Can our marriage be saved?

[Farmwifefarmlife]

I’m looking for some outside views if anyone has been in a similar situation & they have managed to turn things around.

short story, me & DH both work SE running our own businesses, very full on long hours , full one ect I run mine from home , DH out “on site”

3 DC 2 nursery age 1 primary & a teen SC
and a large farmhouse to keep on top off!

since youngest was born we’ve been sleeping apart & we’ve drifted into house mates rather than husband & wife, DH isn’t overly emotional and struggles when I’m upset I had a rough 3rd pregnancy I felt very unloved & unsupported. I think this made me very emotionally detached from him as I started not to rely on him emotionally. DH needs a physical connection & I need an emotional one. We don’t fight & argue & we get on very well it’s not a hostile environment it’s just complacent.

singe we’ve been together obviously lots has changed but I don’t feel DH has really kept up with the change, he doesn't see the mess & just lets the house fall apart, not putting dirty washing in the laundry basket, not closing draws after being in them ect . I feel completely worn out by it all. Last week I had a real go top to bottom in the house tip run the lot & I spoke to DH and said i need his help to keep the house straight. The following day clothes on the floor draws open ect. I just feel like the unpaid maid. We don’t spend much time together with out DC and family days out feel like he’s not present. There is no effort put into “us” anymore.

I really want our marriage to work but I don’t know how? DH is quite defensive as in he never views his wrongdoing whereas I’ll admit if I’ve been short with him or things like that.

would marriage counselling help?
anyone else been in a similar position?

I’d guess you’ve a number of different problems there- you’ve drifted into housemates who don’t even sleep in the same room, he doesn’t do enough around the house- I suppose it depends if you both want to make it work- you do, does he? Can you have a date night/ go on a date night? Hug/ kiss more? Can you talk about the mess etc without it turning into a blame game? Are you fussy? (My friend gives out about her dh but I’ve lived with her and she wants everything perfect) Hope it works out op x

Hi, thanks for responding. He says he does but he doesn’t action these things I’ve communicated what I need and I’ve tried I really have. We kiss goodbye in the morning & good night in the evening. I’m definitely not a neat freak I’d like like it to be reasonably tidy & clean. Unfortunately it has turned into a blame game DH doesn’t do well with criticism and so always turns it back around. Example was he used to get dinner sometimes so I didn’t have to cook, I said it’s been along time since he’s done this and he said it’s because I now meal plan & he’s too scared to offer as it’ll mess up the weeks plan. I’ve always meal planned but it’s not set in stone and he knows this. There’s just no thought to our relationship anymore.

I think long haul marriages all go through tough times like this where either one of you doesn’t feel seen or heard and you fall into becoming bickering housemates. Particularly when the children are young.

I’ve said this before on here, but I asked DH’s grandma on the eve of our wedding what the secret to a long, happy marriage was as she was married over 50 years. She said the secret to a long marriage was to accept it won’t always be happy.

I’ve remembered that over the years when it’s been difficult. And she was right, with a bit of effort we’ve always got back on track. Communication and not letting things fester is key.

I totally agree and we are definitely in the thick of it right now. I definitely don’t want to give up on things DH is the one that is unhappy & brings it up as he wants more physical intimacy. I think I do hold resentment for him being emotionally unavailable and I guess I don’t know how to let go of that and move forward.

Perhaps relationship counselling would help. The counsellor ought to be able to create that space where you talk and listen to each other without it becoming tit for tat.