and he needed to be accountable and shared the log with him.
He has not engaged and called me from the work trip as if nothing is wrong. When asked what he made of it he refused to engage and said he wouldn't respond to it.
Meanwhile I don't know if I can go on like this. I have played cook, cleaner, launderette and mum and based on that behaviour I am sadly wondering if I'd be happier doing it alone but for the sake of my kids. He does the garden and cars and DIY stuff but in reality that's not as much of a regular time commitment though appreciated. Any advice folks?