Dating etiquette ?

[lookingforluv]

So this one’s just more of a what would you sort of think?

I’ve just been on a date with a guy and it was quite fun, flirty and relaxed. We both said we’d like to see each other again and then parted ways. Overall, the date was fine.

The only sticking point I have, which has probably bugged me a little bit more than I thought it would, is that when the bill came for our drinks the waiter put it down next to him and he wouldn’t touch it. I ended up picking it up and looking at it, and then as the waiter came round, I just offered to pay for my own drinks.
Like I said for some reason it’s niggled in my mind a little bit more than I thought it would.
To the point where it’s turned me off from him.

I don’t go on many dates at all, so this is still all new to me. I’m not saying men should pay for everything, but it’s the fact that he wouldn’t even touch the bill and it was much closer to him.

Just wondering if anyone has any thoughts on this. I may very well be exaggerating and that’s all fine but just wanted to ask.

I don’t think men should pay, but my experience of a good first date is a guy will usually insist on getting it the moment it lands on the table.

I would have assumed we were splitting it.

Were either of you standing up to leave? Was there a rush to pay it ?

Nah, bin him off. On a first date, he should be making an impression, but he failed.
What happened after you paid for your own drinks? Was he surprised at that and the fact that you only paid for your own?
Any post-date messages from him?

I wouldn’t be happy with this unless he perhaps thought you were going to order more drinks or were still staying to chat a bit longer

Unless it was your round he does sound a bit passive. He only needed to acknowledge the bill and say something:

Shall I get these?
Is it your round or mine?

I wouldn't bin him off just on this one instance, but it would be a watch out for future.

One thing I've come to realise from my colleagues is the minefield this can be for men. When we were chatting about this in work a couple of the team were very offended when the bloke had offered to pick up the tap on the first date.
It maybe he did nothing rather than 'getting it wrong'

If you can't talk to each other about the bill then it's going nowhere is it?

!, Let's meet for drinks and let's go dutch
2, lets meet for drinks my treat
3, lets meet for drinks and can we sort the bill out 50/50
4, lets meet for drinks, okay but I insist on paying my share.
5, bill arrives, he insists on paying you graciously accept and insist on paying next time.

Bill arrives - no confusion.

You're overthinking

It is a bit of a minefield and everyone has different preferences.

Mine is that whoever plans the date pays for the date. Then it actually feels romantic rather than transactional and you can each plan things that fit within your budget. It also allows you to get a feel for how generous the other person is.

I would be put off by his actions but I would agree to a second date if everything else was ok and see what happens there

Was he then happy to pay for his half afterwards or was there more of an issue? If he was angling for you to pay for everything then I wouldn't be happy.

Honestly I prefer dates to be split or similar so that you don't feel like you owe anything. Particularly key if you don't want to see the person again, you want to leave on an equal footing.

But I know lots of threads on here are where women demand that men always pay for everything. I have spoken to some men about this and they are just used by woman for a free dinner at an expensive restaurant.

The date was definitely over. And the bill was sitting next to him for a few minutes, but we’d already talked about going and he had to get home. So that’s why I just picked it up.

That's a sackable offence for me. And my position about who pays for dates is that while we still have a pay gap and women's salaries are lower, I expect men to pay the bill.

He could have picked it up and said ‘it’s X each’, which if it was just drinks I’d be a bit 🤨 at because whats a couple drinks going to cost? Did you say that or wait until the waiter came? Had he got his wallet out as soon as you picked up the bill or just sat there waiting? If it was dinner I’d definitely say I’d split it. But to let it just sit there seems to indicate he was either testing you or something, which is off putting itself.

Come on it's just drinks and even a meal I would pay for both. The guy pays completely, end of. Where is the romance?

I wouldn't like the not knowing what he was thinking about with the bill being there, so I would have communicated immediately with my intentions. I loved dating and went out loads before meeting my DH. If it was a first date I always went 50/50, even if they offered to pay, I insisted. If it was for drinks and the guy bought the first round, even if I knew immediately that there wouildn't be a seond date, I stayed and ordered the next round. For me this was about independence and old fashioned notions of the guy paying in order to get soemthing in return. After that, once we're in the realm of testing the relationship to see if it has a future, then turn taking to pay for the evening was fine with me.

But the gender pay gap is at a societal level, not individual.

Plenty of women earn more than plenty of men.

He could have picked it up and said ‘it’s X each’, which if it was just drinks I’d be a bit 🤨 at because whats a couple drinks going to cost?

Equally, the OP could have picked it up, because the drinks would presumably cost the same amount of money if she paid for them.

I’d be put off if he wanted me to pay, or if he was overly fussy about the bill. I went on a date once where we split the change and there was 20p left over, so he asked me for 10p so it was exactly equal! 😂

In this case it wouldn’t bother me. In fact I prefer things to be 50:50 for early dates so there’s no awkwardness and no feeling of owing anyone anything.

If the issue is because he is a “he” , then that’s clearly no reason in this day and age ( do you earn more than him ? )

whom invited who ? , if he invited you, then I would expect him to pay really- but equally he could be seeing this a test of you so see your expectation would be for the man to automatically pick up the bill 🤷🏻

this is a bit of a ridiculous statement

you would expect a man who earns less than a woman to pay simply because of his gender 🤷🏻