Would therapy help me come to terms with this relationship?

[ValerieValeraaaa]

On a whim I contacted our local radio station to offer some money for a charity Christmas appeal. You bid for stuff and I won, a Christmas kiss from one of the DJs. I went to the offices and the guy invited me for a drink at the nearest pub, then to his friend's party, but there was nobody else there. He tried it on and actually said "I want to make love to you" so I allowed him to as I felt pressured.

He encouraged me to get a bedsit so he could meet me there. He used to just show up out of the blue. He showed me pictures of Ann Summers outfits he wanted me to buy and wanted me to say particular things but I did neither. I thought I was in love with him at the time and was upset about him not doing anything else with me.

He turned out to be married. It's never gone away and I've simultaneously thought I'm not good enough because he messed me about and been ashamed of myself for seeing him.

Do you think therapy will help because I don't think I can say this face to face with another person. I feel so guilty. I was a student age 18 and he was 31.

How long ago was this?

20 years ago.

I would think therapy would be very helpful yes.

And what is your life like now? Partner? Children? Mental health?

No partner or children. I did get married but he was an abuser, that's now over. Good job, own house and friends. I'm not sure I can get the words out to a person about this. I've never told anyone.

What is relationship like with your parents?

yes, therapy

My parents are dead.

To me it sounds like you were groomed. The age difference, this persons celebrity type position and the eventual set up.

I think therapy would help you work through this because it’s clearly still bothering you.
However, please be rest assured that you were groomed by this horrible man.
And whilst you weren’t technically raped you felt you needed to have sex with him to stay safe which is coercion at its worst.
What an awful, awful man.
I used to work with young women and I can remember one had a thumping crush on a footballer. She met him randomly at a club he took her back to a hotel room and she actually thought this meant he would now be her boyfriend.
She was a virgin. After sex, he literally threw her into the corridor naked and her clothes and bag out after her. A couple of other players walked past and saw her and were laughing.
She told me about it a few weeks later. She kept in touch with me on and off and I know it still upset her. It was the other young men seeing her naked and laughing. As for the player I see him on TV now and again, pundit and warm family man, and he still turns my stomach.
These men, no matter what age, exploit the fact that they are heroes to some and they spot a vulnerability. It is no surprise the man here is a DJ - the local club ones I knew were absolutely rancid. Apologies to the decent ones!
Please go and seek some help. You are a bright, capable and still young woman with so much life ahead of you. You don’t have to be defined by this.

What were they like when you were 18
op you do need therapy. You sound very unhappy

Yes, but therapy would be less about 'coming to terms with this relationship' than in acknowledging that you were groomed by a much older predator, and unpicking exactly why it has stayed with you so long, and crucially, why you've kept it as such a shameful secret. It's no reflection on you, OP. You were just unlucky enough to cross paths with a predator when you were inexperienced and naive.

My parents were quite distant.

I have a feeling this horrible incident at 18 is just the tip of the iceberg as why you would benefit from therapy.

go for it

He was a vile little man who took advantage of you. It's so sad that he's still on your mind all these years later. I'm sorry the man you married was no good either.

If you can't say it face to face to the therapist then write it down and ask them to read it. Make sure you find a good therapist and get to know and trust them first though.

You have done nothing wrong OP so you have no reason to feel shame or guilt. He is the one who should be feeling that way but he probably doesn't because no doubt he's still an asshole.