Have you stayed together but disentangled your finances and hardened your heart? If so tell me how you did it please!

[hurtandconflicted]

I am in a situation where I would like to stay living in the same house as my husband and adult DD but not pool our money as we do currently and would also like to detach emotionally but still be amicable with each other.

DD has autism and not doing well so want to avoid any major changes but cannot continue to live like I am currently. Recently paid off mortgage but never any money left over. I would prefer to have my own money and be responsible for that only. I am fed up of managing finances where he is spending over a £1000 on alcohol and cigarettes and taking no consideration of retirement planning or his health, he is not a bad man but I am so sick and tired of being the responsible one.

Can you communicate this too him? Can you put enough in a “joint” account for bills ? And keep “fun” money separate?

Have you told him you’d like to live together but separately?

does he work? Does he pay any bills at all?

He does work, we both do. I think I have given up trying to have a ‘marriage’. I am 59 soon and have a number of heath issues that I manage really well but that in old age are likely to catch up with me. Also because of my how my daughter needs me I feel I have to live forever! He is a year younger but is overweight, smokes at least 30 cigarettes a day and over 50 units of alcohol a week. Yesterday after he’d already drunk one bottle or wine he drove to the sho to buy another.
It’s not just the money it’s the constant fear of what ifs. I just feel that I carry so much and I need to stop doing it all, I worry about how we will manage if either of us gets ill but also how can we retire when he’s spending all that money killing himself. I feel so down today, he says the right things but nothing changes. If I could disentangle the money it would be easier

Why would you want to stay with a man who would drink drive?

I wouldn’t do this even for your daughter.

You are married so his poor financial decisions are going to impact you in some way.

Did you not report him for drink driving?

I think you should divorce.

Why is it you want him to stay? He sounds horrific.

I’m not sure why I stay, fear I guess is keeping me stuck. My cancer could return or. I may loose my sight which is already not good.

It doesn’t sound like the best option m staying. I don’t see why living in this environment would be more stable for your adult daughter than just living with you. It’s not like she’s a child who would be court ordered to live with her father half of the time.

Worrying about finances and retirement is a valid concern but if you were out of this relationship, at least you would be able to take control.

I got a separate bank account from my now ex-husband because he repeatedly lost his bank card and it was a lot of hassle to cancel, then order two new ones. I always keep my finances separate now.

Your husband is alcohol dependent.
Will he go to AA or do SMART online?

A huge amount of alcoholism is trauma based.
Has his drinking racked up during your cancer treatment?

I drank to blot out a huge childhood memory and four years ago I stopped. It can be done

I would definitely have a bills account and then a personal account. We tried joint when first married and stopped that twenty plus years ago.

Feel the fear and do it anyway. Stop with the what ifs that may not equally happen. Set yourselves free
from him. You are teaching your dd very damaging lessons about relationships in staying because life at home is doing her no good either.

Seek legal advice re divorce. Knowledge here is also power