Confused - SA??

[BelMel]

I’m feeling really weird and confused about something that happened yesterday. My husband wanted oral sex and I obliged but told him he couldn’t cum in my mouth (which I never let him do) but when I went to pull away he forced my head down and held it down. I was gagging to the point that I had tears streaming down my face. He laughed it off afterwards and said better to ask for forgiveness.. I told him this morning that it wasn’t ok and it didn’t make me feel good. He apologised and recognises that it was wrong and a huge violation of trust. I don’t think it’s something that should be swept under the rug as it was shocking to me at the time. He’s never done anything like this before but I don’t really know how to feel or what to expect from him in terms of making things ok. I posted this on another thread but am now moreso looking for advice. Thanks

He assaulted you, he did something you explicitly told him not to do then laughed about it. Only you know if this is marriage ending, it would be for me as I could never trust him again. I'm not sure how he would even begin to make things ok after that.

Yes, it's SA. You said no and he made you do it anyway.

I don't think I'd trust him anymore.

What do you want to do now?

This would be the end of the relationship for me.

That would be the end of oral sex, at the least, so that could never happen again.

That’s awful and is assault, he never should have done that to you. X

Horrible man.

Absolutely enough to end the marriage over but if you choose to stay then I would certainly never give him head again. Ever.

Also I should have said, I’m so sorry he did this to you

Yes it was sexual assault. He held you down when you tried to pull away and did something sexual to you that you had explicitly said you didn't consent to.

It is very clear, very cut and dry sexual assault.

You could talk to the police about it. You don't have to press charges but having the police talk to him and explain how serious it is.

You absolutely could leave him, when people ask why and you say "he sexually assaulted me then laughed about it." Would you judge a friend or family member for that?

Or you could set the boundary that you will never give him oral ever and if he ever forces you again you will divorce him and report him to the police. You make it very clear that you moving on is a huge favour to him that he is not entitled to.

That's extremely serious sexual assault and I would be leaving via the police station to report him. He isn't even pretending that he didn't hear you gagging/didn't see that you were crying/forgot that you'd explicitly refused consent for that/thought it was OK/got carried away. He's admitted to you that he KNEW in the moment that what he was doing was very wrong, and he just... didn't care. And doesn't care now!

I'd never, ever be able to have any kind of sex with him ever again and I'd want to protect other women from him. You can ring Rape Crisis for support, they can advise you and won't pressure you to do anything. Have you told anyone in real life, is there someone you can confide in?

Yes, that's sexual assault.

If you stay and just let this slide, you'll be telling him that you'll allow him to treat you this way without fuss, and so he'll do it again. And again. And then he'll escalate.

At the very least, he needs to leave the house and stay elsewhere for a week or two, while you tell him you're deciding whether or not to continue the relationship. If you do insist on staying with this prince among men, he needs to know you won't let him do this again. And tell him you don't trust him enough to give him oral sex for the foreseeable future – and mean it.

This OP. Reporting to the police even if you don’t go through with a charge can be really effective for making men understand the gravity of what they’ve done. He should know that what he’s done is criminal and chargeable so he doesn’t do this to future women.

Agree with previous posters. This is serious sexual assault carried out with full knowledge that he was violating your consent. Even if its not marriage-ending for you, I would report to police, even if I didn't press charges, to minimise the likelihood of him doing it (or similar) again (to you or anyone else in future). I personally wouldn't be having any type of sex with anyone who disregarded my consent.

The problem with this is if she set that boundary, ie that he’s already pushed her boundaries - and beyond, to the point that it was SĄ and he was fully aware that she didn’t consent and didn’t care, laughed even when he saw her upset - there’s absolutely no way now that she can ever trust that he won’t do this, or more, again. I don’t know what she should do, I know what I’d do, but she’s going to need some time even just to fully process this.
@BelMelthis is going to take some time for this to process fully, but at the least, right now, you need to feel safe. I don’t know what that looks like for you - can you tell him to leave? And would he? Tbh, if he refused to leave, to allow you space, then I think that would be it. It would show that he doesn’t care/has no regret/remorse/understand why and what he did was wrong. Who is the one person that your mind went straight to after this, or this morning? That person. The one that you immediately thought of, that’s the person that you need to see, or to stay with if he refuses to leave. You can tell them all, some, or nothing, until you are ready to. But, please, tell him to leave, or you leave. And go to the person who will make you feel safer or call them to come to you.
You don’t have to make any big decisions right now if you really don’t think you can, and that’s ok, give yourself some space and time for now.