I can’t stop wishing my ex would come back

[PawPawPawPawPaw]

I’m constantly feeling low and depressed. I hate being a single mum, and I can’t stop wishing my ex had never left. People always say you only leave a relationship because you’re unhappy, but what if the alternative is even worse? I wasn’t happy then, but I’m certainly not happy now. I’m sad all the time, exhausted, and I genuinely don’t know how much longer I can keep doing this on my own.
A few months ago he sent me a really long, heartfelt message. For the first time in years I let myself believe there was a chance we might work things out. Then… nothing. Complete silence. I still don’t understand why someone would pour their heart out like that if they had no intention of following through.
Part of me keeps wondering whether I should reach out to him, but I don’t know if that’s hope talking or desperation.
The thing I keep going over in my head is that I wish I’d just accepted our situation instead of pushing for more. I wanted us to be a proper family, and I ended up giving him what was effectively an ultimatum. It backfired, and now I wonder if I’d have been better off keeping quiet and making peace with what we had, however imperfect it was.
Has anyone else ever felt like this? Did you reach out, or did you leave it alone? I honestly can’t see any light at the end of the tunnel at the moment.

Can you not just get into a beneficial co-parenting relationship with him?

No that wouldn’t work sadly

I’m sorry you’re struggling with the end of your relationship. It’s so hard when the future you’d imagined is taken away from you.

What was the ultimatum and did he allude to it when he contacted you? I have to say, if he was serious about wanting to reconcile you would think he’d follow up on his heartfelt message.

Could he have been drunk when he sent it, and then in the cold light of day thought better of it? Or do you truly believe he wanted to reach out but then …what, he got cold feet again? Did your reply ask him to take responsibility or be in some way accountable instead of just gushing that you want him back?

Either way, his flip flopping and lack of continuity will mess with your head if you let him back in. Often they reach out just to see if they could still have you if they wanted you, it’s an ego thing.

I had similar with an ex of 10 years. I gave him the benefit of the doubt after months apart, we slept together and the next day he told me we could keep seeing each other but he’d still see other people and was happy for me to do so too. That was the final straw when I belatedly found my self respect and said “no more”. It was the final push I needed to let him go.

Sometimes you keep going back for more of the same until your heart catches up with your brain! Let this be the moment.

I wanted more commitment than he was willing to offer, he has over the years tried to get back with me but I knocked it back and now I deeply regret it. He told me he loved me a few years ago but it honestly freaked me out so I panicked and backed away but thats was a long time ago now.

Why not? It says a lot about the quality of the man if he's not willing to share looking after his own child.

Have you posted about him before?

Sorry didnt realise there was any rules on that, if you could point out the rules that would be extremely helpful

No no sorry I didn’t mean that . I just meant I think I’ve read something similar. Not sure if it was you or someone else
Either way he sounds like a deadbeat. I know how it feels to want someone back while at the same time knowing they’re no good for me.

Ouch. No need for that.

Neither is asking someone if they’ve posted before like theres some rules on that, this is a public forum people can post however much they want and you are free to ignore, asking someone if they’ve posted before is also rude.

No it isn't. Sometimes a much fuller picture of the situation can be explained if people have read other previous posts by the same poster, detailing other aspects of the relationship etc.

If, for instance, you had previously posted saying that he was unable to make any long term commitment because he lives in another country, it would have a different response than if you'd said he was in a long-term relationship with someone else and wouldn't leave her for you.

People do come back here again and again asking advice about the same relationship. There's nothing wrong in asking the OP whether it was they who previously posted or not, so as to avoid the potential confusion if posters think the OP is someone else.

Or you’ve taken what I’ve asked completely the wrong way
anyway I’m out

It’s not rude. Sometimes posters make repeated threads about the same issue and ignore the advice on every one. And no, I am
not suggesting that’s the case here.

So no need to be so sensitive as it was a valid question.

And IF you are the same poster I’m thinking about then he doesn’t see or pay a penny for his kid . Or you could be someone else . That’s the only reason I was asking

If people wanted it linked to their old threads they wouldn’t name change or they would link the thread themselves and say please see previous threads for background.

See you werent only just asking was you.

And whats wrong with that? You don’t have to read or respond?

I was going to give advice OP but can see you are just ready to fight with anybody who actually replies so probably not worth the effort!

There is literally nothing wrong with someone asking if you’ve posted before whatsoever, or with someone wanting more info before giving advice. For example if this man is a deadbeat dad and shit partner, the advice is never going to be to go back to him!

You’re too prickly for your own thread, OP. 😂

Ok let’s leave it at that then. But in future if someone wants it linked they don’t name change do they 🙄

You don't need him back. You need a regular break from the constant grind. Does he even see his kid? Why would you want that back in your child's life?

Nobody is worth just scraps. That's all this bloke can offer.

True. And sometimes that's because they're worried about being recognised, or they are trying to get a different perspective to be fair to the other person.

And sometimes they leave out that either they, or the other person, is an utter wanker. Changing the nature of the question entirely.

If he won't pay for or parent his DC, he's a piece of shit. Why would you want a piece of shit around?

You have a child and he left? That's all you need to know. He doesn't want to be there or he would.. Of course you wanted commitment, he knows that. You need to focus on yourself. You can't push away a man that really wants to be there so don't blame yourself and I think you will be very vulnerable so don't let him use you.

If it helps, I was desperate for my ex back.. did some work on myself and found my peace .. he actually now wants back and I'm like meh.. can't be bothered with him lol. so it's just a mindset

Why does it matter?

Are you usually this difficult?

thanks to the genuine posters but I won’t be posting again. Anytime I post on here I get verbally attacked, thats why I name change but that doesn’t work either. Let’s just leave it there please.