Partners lack of communication and respect!

[Loopylou5]

My partner has a habit of saying he is going out to do something, ie wash car and the is still not back 3 hours later cos he has decided to do other things and go places. He doesn’t bother to let me know he has decided to do this and thinks he shouldn’t have to - he says I am trying to control him by needing to know where he is every minute or every day!! All I’m asking for is a text just to let me know he is going to be longer than planned, so I’m no waiting for him or so I know what to do about food etc. I think it is just basic respect if you are in a relationship. For example he worked all weekend? So hasn’t spent much time with me, got home and straight away said he was going to clean his car, he knew I was making a roast. He didn’t come back until 9.40pm - 7 hours after he left to allegedly wash his car (which doesn’t look like it has been washed!. He text me about 5 hours in and said he was with his dad (on the pub). As he was leaving to go and “wash his car” I heard him speaking to his dad and asked him where he was - I think he knew when he left that he was going to see his dad, then when I realised his mum has gone to his sisters for the week I knew that is where he had gone. To me this is not normal behaviour but he just thinks I’m trying to control him and says he isn’t even allowed to see his dad?! I don’t have a problem with him seeing his dad I have a problem with the sneaking about and the lack of communication and respect. I threw his roast in the bin and I have not seen or spoken to him as I was already in bed when he got home and he slept on the sofa. He regularly goes AWOL for a few hours but not normally that long. We argue about it and he says he won’t do it again and it happens again. I text him that I have had enough. Is this lack of communication normal??

Where is he really going? My ex was a gambling addict and every time he was just going somewhere quickly, you can guess where he really went.

Hi Op,

You are not requesting a minute by minute outline of his day but in a “normal” relationship if your lives are intertwined (e.g., living together) then yes, you need to have an idea on when your partner is returning home etc. Another thing is that he is lying, which is a major issue and seems like he is trying to deflect when you ask him to explain himself. How long have you been together and is he worth this aggro?

Have you ever gone awol. What would happen if you said you were popping to Tesco on a Sunday and then rocked up at midnight

I suggest arranging things with friends then not bothering to tell him

If he says anything just reply he s being controlling.

I actually know a few men like this. (Worked in pubs)
Save yourself a lot of time and get a divorce.

Actually yeah, who cares where he goes? Get rid.

Not normal. He is not worth any more of your time or emotional investment.

@Loopylou5 Your partner is communicating to you, it’s non verbal but clear communication. He is choosing where he wants to spend his time and it’s not with you. You deserve so much more than this. How long have the two of you been together, are you in a position to leave?

Definitely not normal OP.

What is normal in a respectful and honest relationship is telling your partner where you are going and how long you'll likely be. And sticking to that.

What he's doing is exerting his 'power' to leave you in the dark about what/where he is, then calling you 'controlling' when you're rightly angry with him for doing it !

If he were to leave to wash the car, then decide to visit his Dad, he needed to contact you to let you know, as an absolute bare minimum.
The fact that he knew you were cooking a roast for you both when he left means he shouldn't have gone anywhere except to wash the car and return immediately, as he KNEW you were expecting him to be at home to eat the bloody roast ffs! So refusing to contact you was actually a power play from him. Deliberate and callous behaviour.

The fact that he thinks it's OK to leave for hours on end without contacting you at all is, at best, rude and dismissive i.e He thinks it doesn't matter what he's doing and that it's fine you have zero clue when, or even if, he'll return ffs !

It's up to you whether you think he can change his toxic, selfish behavior.

I doubt he'd be interested in even trying, as he'd have to admit he either does it on purpose, and is a toxic shit, or he 'doesn't think' and he's a selfish, ignorant shit...but my guess? He'd prefer to simply call YOU 'controlling' instead.

Not normal. He's not acting like he's in a partnership.

Also his reaction is ridiculous and makes him sound like an arse.

Its a very dysfunctional relationship and he has zero respect for you. You cannot continue to live like this.
How long have you been together?
Do you work and does he contribute financially and offer support?
Do you have children together?
Do you communicate on any level?
Based on what you have said I would tell him that given his constant disappearances and accusations of control he has a choice - walk through the front door and don't bother coming back. He can then make his own choices and have his freedom.

If you do stay….moving forward, YOU set the times
eg, roast will be on the table at 4
ill be leaving at 10
why are you hanging about for him?

You’re an appliance. You are his bangmaid. He gives you no more thought than he would his hammer.

You are worth more than this.

Send him packing. He's checked out...

DH could be like this when we first got together but at a much less bad level. And it drove me absolutely bonkers. And now I'm having this issue with teenage DS.

it's about respect, not control.

In your case, the aded issue is that it seems to happen so often and for so long. So for us, it would be something like DH going off to gym and then just not reappearing for 4 hours. Irritating, but not, in the grand scheme of things, a huge deal. And it was clearly a result of him being quite time blind which I've come to recognise. But if it was happening a lot, it goes beyond a bit of tim eblindness and crosses over into selfishness becuase it's no tjust about not telling you where he is or when he's comign back - it's ALSO about not prioritising spending time with you or respecting things you do for you as a couple such as making a nice meal.