I’ve been with my partner for nine years. I love him very much. We have lived together for the last six years in a house I own. I pay the majority of the costs but he contributes a fair amount for rent, so the property remains in my name. We split all duties 50:50. We have no children and don’t intend to have any.
We are both in our early 40s, living in London. Our jobs are stressful but relatively well-paid. We have our ups and downs like any couple, but have been happy.
With being together so long, we get comments about whether we will get married and settle down. I love him very much but have always had nagging doubts.
My partner and I both had difficult upbringings. My partner was an only child. His father was a domineering bully in the childhood home. His mum - who passed away years ago - lived in her husband’s shadow. My partner’s father had difficult mood swings and was a very very negative person. We interact with him now very little and every interaction is a list of negative things - disappointments, perceived grievances, sadnesses, feelings of overwhelm.
My partner has had therapy and seems to have a strong sense of compartmentalising his father.
My problem is that increasingly I see him turning into his dad. Our daily lives go through long phases where he is relentlessly downbeat and negative. Every day he tells me that the underground is hot, that the aircon at work isn’t good enough, that trains aren’t running punctually enough. Every meal out is underwhelming in some way. Every product is not as good as it used to be. He has a frown on his face what seems like constantly. All discussion of the news turns to the negative. When we are planning holidays; it feels totally joyless, like some administrative exercise not a joyful thing to anticipate. I just can’t handle it anymore.
I try to make a joke of it, or turn the conversation to something positive. I try to be sensitive and supportive. The truth is, we don’t have bad lives. We don’t really worry about money. With no kids, we can have good lie-ins. We go to shows and films that he has chosen, but he never seems excited or up-beat about them either before or during or after. It’s like he has no positive energy left to give me.
Once I very gently said that his negative attitude was going to end up with him becoming like his dad. I tried to be delicate, but this went down very badly. The problem is, I can’t unsee it.
It’s starting to really affect me. I am finding him less sexually attractive because for me, intimacy needs to be about lightness and joy and when I look at him I feel a kind of weary heaviness.
I know it’s easy to say LTB but I love this man and see myself spending the rest of my life with him. He is intelligent, attractive, kind, and extremely good as a person. He earns well, is generous, and we have had brilliant experiences together. But I need to find a way of getting him to change his attitude to being less glass-half-full.
I’m not expecting him to be constantly sunny or upbeat but I need more energy and positivity from my life partner. How can I get this? Thanks for reading.