I am desperately looking for some advice.
My DH (or perhaps not-so-dear husband - let's call him my estranged husband, EH, both early 40s) and I separated after several years of increasingly difficult arguments. The situation is complicated, and I don't want to reveal too many identifying details, but we are now living in separate homes and have decided to end the relationship.
A few months ago, I reconnected with a man I dated at university. Over the past few months we've spent a lot of time together, and I've fallen completely head over heels for him.
I cared about him deeply back then, but he was a few years younger than me and very shy and anxious. I ended the relationship, which I know hurt him. He then went off to university and lived his life. We met again about seven years later, but by then he had a girlfriend, whom he later became engaged to.
This past year has been one of the hardest of my life. I've experienced a close bereavement, failed IVF treatment with my husband, and a number of other significant challenges.
When I reconnected with my university boyfriend, I hadn't seen him since 2014, although we'd remained connected on social media. He rarely posts, but we arranged to meet for a drink and the attraction was immediate. Since then we've spent a great deal of time together. I live far away, and he has visited me, as well as spending time with me in the city where we first met.
The complication is that he has panic disorder and severe anxiety. He was diagnosed around seven years ago while living in his home country (he was born overseas though grew up in the UK before spending several years over there as an adult when he was very unwell). From what he's told me, he was having panic attacks every day at one point and lost several years of his life to the illness. Although he's much better than he was, he is still taking venlafaxine. At its highest, his dose was 300 mg a day. When we met, I believe he was taking around 180 mg.
He felt the medication was affecting his ability to think clearly and causing sexual side effects, so, with his doctor's support, he reduced the dose quite quickly. He already reduced it to 180mg when we met. However, he was over excited and dropped it further over weeks which I thought and shared was a bad idea. He eventually reached 75 mg, which seems like a significant reduction. During the time we've been together, he's experienced several panic attacks, the first he'd had in years, as well as a number of severe episodes of anxiety. They also seem to have become more frequent and more intense. I am many hours away and cannot support him.
When we first reconnected, he had a good job and was thinking about his next career move. I was impressed at the life he had built for himself after such a difficult period. He left that role intending to take some time out and do temporary work over the summer. We had hoped he would spend at least part of the summer with me, but he miscalculated how much money he would receive after leaving his job and has found himself in a much more difficult financial position than expected.
Overall, I think he is feeling very low. Between the return of his anxiety, being unemployed, living with his parents, and his financial worries, I think he feels anxious, stuck and, in his own words, somewhat emasculated.
He also moves between hyperactivity and being very down. It's draining, to be honest. I am trying to understand and be patient.
There is another layer of complexity because of his cultural background. He was born in a conservative Muslim country, and his parents, whom he still lives with, are very traditional. He did introduce me to them as his friend on one occasion which is significant. The only other woman he introduced to them was the woman he was engaged to and she was from the same background.
While he had planned to move out when he was working, that now seems to have been delayed because of both his financial situation and his worsening anxiety. Likewise, any plans for him to move to be with me or find work here feel much further away than they did a few months ago.
I suppose what I'm really looking for is advice from anyone who has dated or married someone with severe anxiety or panic disorder. I have depression and anxiety myself, and there have been periods when they've been quite severe, but nothing on the scale of what he seems to be experiencing.
I'm also finding myself increasingly frustrated because it felt as though, after nearly 20 years, we'd been given a second chance. We both say we've never felt this way about anyone else. The connection between us is unlike anything I've ever experienced.
At the same time, I desperately want to have a child and build a family. I'm also the CEO of a company, so my career is demanding and there are already significant pressures on my time and energy.
Separately, I'm worried that his family would not accept us. I am a white woman, non-Muslim and almost four years older. He is not conservative himself, though he is very close to his parents.
I don't know whether I'm being unrealistic in hoping that he will recover enough for us to build a future together, or whether I need to accept that love alone may not be enough.
We've had a series of arguments recently that have damaged us both. I need someone present and supporting me after the year I have had, and he needs time and calm to heal, I think. These needs seem incompatible. After years of feeling lonely emotionally, I have met someone I want to build a life with, and am conscious that I am in my 40s and my fertility is declining. I am feeling anxious about my age, I think. We have ended things, which has left me feeling hurt, because we are not in a position to give each other what we need. I'm regretting that decision now. My nervousness involves pouring years into someone and being patient, for his parents to then say no, or he decide he wants biological children (he already said he would be happy to adopt and would manage his parents).
I'd really appreciate hearing from anyone who has been in a similar situation, particularly if you've loved someone with a serious anxiety or panic disorder. How did you navigate it, and what did you learn?