Would these comments and behaviours be reasonable deal breakers in dating?

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I've was dating someone for a few months (met on Hinge, mid 40s)and am reflecting on my standards and self-esteem in the wake of it ending. Which, if any, would be deal breakers or have caused you serious concern?

-made a few silly sexual jokes whilst messaging, before we met eg..I asked him if he played a musical instrument and he made a joke about wanking
-first date in a coffee shop, I removed a long sleeved top as was too warm (had another top on underneath obvs) and he went "wahaaayyy" as if I was stripping
-made a joke about all women having a base level of psycho
-referred to disabled people as "Scopey"
-met a colleague of min at a works do and told me she was "rough" and this is why he doesn't date women from her area
-despite the fact he is on amicable terms with his ex wife, told me laughingly, when she asked for a divorce, that he had called her a "fat old witch" and threatened to take her pension
-told me inappropriate details about his ex including that she was restricted in sexual positions she could do due to bad hip and that she could orgasm immediately from anal sex (he told me this whilst we were in bed by way of praising my comparative flexibility)
-said "You look lovely in your dress; my ex wife never wore them because of her body type"
-met an acquaintance of mine and said "You're naturally beautiful, not like women like that who plaster on the make up"
-when I was trying to encourage him to get o know me better and asked if there was anything he wanted to know about me (cause I had tried to ask him lots about himself) he said "What is the smallest penis out there have encountered?
-told me, in bed, that he had yet to encounter a smelly vagina
-told me he had dumped a woman as her pubic hair was too long (after avoiding having sex with her for weeks)
-shortly after we began a sexual relationship, told me he thought genitals in general were gross and then was annoyed with me when I went a bit quiet and distant for a few minutes after he said that
-first time we had sex, he seemed clueless despite being married before and many relationships. He kissed me for a while and I was expecting some foreplay (I know I could have initiated this but I had lead on taking him up to my bedroom and removing clothes so didn't want to lead ointment everything). Without so much as touching me intimately, he entered me without a condom. He stopped as soon as I told him to and was visibly upset and said he thought I had wanted it as we were naked and he was laying on top of me. He was genuinely upset and I ended up comforting him!
-I disclosed to him that I had been sexually assaulted in a previous relationship. Despite this, he sent me a GIF that appeared to be of a woman being assaulted, face down on the floor and crying..looked like really rough porn but you could only see her face.
-he had some very laddish mates and he said he didn't judge them for sleeping with prostitutes although it was not something he would do. Told me they had all been giggling in the pub about some story about a woman with a massive anus.
-in a weird coincidence, a mate of his turned up at my house to collect something I had listed on marketplace. He arrived 15 minutes earlier that agreed and ex and I were in bed. When ex realised who it was, he got dressed and said hi his mate. he later told me that the incident had been the subject of joking on their group WhatsApp, with one them writing "He was just pulling out of her as he arrived!"

I felt unsettled with him lot. Would the above reasonably explain that? I have very poor self esteem and anxious attachment style and I am trying to work out if there were reasons outside of that which would make others feel insecure in this dynamic. He was affectionate, attractive, a good dad, good to his mum, a professional, kind to animals, funny, lots of friends and very keen on me. He would send gushing messages and romantic songs and GIFs a lot. He seemed quite future -focused with wanting to progress the relationship quickly. He made me feel very chosen. He was not the type to ask me things about how many men I had slept and liked natural-looking women. So there were lots of good things about him too.

Imagine how he’ll talk about you to his next girlfriend or mates?

Apart from the first two (I’d put that down to dating awkwardness) all of them sound gross. How did you feel about them at the time?

Also, he is a cunt

Having been through this, I think it's a man of a certain age thing. Not excusing it, because it's rank. BUT they were brought up in a different time. A more blokey, sexist, objectifying women way. Because it was acceptable among their mates to make sexist jokes, their creepy behaviour wasn't policed and corrected.

They've carried this forwards with them, not realising that things have changed and that women won't take this shit anymore.

I'm sure you won't want to do this, if you've already split up, but telling him of the horrible ick factor created by all of this totally unacceptable behaviour would be doing him a massive favour. MAYBE just maybe he could learn from it.

Sorry OP, but you need to step away from dating for a bit. Get some outside help, whether that be from books or podcasts or SM reels 7(some others have recommended some and I'm sure if you ask on here, others will too) or see a therapist. Your bar is so incredibly low if you think this is a good man.
I have a feeling though that you are going to carry on ignoring the carnival of red flags and focus on him being "nice to his mum" and you will stay with him. Please don't

The fact that you have memorised all these unacceptable traits is evidence enough that you are very uncomfortable with this sort of behaviour. He is probably trying too hard to be cool and sexually interesting when in fact he is probably immature and naive . For me any form of ' banter' about previous bedroom activity with his ex wife or other women , as well as laddish behaviour with his mates would be a complete turn off . I don't even believe the anal sex thing.
I think you are lonely and have tried to overcompensate his ' good' traits to try to make him seem acceptable .

It is unlikely that any dating partner will turn out to a perfect match in all aspects of your life, but don't settle for anyone that's makes you feel this uncomfortable even if he it nice to his mother son and ex wife. It's you he has to be nice to.

Did you actually tell him that you don't like the way he talks about these things and if so, did he at least attempt to curb his behaviour or even apologise?

I did say that I didn’t like sexual banter in early
messaging before I have even met someone but he still then made the “wahayy” comment on the first date. When he told me about the name he had called his ex wife, I did say that made me uncomfortable as I felt then name-calling in arguements crosses a line. And I did challenge him when he said that genitals were gross, saying that surely you should be attracted to someone fully if you fancy them. That one hit a nerve due to the lack of foreplay and made me uncomfortable in my body.

Overall, he did come across as a likeable person. He made me feel very chosen in some ways. Looking back, his early intense messages were a bit cringe and teenage eg GIFs of young people cuddling or kissing when we are in our 40s. But in some ways he seemed very mature eg very responsible job

In person, he is warm, quite charismatic, an engaging story teller and intelligent.

So what? Ted Bundy and the majority of serial killers have those qualities, it's how they pull you in. But this man's other qualities are really awful OP and you obviously know that. Only someone who has low self esteem would ignore those other qualities, and if you think they aren't that bad please go into seriius therapy before dating again. You are ripe for an abusive relationship which is very chilling to read.

The first sexual experience got me really confused. I genuinely don’t think he is a sexual predator at all and he did seem very nervous and awkward. He said he thought I wanted him to have sex with me because I pulled him towards me when we were naked and he was on top of me. So I’ve kind of excused him and thought, well I could have initiated foreplay rather than just waiting for him to do it. I didn’t think any man with significant sexual experience would think it acceptable to just go straight to penetration without so much as any intimate touching at all and no condom . All we had done was kiss. I don’t have huge amounts of experience outside of my marriage . I would have and should have discussed condoms but didn’t think we were at that point. Maybe I was unreasonable just to be waiting for him to initiate foreplay?

I think it’s really good that you have asked this question here.

There are numerous red flags. This is early days and he will be on his best behaviour. The good bits you see are probably exaggerated and the worst bits you see are only going to get worse as he gets more comfortable.

I think the first red flag was the wanking joke. It overstepped a boundary. It would be a deal breaker in its own for me. I can’t stand that juvenile puerile behaviour in men. But I can see that others might not mind. But then it just gets worse and worse.

I think if you have an anxious attachment style then I think probably the love bombing and then being critical of other women is a bad mix for you. It will leave you always in this state of uncertainty. Sorry.

I would arm chair psychologist-style suggest this is a man who really, really doesn’t like sex and who is a victim of a partriarchal society where his ideas about the sex he ‘should’ be having have been formed by his wanker mates and porn. It’s not a nice combo and (again, from my armchair) I feel a bit sorry for him actually.

BUT - AND ITS A HUG BUT - understanding the background doesn’t mean you have to excuse the actions. He behaves like a sleazy immature woman-hating prick and you don’t have to put up with that, ever.

A brilliant phrase I learned on here: women are not community centres for men. We don’t have to save, cure or fix them but so many of us are very, very comfortable doing that. When you just stop it, your life becomes so much easier.

Clunky first time or boundary pushing, there is more than enough for me to say no.

What I will tell you is that I have just come out of a 20 year marriage and I so wish I’d paid attention to the red flags that were there at the start. He seemed super lovely, kind and empathic. Id never felt so loved. I was definitely love bombed and also have an anxious avoidant style. But looking back now, seeing that he would meet criteria for narcissistic personality style, I can see that I was just a source of supply for him. All those ‘good’ personality traits I thought I saw have disappeared now he knows I have seen the real him and he is nasty.

There are a few red flags for narcissistic traits there. It might be worth looking it up to see if he fits - vulnerable or communal narcissistic style might fit. If it does - RUN!

I could not bring myself to read all of your post. Very early on into reading i thought bin him. He is an absolute disgrace. Get rid, re-evaluate know your worth and raise your bar.

WTAF

You let this disgusting oaf near your lady garden? 🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤮

OP has come here and been very honest and asked for thoughts. She has ended the relationship with him. She doesn’t need to be berated.

She has come here to discuss this and unfortunately I’m sure a lot of us can relate to the situation she found herself in (I know I can)

She can be frank about the sexual things he said because it is relevant to why she had concerns. This is an adult female space and women come here to be honest

Ah, thanks for flagging that, I had missed that you’d already ended the relationship OP. Really glad to hear that. Your instincts were working well.

One or two of those things you listed, I’d be ok initially to put down to nerves or silly awkwardness. But there are just too many - they accumulate and show that he’s not a good person enough. Most people have some good traits, and are kind to a few people. That’s a given. It’s not a reason to stay. Don’t doubt yourself and don’t go back.

Thank you. I certainly wasn’t listing all the details for titillation as PP suggested. It is more to get other peoples’ perspective and make sense of it to myself. People can’t really comment with insight unless the details are
laid out.

There really isn't any point in telling someone you don't like sexual banter so early on. They aren't going to change who they are for you. I know its a mumsnet cliché, but if someone tells you who they are you should believe them. Hiding something in a cupboard doesn't make it go away

The first part gives me the ick, I would have stopped it there!

Goodness did you not just think typing the first thing you had answered your own question

The good thing about this space is that you will get people saying it like it is - this can be really hard to hear but it sounds like you need to hear this stuff.

The slight downside is that some people do not understand the nature of abuse. It changes your brain chemistry so that it is difficult to recognise it. It doesn't mean you are stupid, anyone from any walk of life can be affected. I know someone who is a GP who stayed with her partner after he physically assaulted her and gave her life changing injuries. Try not to internalise any of this but realise that you are not seeing the world in a way that protects you. It has taken me years to get to this point OP and I still mess up a bit so be gentle with yourself but start doing the work.

Thanks. I don’t feel this man was abusive …. Just seeemd to have no filter or awareness of how remarks could land.

I find all this stuff really confusing. Am I just naturally anxious in relationships or was he triggering me? Is it normal for early sex to be that bad or should it be expected and it just improves over time? Is an early declaration of love always a red flag…. What about all the Mumsnetters who say they just knew he was the one after just a few dates and have been married for ages. I feel I need a manual as I clearly can’t trust my own judgment.

Jesus Christ, the scopey comment would be enough for me to be blocking let alone the misogynistic comments and everything else! I must be very lucky as I’ve never been involved or met a person like it. It’s hard to get my head around that some men behave in this manner, fucking Neanderthals!

@RedflagGreenflag I’ve just gone back to read your first post OP, I can’t see that you challenged him about any of his comments?

I honestly think some older men just haven't been properly socialised and just really don't get what isn't acceptable. And they're older so those behaviours are baked into them. It doesn't mean you should tolerate it. I say older men. I think probably with the manosphere, this should of behaviour may well end up being prevalent with younger men too.

But who the hell would talk about dislike of genitals and also how his ex liked to be touched while touching you, if they knew it would result in them being dumped/sex being withdrawn from them permanently? Yes, he may well be an arsehole, but it's also complete lack of understanding.

I also don't think you should have to be the one to train him. You're not his parent.