Anxious in a new relationship that’s moving fast- am I overthinking?

[galaxybeyond101]

For context I am 32 yr old female

I became single at the start of this year after being with my partner for 10 years. We were engaged for but didn’t have children, but it was still a huge relationship and a big life change. The engagement ended because of infidelity.

After a couple of months of OLD, I met someone who is great. We’re both in our early 30s and neither of us has kids. The issue is that everything is moving incredibly fast - we’ve only been together for about a month and he has already told me he loves me, talks about marriage, and says he feels like we were meant to be.

The thing is, he really is treating me well. He’s kind, supportive, and when I told him I wanted to slow things down, he was understanding and didn’t pressure me. On paper, he’s doing everything right. But I feel very anxious, and I’m struggling to understand why. I also know he has quite significant mental health struggles, and I’m starting to feel responsible for how he feels and whether he’s okay. I don’t want to become someone’s emotional support system at the expense of myself.

I can’t tell if I’m just overthinking because of my previous relationship ending and the betrayal I experienced, or if my gut is trying to tell me something???????

Part of me feels excited, but another part of me feels slightly trapped by how intense everything has become. Is this normal, am I overthinking??

You are not overthinking. Your fears are rational and valid.

Your anxiety is your gut screaming at you that this isn’t right. Listen.

he has already told me he loves me, talks about marriage, and says he feels like we were meant to be.

This is a month in and rushing the relationship so fast is a huge red flag. You don't even know each other at this point. That's why you're anxious, you know this is too much too soon.

I also know he has quite significant mental health struggles, and I’m starting to feel responsible for how he feels and whether he’s okay.

Codependency. That's dysfunctional and unhealthy and another reason you're anxious. And this has developed after a mere month. Another big red flag.

Your gut and anxiety are telling you this relationship is not a good one for you.

Your gut is telling you something, trust it.

It's sounding love bomby & as you said you do not want to be responsible for his feelings, walking on eggshells much?
Slow it down, explain this to him that this is too much too soon (and if he doesn't back off then it might be better ending it.).
See what others think, that's just me but I'm menapausal, eternally single by choice & if some guy was saying i love you id be running for the hills. But that's me, not you!

He has significant mental health issues.
He tells you he loves you and wants to marry you one month into a relationship.
You feel trapped.

Listen to what your brain is saying and move on before you waste any more time on a man who is not a keeper.

If it feels fast to you then trust your instincts. Every time this has happened to people I know it has been lovebombing which ends badly. Stay calm and don't feel pressured into giving too much too soon or returning the same amount of attention or affection. Be alert to lies, as there may well be some things they are hiding that they will swear blind they told you early on, for example.

Listen to your gut. It's telling yiu things are going too fast for a reason. Also, I may be criticised for this, but i would not get involved with someone with significant mental health issues. It would not be something I would choose- I've been there- it was devastating.

Too much too soon. You’ve only been out of a long relationship for 6 months. One month into meeting someone with no shared background, there is no way anyone can be “in love” with you, they don’t know you.

Walk away. Spend more time single. Recover from the end of your long term relationship which started when you were young. Enjoy life as a single person and embrace your own self worth.

No, it's making you anxious and uncomfortable, therefore it is going too fast for you.

NO!! Red flags everywhere. Love bombing and future faking. Bin him off ASAP.

OP your gut is telling you he's rushing too far and too fast with this new relationship.

You're also getting the vibe that his mental health is somehow your responsibility ffs! (It's NOT and never, ever will be!)

You don't know each other at all yet. It's waaayyyy to soon for the 'I love you' crap too. How can you 'love' someone you only met a month ago? You can't.

You don't know anything but the most superficial 'him' yet. You've both been on 'best behaviour' as new potential partners, and have likely met only a handful of times!

Trust your gut. Either tell him he needs to stop rushing the relationship, or tell him you're just not ready to date at all at the moment, because he's showing a Chinese New Year level of red flags !!

Forgot to say OP, he's also showing severe 'love bombing' and is highly likely to be a potential 'cocklodger' too.

What are his living arrangements?no man as in love as one who needs a new address...

Another one to say listen to your doubts @galaxybeyond101 , they are trying to protect you.

I'll never understand why people want to get with someone so quickly after a long relationship ends...why are you so scared about being on your own for any length of time?

Give it a try, I promise you'll love it. The peace is so lovely, and it's far better than dealing with this anxiety-inducing situation. Work on yourself, put your own happiness first over anyone else, and decentralise the need for anyone else - at least for a year or two at minimum.

Then, after that, you'll likely be in a much better place to date again.

Do i say something to him?? I feel really upset today.

Yes. Tell him calmly that he is moving WAY too fast for you. Say that you are enjoying his company, but that it is far too early for him to be declaring his love or talking of marriage.

Tell him he needs to rein it in and just enjoy seeing how the relationship progresses slowly or that otherwise you will end things now.

Do not be manipulated by him mentioning his MH, or sticking his bottom lip out and saying he can't help his feelings, or anything else that tries to make out you are the problem.

Be calm, be clear and tell him he either backs off to a healthy level of 'we have known each other a month' or it is over.

Tell him you're not ready for this and neither is he. Please bin him. This has got way too many red flags. In the first instance it's childish behaviour. He's acting like a schoolboy.

Even if he's receiving psychiatric care and is on meds, the fact you're already seeing severe mental health struggles means it's not working very well. Or is he trying to deal with the issues without therapy and meds?

In either case, he really had no business dating when he should be working on getting himself into a good place mentally.

In my first marriage, I married way too young and my ex suffered from depression which he expressed in anger and isolation. Having experienced that, I say to get out now while you're seeing red flags. Yes, he'll be upset but people are broken up with all the time. He's an adult and will have to dust himself off and move on.

In my first marriage, I married way too young and my ex suffered from depression which he expressed in anger and isolation.

I had exactly the same experience. In retrospect he had no business promising to be a husband, he needed to work on himself first. For my part, I wasn't clear on what 'healthy' looked like either. People need to be ready to be in a healthy partnership before they put themselves forward.

OP I agree with all the others I'm afraid. He's moving worryingly fast and trying to override your sensible instincts.

Major red flags. I'd say you're feeling a bit overwhelmed and want to slow things right down while you actually get to know each other. Or just end it.

You can't know that you want to marry someone when you've only known them a month.

You probably don’t even know his shoe size, yet he’s saying he loves you and is talking about marriage, one month in. Poppycock!

It’s way too soon.
And would be ringing huge alarm bells for me.

I assume you haven’t told him you love him?

I would definitely say something. And also look up love bombing.

Say a few random ‘no’s. It’s always useful to see how someone reacts when you don’t behave as they expect.

And tell him you aren’t ready for a serious relationship, that you’re just out of one and need some time to rediscover who you are first.

Some men want a wife bot. They aren’t particularly interested in who you are, or who they are. They just want to be in a couple and will do and say whatever it takes to make it happen. They may even keep it up. It doesn’t mean it’s a good relationship. It can feel very performative.

He doesn't love you. No one healthy who actually knows what love is will tell a virtual stranger that they love them. They can feel the potential but won't necessarily say it like this.
Significant mental health issues could be a personality disorder also. Narcissists proclaim love early doors. I bet that if you were to question it or ask him what he loves about you he'd say some super shallow rubbish like 'we like the same stuff' (as in literal stuff = things) or 'we have the same humour' (not that shallow but in the glaring absence of anything else..). Yes the connection can still feel intense but this is also the reason why. It's been half manufactured.
I don't actually doubt that THEY think that they're in love. However, could be idealization. Not the healthy slow process of discovering the other person.
Stay wise with this one, OP. Your gut is telling you it's fast - it's because it is.