If you were married for over 15 years and been separated for over 5, please read.

[Idontlookyoung]

I had a cry today for the life I thought I'd be living now. 6 years after my marriage ended, I still get a little sad sometimes that the relationship the innocent 22 year old thought would last her whole life is over.

Today I recognised I'm probably going to carry the grief of the end of my 20 year marriage for the rest of my life.

He cheated. He wasn't very nice before that at times. I don't regret ending things - he was unfaithful and counselling didn't move me past that fact.But still, he was my husband. I loved him deeply.

I'm so happy with where my life is now.

My new partner of 3 years is the most amazing man, and the person he is has made me reflect that my marriage/XH was not as good as I thought it was at the time.

My adult children are well rounded and happy.

I'm earning a lot more money than I ever was when I was with XH.

But I still have these moments of grief alongside the happiness.

Can anyone relate? Does your marriage ending a while ago still occasionally make you sad despite your current happiness?

Yes.

i still get moments of sadness. They are fewer and further between and don’t last as long as they used to

Honestly no, it’s just a chapter in my life, along with certain jobs or houses I lived in. It gave me my children and then I moved on and had other relationships and other experiences.

Maybe I’m a bit broken in that respect, but I very much just live in the moment, trying not to look back or forward, wondering what if, or worrying about what might be.

My current DP of 3 years is very much stuck in his past, and also wants to plan for our future, but for me, knowing that marriage doesn’t always work out, or that best laid plans can be upended with a single event, I would rather take each day as it comes, no regrets about the past, no promises for the future.

10 years down the line and not sad at all. Leaving him was the best thing I ever did. I'm currently single through choice and will likely stay that way. I am 56 though, and just can't be arsed with the hassle of dating. I'm also very firm on never living with someone again as I love not answering to anyone, in any way.

I was married 23 years. Now been divorced as long. I'm not sure you ever entirely get over it.

I am very happily married to husband number 2. I can't stand my ex and have no idea what I ever saw in him.

However, couple of years ago I unexpectedly came across a photo of him, taken at work when we had been married 18 months. My heart gave a lurch. At that time I loved him so much, we were full of hope and plans. Grief for old innocent me I suppose, but it can catch you out.

You will get over it all and those moments will become fewer and further apart.

It's not my personal experience but one of my best friends has been through this. She had many moments of sadness that the marriage had ended, even when with a lovely new partner and children have adjusted and doing well. Often, especially after a few drinks, she would get tearful and expressed that she felt she had failed by not being able to hold the marriage together and keep her children's secure 2 parent home. In reality, none of it was her fault and her husband was a cold, cruel, manipulative man. She still grieved the end of her marriage for years.

Now, 13 years on, she has been able to let go of this. All she feels towards him is indifference and she has moved on. She is still with her lovely partner and has a great relationship with her children. She has a new career. It's taken years but she is in a much better place.

Please don't feel that you will grieve this forever. I promise one day you will wake up and realise it doesn't hurt any more. You will get there. You are doing brilliantly so be kind to yourself 💐

Yes, I often feel incredibly sad - no regrets at leaving, it was an abusive marriage and I had no choice, but I'm just so sad that it wasn't different.

I was with exh for nearly 25 years, married for 20. Separated 6 years ago and I'm now remarried. Ex has had the same partner since before I met my husband.

I look at old photos of young, beautiful, optimistic me and I could just howl at how different everything ended up. I am very happy with dh but I miss my old home and would have loved to not have to put the kids through all the trauma. I try very hard not to dwell on it - as I said, leaving was 100% the right thing, but I do sometimes wish it had been different and I didn't need to.

I'm obviously an outlier. I was married 25 years and been divorced 20 years and never ever do I think of my ex with fondness. I loathed him for years until I managed to get rid. God, he was awful. I suppose that says things about me, really, about why I married him in the first place and why I waited so long to spilt with him.

I was with XH 17 years and we have been apart that long. It was years before I stopped thinking about him entirely but it wasn’t always with sadness 🤣.
I was ok with it, he was a big and very important part of my life and Dad to my kids so to me it was natural.
Two things probably prolonged it though, staying single until recently and the fact I am a shocking navel gazer.

Thank you for all your input. It's good to know that some of you are similar and good to hear some of you are not!

I have a tendency for a very long memory on things, so can't see this fading much more with time.

I hear you @EmeraldDreams73 - you don't regret leaving, but wish that the hopes and dreams of the young person you were had been fulfilled.

Managed almost 15 years with exH and it's coming up to 15 with new DH.
I can honestly say other than a little cry once divorce finalised, which I think was sadness that of course you don't get married expecting that to happen, I barely ever think of ex at all. For a long time I've really not had any thoughts or feelings - just indifferent/apathetic

It was my 20th wedding anniversary last week. We have only recently separated due to his unwillingness to commit to treatment for his mental health affecting us all, so not abusive or a bad marriage in the main. I was dreading the day, and spent it absolutely furious at what had been thrown away. I took the kids out for a nice lunch and did go for a long dog walk by myself but felt very restless and unsettled all day. I think it is just sadness that it has come to this. I have no intention of ever getting into another serious relationship and he'll will freeze over before I get married again so this will forever be my wedding anniversary.

I feel this way. Two kids, together 15 years. We’ve been separated 7 years now and I have a lovely new partner but it still pains me at times.
What hurts is the betrayal. He cheated and was emotionally abusive in the process.

I also put so much trust in him because I have no family support so he was my everything.

Of course that was all very naive and fairy tale of me.

It’s like that line from the Brandi Carlile song- I gave you all I had and got the worst of you.
My life is much better without him which makes it strange that it still haunts me.

My life is a million times better for having left. I could never have imagined a life like this in my wildest dreams.

I look back and don't even recognise myself. I've got used to being treated with respect and kindness; I'd last five minutes with someone like him in the same room, let alone be in a relationship with him.

If ever we are in contact (i.e. when someone dies!), I feel a bit sad for him. Feeling responsible for his happiness was not easy to switch off, so knowing his life still looks pretty miserable causes me stress. I push it from my mind.

I don't quite meet your specifications, having been married for 20 years (together for 25) but separated for only two and a half. However otherwise I recognise the feelings you describe. I'm in a new relationship now and so is he. I know ending the marriage was the right thing to do. We'd grown apart but the catalyst was a big financial betrayal (massive secret debt) that I couldn't get past. I'm still very fond of him, I'm not angry with him or anything. We're amicable but not close any more, and I feel the loss of that core relationship - I was with him nearly all my adult life.

Some of it is guilt about the children. We have two teenagers and whilst the eldest adapted quickly, the youngest, 13 at the time, really struggled. There was drinking, vaping, cannabis, and eventually she was seriously sexually assaulted. It's hard not to blame myself. Also financially it was and continues to be a struggle - I couldn't afford to buy, or to rent any more than two bedrooms, which meant the eldest didn't want to stay over as much because she didn't have her own base with me. She was also doing her own thing - college, a new boyfriend, work - and it feels like I hardly see her (though perhaps that would have been the case even if we'd still been living together)

Gradually things are settling but it's been a time. I wouldn't want to go back to where we were - when I think about how things were at the end, I feel sure I made the right decision. But I do feel a deep sadness about it all and I can't see that ever fully lifting.

I was married over twenty years, from quite young. I divorced him when he cheated. I am sad I allowed myself to be treated badly - I should have got out years earlier. I am angry he behaved like an arse. He cheated, re-wrote our relationship so I didn’t even recognise him or it, and it cost me a small fortune to get the hell out. I’m happy now (I have a good job, kept the house, lovely partner) but, since you ask, I’ll never ‘get over’ building a life as a team (as I thought), with someone who didn’t deserve me.

Both can be true at the same time. Happy for the present and sad that things couldn't have just worked out the first time. Sad (and angry) that the ex couldn't have just been the person they had the potential to be? It is okay to be sad for 22 yo you. She was young, innocent and optimitstic and did not know any different.

Yes, exactly. I spent a few months in apoplectic RAGE at him bullshitting his way into his new partner's life (I worked for him, still do, and he used the work FB page to message her. This was a year after we split and I was the only person dealing with messages for the business, so I read a fair bit before realising and telling him to change how he did it. The utter fury at how he was misrepresenting himself seemed to come from my toes and just continued 24/7 for about 4 months.

5 years down the line I try very hard not to dwell on how much it's all affected me/how life most definitely did not go as I hoped as a young adult. I don't miss being with him one tiny bit. I just wish desperately that I'd never met him.

We’ve now been divorced as long as we were married. Our lives have gone in completely different directions from what they would have been like if we’d stayed together. I like the person I am now, and he’s happy. I did things I would never have done if we’d stayed together, and so has he. We had good times, and wonderful children together, but there were bad times too, and on balance, we did the right thing to disentangle our lives when we did. I have no regrets that we married, and no regrets that we separated. We occasionally see one another when there’s an event with one of the kids (now all adults), and we chat easily with no rancour. There is no point in dwelling on ‘what ifs’ in life - we have to deal with what actually happened.

I definitely have moments of missing having a long shared history, missing my old house and feeling bad for adult children that they don't have their old home to visit. But those are the costs of a getting out of the wrong relationship. More than 10 years since - regret is a part of life.

No, sometimes I remember and it puts a little spring in my step that I divorced him.

I get very upset. Ive lost the happy retirement I thought Id have and now have to retire alone with nobody.
All the plans we had and places we were going to go. Not happening now.

Thank you for your honesty.

You imply that things are now worse for you since your split. I'm sorry that if that is the case.

I was married over 20 years, and I left. No abuse - it had just reached its sell by date.

We've been apart for a lot of years now, and when we meet, for family stuff, I just wonder how the hell i was married to him for so long. 🤷‍♀️