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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Trauma bond

2 replies

mummyof3kiddies · 27/07/2026 20:23

I have left t an abusive relationship after 20 years, and it’s been a few weeks now and I feel so upset. One minute I’m okay then the next I get withdrawal symptoms and only want him back get fixed so we could continue being a family again. We were together for 20 years and have kids, I have been a faithful and a very supportive wife, I have always supported him trough everything. Throughout the years we have struggled financially due to his nature he was very bad with money. Recently I’d found a job I love and started to earn, since then his suspension got worse and he would accuse me of pretending to go to work and be upto no good etc. most days he would upset me when I got back from work. For many years he has put me through hell where at the end I started to have panic attacks and even self harmed. He would call friends and family and tell them I’m a cheater and all sorts of lies.

Buy why do I only remember the good times. He was also a caring and loving husband and father but very miserable and insecure.

He is now begging to take him back and not to destroy our family but I’ve had enough and know that if he comes back it would destroy me and my mental health.

Now that I’m out of the relationship I feel like I’ve broken out of prison but I’m extremely sad about tearing my family apart. Has anyone got any suggestions please

OP posts:
Nosdacariad · 27/07/2026 21:13

It's very, very early.

You did a brave thing and it will be difficult for a while.

Can you limit your contact with him to only about your dc?

What things help you feel a bit better? Exercise? Seeing friends or family?

Sorry you feel bad xxx

Openmouthinsertfood · 27/07/2026 22:44

I think you are craving the familiar. I once got out of a long abusive relationship and found the 'not knowing' so hard. Like when I was with them, although it was wrong, I knew what was coming. I knew I would be moaned at about X, told to do Y, etc. When you leave there is none of that 'structure.'
Give yourself a bit of time, and really look after yourself. After a while you will really start to notice and enjoy the freedom.

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