After some advice. I have been with my partner for 13 years in the beginning i was younger and wanted to have fun and he brought the fun side of me out, he communicated with me well i could talk to him about anything, he was there for me and was my best friend, we had alot of fun, we liked the same things and i felt like he was my soulmate although he never took me out anywhere and if we did i always paid as he never had any money. We talked about living together but i had an anxiety feeling about it. The reasons for this was after a few years of the relationship in an arguement he would get very angry he never hit me but he gets very abusive, stops me from leaving the room, shouts at the top of his voice so aggressively that spit would come out of his mouth. I got used to it. He also smokes alot and i started to hate the smell of it esp when we stayed at eachothers houses i would always stink of it and i hate it. As the relationship has gone on he got a better job but still never took me anywhere he once got a big bonus and spent it all on himself while i was still paying for us to do things. Also the arguements have got alot more heated he dismisses my feelings, tells me its all my fault, makes me feel like a horrible person he has even shouts at me out in public which i find so embarrassing. Recently i have stopped saying how i feel for fear of an arguement if i say how u feel i get told i love to argue and im a drama queen (which is not me at all i hate drama)
He always says things like we should go on holiday but never actually books anything or he says we should stay at that hotel but never books it..i thinks hes planting a seed so i will book it and pay for it. I had something traumatic happem recently and he wasnt there for me at all i started to disconnect from him, then he did nothing for my big birthday i disconnected abit more then a few weeks ago we had a conversation talking about what would happen if one of us died i said to him you might meet someone else i was kinda expecting him to say something along the lines of i would miss you too much to meet someone else bur he said i couldnt meet someone else because it would be too much agg the whole dating thing again. This really hurt me i bit my tongue for fear of an arguement but i thought wow do you actually love me at all. He does do things for me like cut my lawn and do bits round the house but he does that for all his family and friends. I have started to feel drained around him and finding excuses not to see him i have disconnected. I am thinking of finishing things but im scared what if he is actually my soul mate and im throwing it away. Also i am scared of being alone i dont have many friends at all and its a scary thought. Any advice? We are supposed to be going away this weekend for one night i have already paid for the hotel but im dreading it.