How to support friend?

[Ducksinwater]

I would like some advice on how I can best support one of my friends. I will refer to her as Amy for the purposes of this thread.

Amy has young children and a useless DP. There is a lot of resentment between the two of them and we don’t hear any positives about their relationship. I am mindful that we are being told one side of the story and when we are together, it’s her opportunity to vent to a group of women she feels comfortable with. I never offer her advice that puts her in a difficult situation, I don’t tell her to LTB because I know she won’t.

Amy makes comments to us that are clearly her point of view and based on her experiences but we don’t share those views and haven’t had those experiences so it is intense/awkward at times.

To give an example, Amy will say things like, I don’t know why anyone bothers to get married. You only think you have a good one because you haven’t got children (or insert other excuse here).

Amy’s comments do come across abrasive/ rude/ judgemental and we all try to brush it off in a bid to avoid her feeling worse about her situation but it’s difficult to avoid the subject when she repeatedly mentions her situation and then goes on to make these comments. The mums in the group get it worse than I do!

How can I/ we help her? I’m worried she is going to lose friends and become even more isolated.

Gosh I don't know how to help her but I kill negativity with over positivity

Stop brushing it off? Say ‘Amy, we appreciate you’re miserable, but there’s only so much moaning we can take. I’m setting a timer. After ten minutes, someone else gets airtime.’

I think there's a point at which you stop pussy footing around.

If she says something like that again, reply with, "Amy, I think yo ujust feel this jaded because you don't have a good one."

or, if you are really friends, have a real talk. Tell her you're concerned. Say that you are worried about her. That her relationship doesn't seem good and she's obviously struggling. Ask if you can help.

This has been my tactic up until now and it’s not working. There’s always a come back.

It is as clear as day that’s the situation so I don’t think someone pointing it out is helpful/ going to change things. Maybe I’m wrong! There’s always a come back and I don’t want it to escalate into an argument unnecessarily.

Surely honesty is best here? It might make her take stock.

What would it achieve? I think we’ve all tried to brush it off, kill with kindness, change the subject. If I feel the comment is directed at DH I will correct it. There will be generalised sweeping comments like “men seem to think we are all just around to cook and clean for them” and I’ll say “oh I’m lucky, DH does the cooking and cleaning in our house”. No, I know I’m not lucky, he’s just doing an equal partner but I try not to head down that road or it becomes even more bloody awkward!

Why? Are you afraid of this ‘friend ’?

I’m not afraid of her but she’s clearly not in a good place.

i am wondering if she is parroting her partners views or is otherwise a mouthpiece for same. Am certain Amy cops it from her partner when she arrives home: she likely gets the third degree.

How do you know she will not leave?. Has she stated as much?. Has her view point become more extreme over time?. I’d be asking her outright what happened to her to get her to this point where she could further alienate her own friends/support. That is likely what her partner wsnts.

You NOT acknowledging it or addressing it basically says to her that you don't care/don't agree/don't want to get involved, even though she's supposedly your friend. To me it sounds like she's crying out for help and you listening to her talk and then attempting to change the subject or kill her with kindness or be super positive is not helping.

But I'm not English. And I'm constantly surprised by how English people really hate to actually say what they are thinking. Ever.

He gives her a really hard time so I think you are right here. She hasn’t explicitly said she won’t leave him but they have young children and she’s put all her eggs in his basket. She would have nowhere to live, she wouldn’t trust him with them. The list goes on!

We have all offered solutions to her actual issues but she won’t listen. What do you suggest I do/ say?

It’s clear her mind is stuck in a groove and nothing will move the dial.
It took a very good friend to say to me in the thick of something…
Petula I know you are going through it but sometimes when you are going on I start thinking about what to do for tea.
This was my oldest friend and I was raging. But it absolutely shook me and made me think - other people have their own lives and aren’t just there to absorb crap from someone else.
Of course, friends should be able to share and get advice/feedback but if this friend will not leave this man, there’s nothing you can do.
I would speak to her personally one-to-one and tell her while you are there for her, and the group is, it’s difficult to be around when it starts to feel like negative comments about their own situations. That you all want the best for her, and love her, but you also all have your own issues and sometimes when you meet up you want to keep things light for your own sanity.
If she takes offence - which she may do - let her. And let her sit in it as well, as she needs to.
Lots of people walk away from a friend in this state and ghost them, and I get it.
It is brave to be honest. If she could eventually see your group meetings as joyful respite from home rather than another chance to complain about it, it may help her. It did me. It got the ball rolling on me changing my life and I’m forever grateful to my friend.

Thank you for this perspective. This has given me food for thought and I’ll certainly try this and see how we get on.

Some of the group have started suggesting we plan get togethers without Amy and whilst I don’t blame them, I’d like to give her the opportunity to reflect and make changes. A one to one chat is in order.

You've got nothing to lose really by having the chat if others are already talking about excluding her.

(Don't expect them to back you up though if you mention them tho.)