Is it just me?

[PantherParent]

Hi, I'm new to all this so... Firstly I'd like to start by stating that I've kept this thread gender neutral, just in the interest of fairness/non biased opinion... Ok a bit of backstory, I've been with my partner for just over 10 years, we have two young children together. Now from day one the father in law has taken a very serious dislike to me, lately this dislike is looking more and more like hatred, I should state that I've kept my distance over the years, mostly because of the awkwardness of someone disliking me to that extent, although I've always been polite and respectful in return and have never done anything to offend or upset that side of the family, I should add that in all the decade plus of the relationship there's never been a solid reason given for their hatred of me,(the mother in law recently began to act very badly toward me also)nothing "concrete" as it were. Recently, in the last few months things have become really unbelievably awful with the F.I.L. towards me, I'd go into details but who the Hell would believe me! My partner has become increasingly shocked at his behaviour and things are becoming unbearable, now i should stress at this point that this is a completely one sided fight, the father in law is giving 100% of the offence and abuse, and I am giving literally no abuse or offence in return, now the other night, my partner basically said words to the effect of, "I know he's treating you appallingly and its all completely unfair, and I've no idea why he's doing this to you, BUT, he's been good to me so there's no way I'm taking your side", now I was completely shocked by this, basically it doesn't make any difference if he's 100% the aggressor and you on the receiving end because he pays for things for me. I just feel abandoned, alone, betrayed and bewildered. Personally it wouldn't matter to me what someone had done for me, if they attacked my partner for no identifiable reason or any loved one for that matter I'd run defence for them almost automatically, but not it seems in this situation, my partner said they couldn't pick a side because of all the things they'd done for them, I replied that if it was the other way around I couldn't think of a scenario in which it would be EASIER for me to pick a side. Im not asking for my partner to DO anything by the way, or take any action, they "can't stand up to him", it would just be nice to have the parent of my children put their arm around me and say "Its ok, you're not alone, its awful what's happening to you and I've always got your back", thats about it, what I actually got is, I'm definitely not one your side, he pays for my holidays. Am I wrong to feel so wounded by this? Any advice or opinions are welcome. Thanks. X

You’re absolutely not wrong.

If you’re a woman, you’re also in danger.
(not to say you aren’t as a man also but, as a woman this is the sort of situation that could get you killed and the sap loser husband would cover it up for his dads sake).

Either way, I wouldn’t stay with someone who let their dad treat me that way. I would leave this partner and I would report their father to the police for my own safety. I wouldn’t allow my children around this man alone either if it could be helped as he sounds volatile. The problem is that you will have less control over that when you go. BUT it’s still vital to go because we have to teach our kids we do not stay in abusive environments with people who are frankly (the partner equivalent of) shit friends.

Give your kids one safe, stable home where this horrible bully of a man won’t be.

Well the father in law does have a history of interfering in relationships that he doesn't approve of, he's cut off more than one family member because he doesn't approve of their spouse. X

OP, I know you wanted to keep your posts gender neutral but blokes don't tend to put kisses on the end of stuff.

Your partner doesn't have your back. You've allowed your partner to take your kids away while you live on a building site. Join the dots up.

Seriously, make a plan. You need to get out of that.

You're all right, and you've all said things that I've been thinking myself over the years at one time or another. And I'd like to thank you all, this is the least alone I've felt in so long, years... X

Nope , I’d leave , fuck the lot of them. Your partner doesn’t love you if they let you be treated like that. Just wonder if it’s a race or religious issue. If so will he be like this to you lr kids?
Why are you accepting staying in the house whilst it’s a building site ?

I dunno, those are the traps we fall into sometimes, thats just the only explanation I've got. X

I think the X is deliberate and OP is male, but it doesn’t change my response.

I’d also be surprised if a dad took his kids to live elsewhere and left the mother in a building site.

Either he’s male or they’re both women and FiL is a big old bigot, IMO.

Sorry, what, your children are not living with you? You’re right, it’s gone way beyond your FIL not liking you.

What’s stopping you moving to a property not owned by your FIL, splitting from your partner and sorting out custody.

I don't want the F.I.L to become the influence over my two children (who I would literally die for) how can I just walk away from that. Plus I dont want to be responsible for putting a smile on that creature's face, I absolutely refuse to not fight for this. X

You need to find suitable accommodation and move out with the kids or share residency if your partner won't come with you. Presumably you both have parental responsibility.

Stop being so passive.

I think that too, it may take a bit of time but I think it has to be something like that. X

For your replies to make sense you should quote or tag whoever you're replying to.

Your boyfriend/girlfriend has fucked off with your kids? Are you not parenting?

The relationship is clearly over, arrange somewhere to live, and co-parent your children.

I too think you're a bloke and the X's are deliberate to make it seem otherwise. I also find it highly unlikely that a dad has moved out with the kids and left you (the mother) behind. Be interesting to hear the FIL's side of the story.

Why are you still there? Why did you not move with your partner? I don't understand this at all. 🤔

I think you need to move out of your father in law’s home. Your partner also needs to support and back you up. That doesn’t mean they have to fall out or cut contact with their father but they need to make it clear that they will not allow the father of their children to be treated so badly by him. You and father in law don’t need to be friends but you deserve some basic respect and courtesy as the father of their grandchildren.